“Why do I miss him?” is something that I’ve continued to ask myself WAY after relationships have ended and breakups ensued. I’d even find myself wondering “why do I miss him?!” when I’d be on a date – sitting across from a very nice guy in a beautiful restaurant. My mind was thousands of miles away.

Even worse… I’d wonder “why do I miss him?” when I was IN A RELATIONSHIP with someone new.

Someone who had no idea how unfinished my emotional business truly was.

Every song that came on, everything that happened or didn’t happen… every single moment seemed to highlight the absence of what was.

My existence became that of always reverting back to the loss of my soulmate, The One. My only shot at Happily Ever After had come and gone.

What do you do when you can’t break up with your memory?

Will the heartbreak and obsession ever end?

How do you deal with moving on while your heart is still with someone who never gave you closure?

If you’re still wondering “why do I miss him?” here’s why + the one thing you need to know.

Why do I miss him? If it’s an emotionally unavailable, empathetically bankrupt (and possibly narcissistic or worse), ex that consistently gaslight, gave you mixed signals, and lied to you, here’s why…

“Why do I miss him?” You miss him because you’re convinced that if you turn around for a hot minute, he’s going to “change back” to the man he was in the beginning and be with a new girl who’s everything you’re not.

Emotional unavailability is at the root of all toxic relationships and emotionally unavailable partners are the absolute hardest to get over. Why? In the beginning, they show you through their actions that they are everything you never thought existed and more. As the relationship progresses, they realize that they can’t get their needs met with the same lack of responsibility, accountability, and empathy. So, the hot/cold game begins.

They recoil without explanation. And because they only align themselves with partners whose self-esteem is low enough to give them the time of day/ignore all of their red flags, they bank on the knowingness that you’ll take their recoiling personally. They know that you’ll freak out and think that you’re “losing them” (you never had them to begin with, they’re unavailable). They know that you’ll work even harder and subsequently, be even more grateful for any little crumb they decide to throw your way.

Toxic relationships are the ultimate mind f*ck because no matter how poorly you were treated during the relationship, you always have this “passionate-amazing-unlike-anything-EVER-before,” honeymoon period in the beginning that your heart/head/libido can never let go of. If your self-esteem is low, that honeymoon period will always be the most potent amnesia to what you need to REMEMBER – the fact that your ex was, is, and will always be consistently inconsistent. You convince yourself that instead of him unfolding and revealing who he truly is, he somehow “changed,” from a completely connected, empathetic, honest, and accountable man to a disconnected jerk ALL BECAUSE you weren’t enough. NEWSFLASH: You and your perceived lack of value do not have the power to change people out of being who they are at the core. If they did, you would not be reading this. You’d be on the cover of Forbes; all the top medical universities would be studying you. Your ex was this way before you, with you, and will CONTINUE to be this way after you.

“Why do I miss him?” You miss the you that you were with him.

All the happiness that you felt when you were with him? His crumbs didn’t create that, YOU did. You can get back to happiness again and you WILL. This leads me to the last point…

“Why do I miss him?” Because you’re still so invested, you can’t see that it’s not him you’re having trouble getting over as much as it is your projections.

You need to break up with your projections. It doesn’t take much to start thinking of and missing your ex – EVERYTHING reminds you of him. Engage in this enough time until it’s habitual, and it will send a signal to your brain that your ex is not only someone worth missing, it will also take over your sense of reality.

This process pedestals him as you sink lower and lower into the quicksand of avoidance and denial. Think about it – the reason that you continued to stay in the relationship with him is because you chose to tolerate his consistent inconsistency (we get what we tolerate), and give life to an idea; a projection of who your heart NEEDED him to be. You’re relationship then became more about expending energy in the name of making excuses, self-blame and taking things personally, instead of seeing things for what they are. The more you argue with what is, the more you cockblock your innate ability to accept and take ACTION. “Why do I miss him?” You miss the man that your projections constructed; the idea of who you wanted him to be. You’re refusing to mourn the death of the person that you thought existed. Why? Because death and acceptance are PAINFUL and as humans, we will sacrifice our own intelligence to avoid pain. It’s hard and it will ultimately require having to do two things that your lack of self-love has convinced you is impossible: accepting and taking action. Acceptance is scary because when you accept a person/relationship/situation for what/who they are, you have no choice but to focus on what it is about you that tolerated the conditions and treatment for as long as you did. If you don’t do this, you’ll continue to emotionally hoard and because emotionally constipation will always be the result of hoarding, you’ll search for a laxative in the form of yet another toxic person and amateur hour relationship. It’s time to address the constipation and FLUSH. If your ex was the type of person that your projections have convinced you he is, he would have found a way to exit your relationship without the abundance of bs and the lack of decency.

Instead of convincing yourself that you were just this launching pad, this northern star for him that has pointed him in the direction of emotional, sexual, and relational prosperity, I want you to entertain this…

Maybe you were meant to be his karma and he was meant to be your northern star.

Written by: Natasha Adamo