I am very familiar with feeling empty inside and hopeless.
I always used to always ask myself, “why do I feel empty inside?”
A few days ago, when visiting Sydney, I went to Watsons Bay to visit a famous lookout. It is a huge cliff that faces out to the Tasman sea. It stands tall, covered in grasses and smooth rock ledges, and plummets below to craggy rocks that sometimes are overwhelmed with the crashing waves and foaming waters that push full force in that huge cliff. This cliff is known as The Gap.
It is a truly beautiful sight, and with views that take you to the horizon on a clear day. It is also hauntingly sad in that it is an infamous suicide spot that has claimed many lives. People who, in their darkest moment, have chosen to jump that massive cliff and plummet into what lies below. The last thing they will ever do.
I remember standing there and seeing some of the mementos left by loved ones for those who lost their lives there. Little engraved padlocks with messages and some photos and flowers. It is a humbling experience to be where others have been at their absolute lowest and to know this was their chosen last place to make a decision. That their future was deemed too hard and too painful to face, and so, this became their final resting place when they made that final choice.
But this post is not about suicide. It is about self-love. You see, suicide doesn’t kill people…
Sadness does.
Hopelessness does.
Loneliness does.
Being unappreciated does.
Being lied to does.
Being played with does.
Being disappointed does.
Being disrespected does.
Being unloved does.
Being unrecognized does.
Being neglected does.
Being unnoticed does.
Being uncared for does.
When feeling empty inside begins to take over…
Those who suffer want nothing more but to end that crushing, relentless pain. To make it go away.
To end it.
That is what drives people to make decisions that feel like that “gap” inside them could be filled.
I have spoken about The Gap as a landmark, but I think it is also the perfect analogy to the gap we often feel within when we are feeling vulnerable and unloved. When we are feeling empty inside and it just seems to eat us up. We feel like shells. No life. No purpose. Just going through the motions of life, pretending to be okay, when inside, we are destitute.
There is no doubt in my mind that some of the most beautiful and loving people are the same ones who suffer inside (or who have suffered).
When people are feeling empty inside, where there is no other way of dealing with the grief and agony they feel they are immersed in, it limits the choices these people are able to make. When you are on the road to a downward spin and the wheels aren’t slowing, you can hopefully brake softly enough if you can tune into yourself and the ability to love yourself to discover what is going on deep inside.
What to do if you feel empty inside? Remember this…
Self-love is the first love you always need. And it is the last love you need too. But it can be a journey in itself to learn this most precious and necessary skill. It is the love that shines enough when everything else in your life has no light at all. It is the love that allows you to carry on, and still feel your worth, even if you are in a loveless place.
Your ability to do that boils down to several factors. Self-love is a form of resiliency. It’s the emotional insurance policy we depend on when there is no one there to depend on.
It exists to provide self-care and it is tied to your boundaries. Ever had trouble setting boundaries? It is because your self-love needs to be deeper.
Self-love shows up in many forms.
It is self-worth. It is self respect. It is knowing you have value and you have a purpose. It is knowing you are lovable. It is knowing you matter. And even if no one tells you that you matter, inside, you know you do. This is what allows us to stay afloat when the seas turn rough and you have no shelter. You guide yourself. That little inner GPS will speak to you, and you will trust it. You are not waiting for some tall ship to appear in the distance to save you. You can save yourself.
There are messages in everything. Even the negative experiences. These are lessons we are meant to learn so we can grow. If you often feel empty inside, and you feel you cannot fill that emptiness, try this: Think of self-love as self-care.
Self-care is a very tangible thing. It is when you physically and mentally take care of YOU.
It is tangible. And you can FEEL it. Think of warmth. Warm baths, warm showers. A warm bed (Natasha loves weighted blankets).
Think of good food, of nourishment, not binge eating or eating badly.
Think of kindness.
Write yourself a letter. Write down words that resonate with you. Write your qualities down and read what you see in front of you. Yes. That is You!
What do you like? Do things that make you happy inside.
What gives you comfort? Get some of that.
Be your own best friend and treat yourself how you would love to be treated. Take yourself out. Buy flowers. Cook beautiful food. Buy yourself a treat. Watch a movie. Hug yourself. Laugh and enjoy it.
Come to this blog and read. This is a huge source of love and support. And you can be anonymous!
Remember that there will always be people who judge you, who don’t like you, and treat you poorly. The higher you go, the more you put yourself out there, the more likely you are to feel these things. Self-belief is what you need here. Self-belief. Not self-doubt.
People are entitled to their opinions. So are you.
Just because there is a mismatch between others and what they think and where you are at, it doesn’t devalue you.
Think of someone famous. Even if they are known for a certain skill, they are not the sum total of that skill. They are multi-faceted. So are you. You cannot allow others to define you and your worth. You need to be able to rise above others. Do not look for validation from others. Self-love relies on it!
When life hits hard, we have a natural inclination to focus on the things that went wrong or the negatives, and it is called the “Negative Bias.” Google it. It is interesting stuff! It can hold you back, simply because you can’t let those negatives go, and it changes your filters. Which in turn changes your perspective. We stop believing in ourselves, and we must always have self-belief. You need to tune into that part of you because it will speak to you daily. Nurture yourself with kindness.
Part of self-love is self-acceptance. Know who you are. And love yourself for being that unique individual. Suffering in life doesn’t define you. It makes you stronger, more powerful and gives you new ways to grow and learn. Natasha wrote in her last post:
REMIND YOURSELF, each and every day…
“The fact that I have survived my pain, my past, and myself makes me irreplaceable and irreducible.”
Yes!! It’s true! Believe it! And love yourself for being able to do that!
To finish, I will tell you the rest of the story about this famous Australian landmark. There was a man known as The Angel of the Gap who roamed it for almost 50 Years. He was 85 when he died.
He saved around 160 lives but simply going up to individuals he sensed were stressed and asking them, “Is there anything I can do to help?” Think about that for a minute.
Have you ever asked yourself, “What can I do to help myself through this?” You can talk to someone, you can seek support. But every day, practice self-care. It will repay you in spades. And you don’t need anyone else to help you with that.
In memory of the Angel of the Gap, there is a tribute wall there which has a quote from him:
“Always remember the power of the simple smile, a helping hand, a listening ear, and a kind word” – Don Ritchie
These are such beautiful words. The little things are really the big things in life. That is where self-love starts. In the little things.
Remember that no one really wants to end their life. They want to end the pain. They want to fill the void that feels like they are empty inside. That there is nothing left to give.
Learn to be kind to yourself and practice self-care. Then when the tides change, you will stay afloat. Know your worth. Keep those boundaries in place. They will help keep you safe.
Even if all you feel is pain, remember that pain is there because you are full of love and you want to give it and receive it. You have value. Love has value. Take that message and start from there. Go outside and get in the fresh air. Run. Walk. Feel the cold. Feel the warmth. Touch the breeze. Catch raindrops on your tongue. Feel nature. Connect. You are not alone. Nature is a powerful platform to get you out of a negative mindset and give you some connectedness. It will give you a sense of meaning and fill you up. Start there. You must not fall, you need to fill up.
If you are feeling empty inside, keep in mind…
You are not empty, you just feel emptiness. There is a difference.
When you feel a void inside you when you are trying to fill that gap, hang on. To yourself. You are not a reflection of what others do or say. You are not less because you have been rejected. You are not responsible for other people’s inability to love you or value you. If people treat you thoughtlessly, unkindly or snub you – that is on THEM. Don’t let other people’s issues become a shadow that you live in. Recognize it for what it is:
Nothing. To. Do. With. You.
Part of the reason we suffer so terribly when we are heartbroken is because we allow ourselves to believe it is about US. No, it is about the other person’s choice that affected you in a negative way. This is why you need to stop trying to fix it. You don’t need to fix it. They do.
You need to practice self-love by caring for yourself in ways those who broke your heart couldn’t.
Remember, your insurance policy: Self-love. It safeguards you against all species of toxic people. Those boundaries? They are built to protect you. When someone tramples on one, you will feel it. There is the only action you need to take. At that point, you need to SHOW the other party STOP. ENOUGH.
If your level of self-love is low, you will find that difficult. But remember, self-love is like anything that grows. It starts off tiny, but it will begin to sprout when you feed it with self-care.
Those good feelings will teach you about what you WANT, and what you NEED more of. Your boundaries will kick in because they are part of self-love. And they will speak to you when you are not getting the love you deserve. You will begin to attract those people who will treat you well, because your boundaries are expressed in the way you talk, carry yourself, and respond. (Natasha talks all the time about not reacting but responding – it’s GOLD, so practice it!).
Respond in ways that reflect what your standards are instead of impulsively reacting to the negativity from others. Leave them to deal with that. Go be kind to you.
In a way, self-love is toxicity repellant. People will hit a brick wall against your boundaries when you love yourself enough to enforce them.
Choose yourself. And remember there is a good side to everything. If you are feeling empty inside, you’ll sense it when it is small. You don’t have to let it get so big that it becomes a gaping abyss.
When you feeling empty inside, see it as a space to fill. With Love. Self-love first.
Then watch what happens. And remember these words:
I am not empty. I am full of love…
With so much love to you, the readers of these words.
Here is a photo of the Gap…
This post was written by Natasha Adamo team member, Lorelle.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationships, please look into working with me here.
Lorelle, thank you, thank you , thank you. I’ve been dealing with this emptiness for years now. It comes up unexpectedly sometimes, when I’m in a public setting or something I start to get so sad and fight back tears, I get anxious all the time and I overthink everything. I’ve been dealing with my breakup( it seems he’s moved on and is happy) and it kills me, I’ve been dealing with knowing if the people I call friends are really friends, because it seems I go above and beyond for them, jumping at any opportunity to hang out and over share but it’s not reciprocated, so I’ve been feeling very alone. It feels like the world is caving in on me daily. I just wanna get out of it, get to a place where I have a best friend someone I can trust , count on, love and have fun with. I want to meet a guy who’s totally head over heels for me and is loyal, respectful, honest , kind, loving and fun. Most importantly I want to be secure and ok in myself, the choices I make and I dunno just to be happy. I dunno if you have any advice for me or anything but this feeling has been eating at me for 2 weeks now and I didn’t have anyone(who I trusted) to talk to. Thanks for this post again. It was needed.
Denise,
I’m a fellow reader here on PMS my name is Emily and let me tell you you are not alone! I’m currently going through a horrid breakup and I too have the same anxieties about friends not wanting to reciprocate the time and friendship I offer to them! I’m a single mom of one boy and I live in a small town where things to do and genuine people are hard to come by. Things can get a bit lonely for me. I try to reach out to people who say are my friends but when I offer to spend time, for them to come over for a few drinks and talk as girls and hang out they always have an excuse or are too busy for me. I start to wonder what’s so seeing with me that they don’t want to spend time? But then I remember that it’s not ME. Whatever excuses they use are their OWN but I KNOW I am a good friend and a great person! I try to use a little bit of self love and honestly think of things I like to do on my own and go do them as much as I can. I’m learning to connect with myself by doing things that I truly love to do by myself and there’s nothing wrong with that! I’m learning that I don’t always NEED a friend to go with me or be by me in activities and it helps to connect with my self and strengthens my independence and self-security. As far as they go, it’s THEIR loss and they will come around when I don’t throw my offers to them as often. I too am going through an ugly breakup after 3 1/3 years from the guy that had plans to marry me. It’s hurtful, it’s disorienting, and has left me feeling a new found loneliness. But everyday is another day to improve my self love, and as hard as it seems right now, I try to think that every new day that breaks has blessings despite the obvious. I’m right here with you. Much love xoxo
Emily
P.S. Lorelle thank you for the amazing post!
You kickass, Emily! <3
Oh! Happy birthday, Lorelle!
Laura,
absolutely Emily does! There’s no victim here, she’s a phoenix rising!
And thank you….I had a loved up day! 🙂 xxx
Emily!
What beautiful and powerful words you have written! Natasha will love this support you have given!
You are on the right track. You are a wise woman and you have good boundaries in place. Sometimes the lowest points of our lives really turn us in a direction that we never imagined, but the journey there and destination prove fully worth it.
I’m so proud of you, and truly some of the most amazing mothers out there are single ones. In my job, I see that all the time!
Much love to you, you’re a powerful woman with strength in both her words and actions. I love it, and the way you reached out to Denise.
Big hugs and love to you! Xxx ????
Hello Denise, thank you for your words, so glad this is helping you.
That emptiness that you feel, sometimes things/events/people can trigger this. That’s why out of the blue, you can sometimes be overwhelmed with that feeling of aloneness and the gap – you notice between yourself and events happening at that time oe people you are around. Does that make sense?
Triggers are very powerful, there’s so much Natasha has written about them on PMS so go read those posts too.
I read what Emily wrote to you in the post above, and it’s so true, all of it! Bless!
I love the goals you wrote, about the things you want in your life. Keep those standards high! The first step with self love (especially when you’re in a painful place) is to focus on the things you want, then it makes it easier to no longer accept second rate/ I’m just an option/ unloving behaviour from others!
Wanting to be happy is a great springboard to begin really sorting out the things in your life that promote happiness within you. Happiness is definitely an inside job, but the choices we make, the things we accept are all factors that either add to or subtract from the happiness we feel.
Self love is about deciding who/ what/ and how you want your life to be filled.
It’s where you say no to some of the things you may have tolerated for a long time. Sometimes it creates a gap in your life when we do that, but I prefer to see that as peace. Peace from f*cktards, fake friends, users and unloving people.
That space allows you to connect with feelings about what you really want. And the space will attract that because your focus is no longer about drama filled emotional punches and past triggers. It’s about you and what you want and that’s a beautiful place.
It can take some time to settle there and it is tough some days to keep those boundaries in place. I have been there and I relate to all you wrote. Hugs.
Focus on you. What you want. Each day, be kind to yourself. Do nice to yourself. Do gentle with yourself. Remember you deserve happinesss and good things. Accepting crap of others will not bring that.
You are not empty. You are filled to overflowing with love, goodness, values and high standards. Hold tight, Denise. Keep reading the blog here and know you will get support. Stay true to yourself. If you don’t, no one else will and the highest standard of love is the one we set for ourselves.
Boundaries. Keep those strong. You are lovable and worthy. No more crap to try and fill the gap.
I hope this helps you. Let me know. Much love to you. Stay on your white horse. You are loved. Xx
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Hi I’m dealing with a break up that is killing me from the inside out. I’m so lonely and sad that I’ve become afraid of going outside. My life is just empty I hate this feeling I come back to this page a lot as I see I’m not alone and that does help.
Thankyou
Hello Tanya,
I’m so sorry for the place you are in right now. It is certainly true that breakups put us into lonely places that can totally destroy us, even if temporarily. It still hurts like hell and life can become one.
Love yourself, Tanya. Be kind to you. Only be with those who love you and fill you up. If that’s not part of your day to day, then come here and let the tribe at PMS love and support you.
Loneliness will pass. The pain will dull. Your emptiness will fill up again, it’s about the loss you feel. It’s hard I know. Just believe in yourself and that it will pass. Be strong. It’s times like this we can see how our self worth and self love reserves are going. Are we full? Are we low? This is a gift in itself because it shows us where to focus now. Ourselves.
You are full of love to give. So give it to yourself right now. I’ve said this to others but kindness is where you need to start. Kindness heals because it’s love in action. It feels good and it helps us find more of what we truly want. Pain is hard to get over because it engulfs us. Pour in the self love rituals and it will heal those hurts and reset your heart.
Thank you for sharing, Tanya. You got this and you will be safe on your white horse. Go outside. Don’t be scared. Fresh air, people who care and an almost full moon is out there shining for you. Go outside and look.
Love, hugs and I’m thinking of you … ????
Hi again.
It’s been almost 6 months since we broke up I never heard from her again which hurt me beyond belief . So I was amazed when I found out she was stalking my instagram watching all of my videos but still in silence and acting like I never existed.
It then became sadder when she didn’t like what she saw me out to dinner with 2 friends and she called up one if them and was most angry and not liking her now lack of control.
All this confused me even more .
I’m slowly trying to rebuild but still have days when I can’t move from the grief.
So I still come back here and see I’m not alone riding around on my white horse
Thanks all
This blog has become a true means of support for me. It feels like the issue I may be struggling with the most PMS chooses to post about and it makes me feel like I’m not alone and eerily connected lol. I am so grateful for this post as my self value has recently taken a huge blow due to a bad break up and this really helped to me remember my light and realize self love does not have to be some grand gesture I’m striving to see..it can start with doing something simple I think I will enjoy doing and allowing that to snowball into other things that make me feel good about myself. I could barely get out of bed yesterday from the toxicity I was internalizing about myself that my ex made me feel. I realize now that his opinion is not my truth. I will come back to this post many times on bad days but thank you so much. Xoxo
Hey C!
Your words “eerily connected” totally resonated with me. I agree, you can find your exact state of being in PMS posts and it is so healing to just know others get you, are with you and have been there before. Keep coming here, it will heal you and move you forward. It gives you a sense of empowerment and peace.
I’m loving your words about self love. It really is in the simple things, the daily things. Self love truly does ‘snowball’ – I love the way you put that! I’m so proud of you for seeing that others opinions do not define who you are. That’s a hard lesson to learn, we all want validation but seeking it from others who can’t or don’t love us brings pain and a spinning wheel of people pleasing. Get off that ride as it goes nowhere and feels like hell.
Stay on your white horse, be proud of yourself for how far you have come. You’re healing at lightning speed. There’s so much ahead for you, and it really does begin with mastering self love. Keep those boundaries in place and don’t let anyone steal your peace. Xx love to you! ???
Hello, I so feel that Gap, that empty. For a long time now. The kids are grown and gone. The man I loved for years had 2 addictions, drugs and women. Now he is back and wants us to be together again. For me to “stop talking about the mistakes of the past” and just get on with us being happy again. I never stopped loving him. He says that I’m the one he loves. But I’m so scared to trust again. To open my heart one more time. To have him turn around in a few months and start playing with someone else, while pretending that nothing is going on. I’m a mess. Cause I want him, I want the love we have, but the Gap and the fear hold me back. Let go and Let God they say. All I really want is the pain to end. To have answers. To be able to trust. To see the future, that it turned out right. That I can trust and love again. That he and I made it, together. But the Gap seems bigger than me. Thank you for sharing with us. Your words and experiences have helped myself, and many others, I’m sure, through difficult situations.
Hi Julie, and thank you for replying.
I have read your words a few times, to really digest your situation. There is a loneliness no doubt with children growing up and leaving home. Remember too, you got them to that place of independence. That’s an achievement. Now, with more time on your hands to devote to YOU – there will seem to be a huge emptiness, so hard to fill.
Many women here at PMS, have been in your shoes, loving a man who doesn’t love them back in the same way. Cheating, lying, hot and cold, using, mind games, it’s happened to so many of us and heartbreak is a gap and a half to heal. It truly is. I know you feel love for this man, do you feel that he meets your needs?
I’m going to be straight with this – him asking you to forget the past and move forward, that’s convenient for him, but a huge ask from you. He wants a get out of jail card for free. And he has history with you, and he knows how big your heart is – but just for a minute, please ask yourself, will bring with him fill you up?
I suspect, like so many of us here, myself included, you have gotten into a pattern with him that is so old, it’s almost like a pair of shoes you have worn many times. They fit, but aren’t the most comfy, but you love them anyway. They seem to go with everything.
You are worth being loved and cherished. This man has hurt you so many times in the past – cheating is a massive betrayal. I don’t know you, but I feel your hurt in your words and I sense you’re just lost in it all. Almost feeling powerless. What’s the point. It’s better than nothing.
Yes, you love him. But you need to love yourself enough to know you aren’t going to be there on his terms. You say you feel you can’t trust him, guess what? That’s your gut telling you to stay alert. Be honest, can you trust him? The past says no. I have been there. Loving someone’s who betrayed me. Said meaningless beautiful things and never took responsibility for any of it. Excuses.
You are entitled to talk about the past with him. Your gut is screaming not to trust him. Read the posts here at PMS about heartbreak, emotionally unavailable, and relationshits. Read the whole section on relationships then go to self improvement and read about boundaries. The whole section.
You need to let this man know you aren’t there for him to treat you like a housemaid. Love isn’t cheating – he’s getting his ego boosted through playing around which means he has a lot of work to do on himself. Drugs – that’s a whole other labyrinth that shows his maturity and coping skills are limited. He likes escapism.
I wish right now I could drop in and have this chat with you in person, but I can’t. I’m go8ng to tell you though that gap you feel comes from feel8ng rejected and unloved – by him. You love him , yes, but you want a different love back than he’s been giving you. You deserve so much better than this, Julie. You do. You do. Yes, you deserve happiness.
If you think you can build that with this man, then give it a try. But if you have doubts and you feel uncertain when thinking of him then please consider that the gap you feel is trying to tell you he can’t fill that emptiness. That gap is a space for you. To grow and try new things. To learn to feel good and love yourself instead of always being there for others.
I’m so glad you’re here at PMS. The tribe here is extensive and will support you. Read about the white horse and get on yours. Yes, I’ve been through awful pain and stuff I’d never thought I recover from. But I got sick of bring unimportant and second best. I got sick of feeling unloved and unlovable. So I cut those people out, and learned to slowly love myself enough to build boundaries and standards that made me choose better people and situations to enter my life.
Please write back if you read this, I’m on your side like all of us here. You deserve to be loved, Julie.
Remember that. You have love to give but you also deserve to get it back….
Big hugs and love to you..??????
No one here will ever judge you, as we have all accepted things, been in patterns that don’t serve us and allowed ourselves to be treated like crap.
Thank you so much for this post I needed this. Like the comments above, I’m still recovering from a break up with what I’ve learned from this blog, is a narcissist. And it’s been months since that happened. I’m having such a hard time getting myself back on track which is so unlike me. I’m so grateful for ladies like yourselves – I will come back to this post to keep me on track .
xoxo
Hi Kathy,
You will find solace here at PMS and so much to read that will help you heal. Narcissism has tentacles that can cause a lot of pain and disorienting doubts about yourself when you have been involved with someone who operates this way.
You are strong and it’s ok to have days that are hard and a bit of a struggle. That’s path of the course. Just stay kind to yourself and keep doing things that reinforce your values, standards and self worth.
I love reading comments like yours because your words match your actions and instead of just wondering “why me?” You think “what can I learn from this?” It changes the whole perspective of events and gives you personal power.
Keep believing in yourself. You are on the right track and your white horse will keep you moving forward on it.
Love to you, so proud of you too. ???
Lorelle thank you. This post is GOLD. Hauntingly beautiful. I could feel every word resonate deep in my heart. The message is so important. I will be referring to this amazing piece often. Sending you gratitude and love for sharing your gift with us.
Starlie! Awww thank you!
So happy to read your words and it touches my heart when readers gain positivity and a sense of empowerment from a post. I’m grateful for your response. Thank you xx ????
Hello Lorelle, This post came at the perfect time for me. Ive been struugling with this feeling of emptiness for years. I went through a break up last year and it still hurts like hell, because it seems he’s moved on and is happy with the girl he left me for. I felt like i wasnt enough and the emptiness got worse to top it off, im having a hard time with my friendships, wondering who to trust and if they are really good friends. Everything is so confusing and painful right now, and the empty feeling is still there. I dunno what to do 🙁
Hello Dee,
Yes it is an empty feeling deep inside when you feel rejected and easily replaced. It’s a horrible, gnawing pain that challenges your self worth and it’s often slow to process. My most lonely times were when I questioned what my worth was to others. I remember “going along to get along” but disliking myself for it, because in my heart of hearts, I knew they weren’t true friends.
In answer to your statement “I dunno what to do” – well do not fall back into old patterns. Use the emptiness you feel to strengthen your boundaries. Review your admissions policy about the types of people you want in your life. Lovingly let go of those who don’t meet the criteria. You are worth love and respect and you don’t need to accept less.
Treat yourself kindly. Do things that make you happy. Don’t focus on anyone who doesn’t contribute to your life. When you start letting go of those types, the quality of your life will improve. And you’ll be feeling happier and stronger. The clouds will lift.
Stay true to YOU. This is a perfect place to start, Dee. I promise the gap within will get smaller as your level of self love grows. You are loved and supported here at PMS. Remember that.
Much love to you. Hope this helps x ????
Beautiful! How can you not want to embrace life and yourself after reading this!!??!
Leslie, your words made me smile and feel gratitude and happiness. I want positive effects to come out of these posts and so does Natasha. Your words fill me up inside and your positivity is beautiful. Thank you xx ????
“When you feel emptiness, see it as a space to fill. With Love. Self love first.”
This is golden. Thank you for putting your heart, brain and soul to write this amazing post, Lorelle.
In the past few month, I’ve been struggling with depression. Often when I drive, my mind will wander & take the wrong the turn, one minute I will laugh, sing along when the radio play my favourite song, but in the next minute I will cry without knowing why. Suicidal thoughts are something that came across my mind almost every night.
I’ve been procrastinating a lot, I have trouble to accept compliments from other people, self-sabotaging, beating myself so hard for things I couldn’t achieve yet, being clueless on how to identify my mood whenever I’m writing my CBT journal. & the list goes on and on.
I feel like I want to die but in the same time I’m afraid of death. I don’t know where to start, I don’t know how I get into this mess when I used to be so comfortable with myself despite enduring some traumatic experience in the past.And reading your post, give me a glimpse on how to pickup the very necessary skill of self-love. Thank you for listing out few examples too. For someone who is clueless, I need as many example as I could to practice self-love.
I’m glad I see this post now.
Take care, ladies.
Hello Farah,
I read your words and felt like it could have been me who wrote them. I was in that dark place too once. Where life seems to live you and at the same time it doesn’t seem worth living in. Going through the motions and endless days that mean nothing. Yes. I understand.
When I look back on it now, I really needed that space in my life to cocoon myself and the sorrow I felt was immense. Being alone was a solace as I found it too hard to put a mask on to hide my feelings but at the same time felt I had no one I could trust to share them with.
So you are right, there’s a big part of my soul in those words and I’m glad I wrote them so someone like you could read them. They are for you.
Sometimes when we suffer trauma in the past, it comes back up in a new way when we are ready to heal. Painful memories give us an opportunity to think about how we really want life to be, and remind us of the love we really want. Self love is something that opens up your world. It does, Farah. It does. Little things are truly the big things in life. You are lovable. And you are loved and supported here at PMS.
Keep coming back, read read, read, it will fill you up with good feelings. You need affirmations that you’re on the right track. You’ll get them here.
You’re strong, Farah. You have been through a lot but your spirit still shines through. Wish I could give you a huge hug and share my words with you in person, but I’ll settle for this.
I’ve said this in almost every reply, be kind to yourself. Be gentle to yourself and wrap yourself in small things that make you feel good. A cup of tea. A warm bed. Buy yourself flowers. Watch Netflix snuggled up in a blanket. Get a small pet. Even some fish. Buy an indoor plant. Walk outside often. Eat really good food. Buy yourself a new lipstick. Go online shopping, fill up the cart with everything you like. Don’t have to buy it, but choose everything you want, I love doing this haha. In bed!
Things like this break your day up and refocus you. They feel good. Feeling good is part of self love. You need to keep that happening. It helps stop you overthinking. It makes you smile a little on hard days.
I’m so happy you wrote a comment. Really I am. You are not alone. You are healing faster than you realise. You have insight and that’s powerful! Go girl, I’m with you, so is Natasha. We all are here.
Big, warm hugs to you and keep on doing what you’re doing. Crying is good too, it’s a release. Much love and respect. Stay on your white horse, Farah. You are safe. ?????
Lorelle!! I swear I’ve planned to wish you Happy Birthday when I wrote my comment!
That’s what happened when you plan to reserve your birthday wish till the end and eventually that thought fly out of the window.
Tsskk..tssk..tsskk..not cool, Farah, not cool.. I’m sorry, Lorelle. And I hope my belated birthday wish could make up for it.
Happy Birthday to you, Lorelle. Wishing you a blessed and fantastic year ahead marked by success, sound health, wisdom, protection, more beauty, more elegance & class with you. Know that you are very special & extraordinary, and I’ll forever cherish your stimulating and insightful conversations through PMS – a wonderful platform for woman crafted by Natasha.
Reading your reply where you share your experiences, solutions, compassion & more examples are a great assistance for me to find my mojo. It’s already there inside me, eagerly waiting to be discovered.
Big, warm hugs back to you, Lorelle.
P.S. Haha.. and yes, it seems we have the same habit, I love imaginary shopping too! There’s one time I went into the mall, I’ve asked a shop assistant if I could buy all these amazing outfits with my imaginary money (acting like I’m holding bunch of it). The look on her face is priceless. LOL.
Hahaha! Thank you Farah,
I loved your reply and the shopping story. Thanks for those lovely compliments too, I always get pretty teary on here replying to readers as I know how brave they are to write their innermost feelings on the blog. There is so much love on here at PMS and am truly so honoured that Natasha trusts me with her baby here. It’s been the making of me, since reading her blog. Many years wasted trying to find myself, letting people treat me badly and being too afraid to speak my truth or open myself up to love.
It is truly life changing to come here and read. And read. And read. Souls connect and love is shared. Love grows here and hearts heal.
So thank you for your words. We are all the same here I feel. Connected. Full of love. Full of compassion. And all learning to get up when we are down.
Its the most precious experience to be part of. Thank you! XXX
Thank you so much Lorelle to rebuild my heart’s walls, which I felt was collapsing, this article came at exactly the right moment, it strengthened me, While reading, I felt like u know me and all I’m going through, and when I saw the picture, I felt like I was on the edge of that edge, but this article operated like a hand that pulled me from that edge and gave me a hug, I feel new, keep lighting dark lives.
Awww Louise,
I’m so happy to read those words you wrote. It is always comforting to feel like someone knows exactly what you’re going through. The edge in life does exist. It’s there. But if you pull back and turn your back to it, there’s so much more out there that actually has the ability to fill us up and show us love.
I’m so proud of you for recognising that. For you to find warmth in this post – that fills me up, over here on the other side of the world. Keep coming back to PMS and you will find solace, healing and support in both the posts and the readers.
You filled up my heart reading your comment, Louise. I’m hoping this reply fills up yours. And darkness does teach us one thing that is priceless. It shows us by contrast, even the tiniest slither of light, is still bright. It teaches us the value of it, and we learn to recognise the light in any situation. Keep shining yours, Louise!
With love and gratitude, x
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Thank you so much Emily and Lorelle, I’m really grateful and happy to have this platform to connect with you wonderful women . I’m always on this website 24/7 because I need to keep reminding myself why I need to choose me and to be happy . I’m so thankful for the kind words and advice. I love you all??
P.S. I resent the same comment because I thought the first one didn’t send so please ignore.
Happy Birthday Lorelle! Thank you for giving, your light and spirit. Your sharing these words turns the shadow of others I put myself in seem to be a bad choice made by me, not where they orientated my belonging. Confidence is tricky, for me, I worry about stepping on others toes, but self love is attractive, and confidence instilling.
Thank you, Frida x
Always know that confidence can get you a lot of places. You can be ‘quietly confident’ And still be powerful. Sometimes I think we think we need to be outgoing and bold to be confident. Confidence comes from self belief, and you can still be kind to others when you are being assertive. I get what you say though, took me a lot of years to learn to use my voice.
Don’t worry about stepping on other people’s toes. Get a pedicure and get your own toes out there, so you can share who you are instead! ?
Thank you for you words, it really makes my day when I read them and I loved the way you said “self love is attractive”. Yes it is! It will attract new people into your life and your life will open up too. Beautiful!
Love to you x ????
O.M.G. Thank you. Love to you too Lorelle! I feel I’ve been heard by superstars when you and Natasha comment back, like hang on Ryan Gosling, I’m busy…????
Oh Frida, that’s so beautiful! Got a face full of smiles right now… and PMS readers ARE so important. They are real and truly loved. Now you know! ????
Ryan Gosling! Love it! ???. Perhaps you and I can slot him in for lunch when our schedules suit. I’ll ask Natasha when she’s free too and let him know…?
Best compliment EVER ????? love you Frida! xx
Wonderful post, Lorelle with a beautiful message. Self-love is transformational and so so important. It can be difficult at first, it certainly was for me when I had to confront the ’emptiness’ I felt and bow little I valued myself. My painful on/off ‘involvment’ with a fucktard over 4 years which ended abruptly with him ghosting me was honestly one of the most emotionally painful experiences of my life. But ultimately I was able to extract a silver lining from all the doom and gloom; finding PMS and starting to work on really loving myself! When you’ve lived with self-doubt and belittlement, it can feel strange initially to challenge those beliefs but it’s like planting a seed and watching it bloom into a beautiful flower (excuse the cringey metaphors haha). I’ve been going strong with NC and a general social media detox which has honestly given me immeasurable peace of mind as I am able to devote my precious energies to myself rather than a soul-sucking emotional vampire with an ego the size of mount everest! Not to sound pessimistic but the only person you’ll have 100% all throughout your life is you so you’d better learn to be your own best cheerleader.
This post was much needed, Lorelle <3. PMS is like nourishment for the soul. Sending love from Scotland Xx
Hazel,
thank you for your reply. I am sorry to hear of your painful breakup. The ghosting thing after 4 years is just horrible. Breakups are really hard to deal with and that you can find a silver lining say so much about you. I know we cannot ‘flat line’ happiness all the time, but I do feel there is way too much suffering in this world and not enough love! That is the reason why self love is so imperative. It really shields us against the worst times and knowing you are lovable inside, voids a huge amount of negative feelings and helps us from falling into a depression. These times do make the good times so much sweeter, but still, being heartbroken is absolutely no fun.
I am glad that you are on your white horse and can be your own cheerleader. You are so right, we need to be able to do this.
I laughed about your comment about metaphors…lol! I am always using them, I love visualising emotions. I am a teacher, every student in my class can use metaphors and a set of three’ lol. I’d have to write in dot points without them lol Keep blooming like a flower, girl! love it!
Sending happiness to you, and keep riding your white horse as you are truly moving forward. Scotland!! I would love to go there, have family history from your part of the world. Thank you for your words, Hazel and much love to you….xxx
PS: Can’t use emoticons as my pc won’t let me lol
Hello Lorelle.
Thank you for your amazing post. This helped me. I am struggling all the time with where we belong and all my insecurities. It’s hard. This post helped me not feel alone. As I have said many times in this blog I had a very difficult time last year after a breakup. I still struggle and I remember how deep the pain was and how I was in a dark place that I never even knew existed. I did feel like getting rid of the pain but again did not want to die. I know the damage that is left behind. My best friend took her life some years ago and I know it was due to pain. We have to try and fight. We are stronger than we know. I love the part of your story about the man trying to help others. That was so amazing.
I appreciate this especially lately. I had a birthday on the 12th of this month and my ex emailed me after 1 year and 2 months no contact. He said so many things that were kind. When I replied I received a 3 word reply. ??. I fell off the horse right back to the dark place. I’m on the horse again but it is tough. I’m grateful to this blog and to the lovely Natasha for having it. Thank t
You for your clarity. Happy Birthday ??? to you. Be well and stay strong.
Hello sweet Linda,
So nice to see you here…you are not alone. But I also know that feeling of isolation that can be a daily reality.
Try not to over think about things that trigger you into feeling lost. It’s hard not to but over thinking is really destrimental to our perspective.
You mentioned insecurities. There’s a saying that goes something like ‘if you have one strength and 1000 weaknesses, focus on your strength til you have 1000 strengths and one weakness”…
Just do you, Linda. You’re truly enough. I know the breakup you went through devastated you. It’s hard to get up sometimes. Even out of bed after a tough emotional time. You have come so far though. You have! When those exes reappear especially with kind words, it’s so disorientating and it hits the heart. Please ignore him if he contacts you again. You are not an ego boost. You are not an option. You deserve to feel loved, so love yourself enough to never accept anything or anyone that doesn’t respect you.
Sometimes falling off our white horse actually shows us by contrast, how far we have come. You got straight back on. You didn’t run back, didn’t chase, didn’t ask for explanations. That’s because you’re stronger and wiser than you realise.
About your friend, that’s so sad. Those people who say goodbye to life that way, have suffered in silence for too long. I love that readers can reach out here at PMS and find support. Even if someone never posts a comment here, they can read til their heart is full.
Thanks for your birthday wishes, Linda and same back to you, we are both Virgo girls! ??
I’m happy this post meant something to you. Please don’t doubt yourself. It’s hard sometimes not to, but truly, screw worrying about what others think and spend time doing things that make you feel happy. You deserve to be happy. When I realised that for myself, life truly did get easier. I stopped trying so hard and tuned into my feelings more. They will guide you. It’s truly invaluable to feel good. It’s your barometer to tell you how well you are caring for yourself! Stay away from people and situations that don’t fill you up and support you. Have a gold standard about what you’ll accept. It will protect you from crappy interactions and things that don’t bring you peaceful and love.
Much love to you though from me, Linda. I’m smiling to hear from you!! Xxx
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Hello my friend Lorelle. Thank you for all your support.
You are right in saying I need to set a gold standard,. That is what I’m going to repeat to myself daily.
I am also not an option. It’s somewhat arrogant that people think that of others after they make a mess of their heart.
Thank you for this. I do focus on me but I do feel alone a lot but I realize that we are all alone to a degree. We have to like ourselves and be comfortable with that.
I hope your birthday was fantastic and everything you wanted. I’m glad you are in the world.
Thank you again and I hope to meet you someday. ????
Hi Lorelle, this post is amazing- as are all on post-male syndrome!! I think this post definitely resonates with me, I turned 21 this year and to be honest, I don’t even think I was aware of what self-love was and didn’t embody it in my day to day routine. It was only after a bad break-up (with a narcissist who made me feel amazing and horrible at the same time) did I manage to figure out what self love was. A friend recommended this blog to me as it helped her too.
There isn’t a magic solution to feeling better in terms of heartbreak or rejection but what does help as you have outlined in the article is understanding someone’s actions or hurtful words aren’t personal-they are a reflection of themselves. Obviously it is difficult to see the person who did you wrong to move on and act as if they haven’t done anything bad but I guess it isn’t my personal responsibility to make sure he gets his karma. Best revenge is living a life which I can be proud of. I really want to focus on filling ‘the gap’ but also at the same time giving myself a break if I am having a tough day. It is a work in progress and it is amazing to know there are so many exciting things waiting for me.
Sarah!
I loved the positivity in your comment….yes, there really is so much waiting for you! I think of self love as a buffer against rejection because when you know your worth, you never put yourself out there at a discounted price. Breakups and emotional upsets are easier to move on from and don’t shatter our hearts into pieces. Yes, still hurts but it’s not an emotional tsunami.
Yes, never take other peoples actions personally, but if you don’t like what they do, move on as your happiness level will tell you if you are on the right path or not. A lack of happiness tells you volumes about a person or situation.
At 21 you are gaining wisdom fast, so that is going to serve you well. I’m so proud of you, and thanks for writing a comment. Keep being you, Sarah and keep that self loving behaviour strong. Happiness rules all, remember that! X ???
Happy birthday Lorelle.
Yes self love is what we need and that should have come so naturally to us…loving oneself first…putting oneself first yet very often we find ourselves loving and pleasing others so easily and so so hard on oneself.
I am such person. Would bend backwards for others- family, friends and lover…only to find myself alone when I badly need someone at my side. I feel ppl tend to forget that me too I can be vulnerable, me too I need reassurance, me too I want to feel special…
Today I find myself again alone and empty despite having a companion, a partner for whom I have always been there but who seems to think I am a super and a “fix it all” woman who needs no support, care and love. Coming here on PMS, I have realized that he is emotionally unavailable and despite knowing the consequences of this unavailability, I have persisted and allowed him to be reckless with my heart, hoping against hopes, turning blind to all red flags, to my gut, to my heart calling, to my head…turning slave to my libido…
I am reading the comments and find myself so so much touched, with tears spilling…thank u ladies for sharing what you are going through…thank u Lorelle for being so soul touching with ur words.
I would love to know how I let go of this relationship, of him and free myself from such emotional torture. May b I am too weak, my self love is too small and the need for validation is still here making my journey so hard and painful.
I hope one day I am here writing and sharing with u all how I have finally moved on…hopefully soon.
Sorry if my post doesn’t make sense. I am just hitting what’s coming to my mind without filter…
Thank you Hemlan, that’s sweet!
I have read your words a few times. Don’t worry, they make perfect sense. Every single one of them. I’m one of those people who gives a lot too and often feels no one is there for me. This was a pattern for me, I’m glad to say much of that has changed. But I’m aware of it. Because I didnt like that place.
You know, you can be in a relationship and feel totally unloved, disrespected and lonely. What you write is the truth for many. If it is your truth, then you can act on it. You are a super smart and intuitive woman, Hemlan. Know it. Believe it. It gives you immense power.
We all have ignored red flags, truths that continually pop up, going against our gut. Often because we are invested. We so want the happy ending. Sex too. That’s a huge magnetic pull that keeps many people in places they ultimately don’t want to be. Sometimes the people who come into our lives are really wrong for us, but we live for the good times, justify the bad and the wheel keeps turning. Time passes and we get used to it. It’s awesome you are tuning into your gut and practising self loving behaviours. It is why you are feeling the way you are. You are awake. You are aware.
You love a lot. Your heart is huge. Be kind to yourself. You deserve good things and happiness. You know that.
You are truly loved and supported here at PMS. Keep coming here and keep the faith in yourself, for you are in a powerful place of self reflection at the moment.
Be true to yourself, Hemlan and keep the faith. Be kind to yourself. Remember those things. ???
The best is yet to come xxx
Big hugs and so much love to you x ???
Thanks Lorelle for your encouragements.
Yes we are much stronger than we believe. Being emotionally unavailable and refusing to be accountable to the relationship, his mixed signals used to keep me on tenterhooks and would be walking on eggshells…no longer the case. I am still a work in progress but things are much better. I stay in my lane. I respond more than react and I do see the differences.
PMS is the place where I come to reboot myself and it’s a special place where I feel connected to all you special ppl here.
Love u all
Happy Birthday Lorelle! ?? You are pure light and love, and I’m so grateful for every comment and post you have written here on PMS. I actually cried when I first read this post, it was exactly what I needed to hear right now.
For a while now I’ve struggled with the feeling of emptiness and sadness- the gap as you so eloquently described. And I know my self love hasn’t been high enough these last weeks as I’ve made some bad choices for my health and not keeping all of my boundaries intact. I actually fell of my white horse and contacted someone I used to date earlier this year. And it was actually nice talking to him, but I know I shouldn’t have been the first one to initiate contact. I’ve tried to keep my boundaries and stay on my white horse since, and like you said I just have to remind my self that I’m not the one supposed to fix it. He is if he wants me in his life again.
I’ve also been trying now to just take care of myself and love myself enough to only choose situations/people that are good for me. I’ve been going on long walks in nature with my dog and trying to eat more healthy and cut out bad habits. It’s just really hard sometimes when I feel the emptiness inside and trying to love myself as well as being there for friends and family who need me.
Mishaell! (I love your name)
So good to see you again and thank you ? I’m reading your words, and my advice to you is one day at a time. Don’t try to hard to tick all the right boxes regarding self care. Because then that can create a feeling of hopelessness and it’s like ‘what’s the point.’
Try this instead: find joy in the smallest things first – a hot shower, a pretty skyline and then when you do something deliberate, like walk the dog in nature, celebrate it. If you eat chocolate and walk the dog, it’s a win. If you eat chocolate and don’t exercise it’s still a win because you laughed while watching Netflix movies while eating it.
Reflect at the end of each day what made you feel good. No matter how small. After awhile your list will add up. It will get easier to fill yourself up and the reward is a sense of peace and happiness because you’re putting yourself up there as a priority. Everyday. You make sure you’re taking care of you as well as others.
After awhile of this, you’ll get better at saying “no” too when you have to. That’s often hard for us. Definitely keep that gold standard about who you allow in your life. That’s imperative, that’s your boundary line. Good things happen when we ensure that one is in place. Self love becomes innate after awhile. It’s all about choosing experiences, people and places that support us and provide value and love in our lives.
It doesn’t matter about contacting your ex – you didn’t fall off your white horse, you just got off at an old view to pause. You are still riding. You are always supported and loved here at PMS. When you feel empty, lonely or just can’t understand your overthinking, come here. It works, because that’s what I have done many times. So I know.
I’m grateful for your reply and beautiful words, Mishaell- know that. We all fill up inside when we reach out to others, I’m sending you the biggest hug and love…you are looking so good up there on your white horse. She’s a beauty, like you xxx
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Hi Lorelle thankyou for your post its really hit home with me at the moment. Im going through a terrible breakup he cheated on me and was having an affair i found out earlier this year and after much begging and tears from him i tried to give him a second chance. The other girl kept trying to get him back even after she knew about me but he pushed her away. We recently went on an amazing holiday and a week after coming back he told me he had to move out to be closer to his son but once he actually left i seen him throught that next week when he would pop in but he didnt stay the night with me. I he broke up with me by basically pushing me away slowly breaking contact than i found out he is back seeing the girl he cheated with. I am beside myself in grief i can barely get out of bed i cant stop remembering the last time he held me in his arms and the sweet things he said to me. I just dont understand how he chose her after everything. I dont know what to do and how to move forwards.
Hayley,
Thank you for sharing. You are in a tough place right now and you have a lot of clarity about it despite the pain you are in.
Breakups hurt tremendously – especially when cheating is involved. It causes you to question yourself and feelings of not being good enough surface, along with feelings of loss and loneliness.
Firstly, Hayley, you did nothing wrong. This man will repeat this pattern with other women. I’m no expert, but the word narcissist comes to mind when you describe him. He has lied to you, deceived you, cheated on you, ghosted and played mind games. You thought he loved you, and you believed his words.
Sometimes people are really good at the romance phase of a relationship, but as time goes on, showing commitment to it is where they fall down and breakaway. That’s why they can happily cheat and justify it. That’s why how you feel doesn’t matter. That why they can just walk away.
I know you gave him a second chance but that’s got to stop. No more chances. Read the articles on PMS about no contact and emotionally unavailable. They will help you heal and gain perspective. Right now, how you take care of yourself is so important. Be with people who care about you and support you. Don’t get on social media and check up on your ex. Cut him off. He doesn’t deserve you or your love.
You aren’t a doormat – he’s not good enough for you if this is how he’s chosen to treat you. Having been there before myself, in the pain you’re in, connecting to that idea of being too good for him, and that you deserve more is really important right now.
You are lovable and deserve to be happy. He had his chance, now you need to focus on you. Just so you know, he’s not a better man with her. It will last until things get real, if that makes sense. The honeymoon period only lasts for so long.
Take each day without him as a blessing because he cannot hurt you anymore. You have suffered enough.
Climb up on your white horse and know you are not alone. Take each day as it comes. Focus on you. Cut him off. Let people who care about you love you. Cry if you need to, come here and read the blog til you fall asleep, and keep reminding yourself that a man who is worth having and truly loves you would never treat you poorly. He’s out there. He is. But for now, heal. Know that you are loved and supported here at PMS. Be kind to yourself. Keep your boundaries strong about what you will and won’t accept. Don’t take any calls or reply to any texts from this man if he tries to contact you. You are too good for him.
Write back if you need to. Ride your white horse. Breathe.
Much love and a big hug for you, Hayley. Xx be strong. You got this. ?????
Hi Lorelle,
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! My God this could not have been more timely. Thank you for writing such a beautiful piece. Thank you for the reminders. Thank you for the spark. I really wanted to write a comment that is as eloquent as this and yet I am so full of gratitude for you and Natasha that all I can say is thank you from the deepest place in my heart.
Hello Indira,
No, thank you! That this piece helped you in some way is the reason it was written. It’s the reason Natasha created this blog (bless her for that). It’s all for you and anyone else who comes here. I loved your words ‘thank you for the spark’. You know, finding a spark when we are struggling, in pain, unable to cope, buried in heartbreak or drowning in sadness – that spark is what begins to shift us, and from there we move forward.
So thank you for your words, Indira. They are beautiful too, because they come from your heart.
Much love, ????
Happy birthday Lorelle ?? thank you for taking time to write this lovely article. It really touched me.
It is a year ago this week that the love of my life left me after 5 years. I truly thought we’d be married and have children soon. I supported him through tough times and it seemed that as he got his own confidence and strength, he lost interest in me and nothing I did was enough. He said he lost feelings for me and didn’t want a relationship with anyone and moved out of our home. He immediately went online seeking a new woman and over the past year has been in a long distance relationship with a stunning women who he is clearly loving life with. She comes to see him every month and he takes her to all the places we went or that we planned to go to.
I feel so replaced and rejected. I clearly was not good enough for him and he has moved on and not looked back. I’m struggling with understanding how I can be with someone 24/7 (except at work) for 5 years and then he just cuts me off as if I don’t exist. Yet he moved just a mile from me.
The pain is unbearable and I have often thought about going somewhere like the gap. But I think is also fail at that & be in a worse situation.
I thought I had enough self love and thought I was a decent girlfriend to him. Why do men get bored of me? Why is there always someone better than me that they go to once they’ve had what they want from me? Why am I so forgettable and discardable that after such an intense chapter of our lives, he can just continue happily without a thought of me? I have learnt that no matter how much I love myself and just be myself, it is not enough for a relationship. I am happy with myself but ultimately I want a partner and family.
Still so lost a year after the breakup. The lovely little self love things you suggest. I have been doing, and it feels nice at the time but the feeling wears off and I still find myself comparing myself to his new girl and wondering what she has that I don’t ??
Dear Lily, thank you for your birthday wishes and also for writing here at PMS.
About your painful breakup, I’m sorry to hear how this person just cut you off. Five years is a big investment of time.
I’m not an expert, but the way he walked away from you- and chose a long distance relationship, suggests that he has some commitment issues and emotional availability might be not high.
Read Natasha’s posts on emotional unavailability. You will see that these people are very hard to connect with.
It’s easy to see someone once a month to have fun with. It’s different to be there with someone on the daily. Responsibilities and commitments, the mundane, are all part of these relationships.
It’s heartbreaking to be tossed aside in the way that you have been, but Lily, you are worthy and lovable. Stop comparing yourself to the new girl. It’s not about her, it’s about him. Let her have him! Read the posts on narcissism here too, do you see any of those traits in him? Either way, a person who can treat someone pivotal in their life the way he has treated you says he’s a man with no character, integrity or heart. You. Are. Worth. Better. Than. A. Loser. With. No. Integrity.
Actions must match words. Always.
I’m going to ask you to try something. Get angry. Because you deserve better. Because he’s a fucktard. Because you deserve to be treated with respect and valued. The new girl – poor her. She’s got no idea of how he operates and he can paint a facade because he rarely sees her. What else is he up to?
He may have left you with a feeling of emptiness, but that gap wasn’t filled with love. Now it’s there to be filled up with things you deserve. It’s going to come your way.
Getting angry will give you some release from the pain. It’s like a little launch pad into a new headspace that helps heal the feeling of worthlessness and rejection. It’s like a light, a little flame. Let it warm you up.
Be strong, Lily. Ride your white horse. A year has passed. So will the heartbreak. It always does. It will. I promise.
Focus on you. Write affirmations, read yourself to sleep here at PMS, do anything to help you feel good. I remember once deciding every time I thought about someone who hurt me I’d do sit-ups. I got the best tummy ever lol but it helped me refocus. No one is worth suffering over indefinitely. Pain helps us heal but you need to feel it, use it, to motivate you to move forward.
Ride on, Lily. You’re still a bright star. Love to you ????
Oh Lorelle, thank you a million much for taking all the time to reply to me in so much detail. ?? You’re right, I think he has chosen a long distance relationship because she’ll not see the real him and he won’t have to commit like he was expected with me. It does hurt though that she has filled the gap for him, where I once was.
I am becoming more angry with him. But then I get upset thinking how could he hurt and discard me so easily. I think he has narcissistic characteristics. He himself admitted he thought he was a sociopath!
This blog has helped me enormously. I just need to find away to stop getting obsessed with trying to be like his new girl, my brain seems to think that that is the desirable and I am not.
I also have issues with worrying about people thinking I was the issue and not realising the full extent of his emotional unavailability. I know I shouldn’t but I do.
Anyway, today I treated myself to a pedicure with some lovely autumn colour nail polish and some delicious coffee ???????
As for riding my horse, I actually have my own horse ?? but he is golden not white xxxxx
Thank you again?. I am going to save your reply on my phone to refer to as a little loving written piece of warm kindness and motivation to refer back to ??
Where did my post go? ?
Hello Lily,
Your post is here! I will reply to it in full today. Thank you for writing and look again later for my reply to your first comment. Hugs
Xxx ?
This was such a helpful post Lorelle! Pretty much every time I’m out of balance it’s because I’m not loving myself. Without self-love, we can’t have strong boundaries and without those our relationships are a mess. This is such an important topic and I’m grateful for all the ways you reminded us of that.
Hi Brandon, so good to hear from you.
Self love is like mastering a black belt – for many of us it’s a long and sometimes painful journey to achieve it. Paradoxically, it’s the strongest and most important boundary we have. Without it we struggle and it sets the standard for so many parts of our lives.
I also believe that some of the hardest times we go through really highlight what we need to do to strengthen our self love and develop resiliency. That’s why there’s always light in the darkest of times. It helps us refocus and decide what would best help us fill the void inside of ourselves. Self love can fill those holes and it acts like a glue that pulls everything together.
Just being able to ask yourself when in a bad place, “what would help me feel better right now?” Is self love in action. It’s just knowing we all deserve to feel loved and happy. We truly are enough.
You’re so right, lack of self love cause relationship chaos. The first one we need to love is always ourselves. Wise words!
I hope you’re enjoying the cooler fall weather over there, Brandon. It’s always a nice season to relax and reflect in. It’s like the pace slows down a little. And happy (almost) Halloween! ?
AGREED 🙂
I stumled upon your blogs recently and I am greatful. This is ne. Loving an EU nan 8 years and I am broken inside. Thank you for your blogs.
So since I posted here, my ex (my future and life love) has progressed his long distance relationship and the new girl is moving in with him, in my town 🙁
Devastated is an understatement ??
I really do think that my reaction of frustration with his EU pushed him away. ?
You are not alone Lily. Comment on the newest post by Lorelle (I just published it), and she will respond and help more in-depth <3 I am so sorry - I have been there too and what helped me the most was remembering that a human reaction to an inhumane set of circumstances is OK.
Love you so xx
Thank you so much for these words
Thank YOU so much Ale, for your love, connection, and support ♥️