I’ve been avoiding having to write about how to stop stalking your ex, but I’ve gotten so many requests to write about it, I had to. So here I am, finally doing it.
Why didn’t I want to write about how to stop stalking your ex?
Because my answer to the “how to stop stalking your ex” question is not obvious or common. In fact, it’s the opposite of everything that’s out there.
If you Google “how to stop stalking your ex,” here are a few things that immediately come up…
- Delete/unfriend/block him.
- Ask your friends for some tough love.
- Implement a “stalk jar.”
- Stay busy.
- Instead of stalking your ex, stalk a celebrity.
- Find a habit to replace the stalking.
- Get out there and start dating! Get back in the game!
Let’s go through this one-by-one.
Delete, unfriend, or block him? Good advice but needs to be more specific considering that this is nearly impossible post-breakup.
Ask your friends for some tough love? Your friends are in your life to be your FRIENDS; your partners in crime. They’re not there to be your mommy, daddy, or the moral police when you’ve broken some breakup “law.” Friends are supposed to be protective – not parental. This sets the friendship up for resentment, deceit down the line, and just isn’t worth it right now. You are too triggered and emotionally fragile post-breakup.
Implement a “stalk jar.” I’m not sure a stalk jar is, but I’m assuming it’s the same thing as a swear jar? My advice: Please don’t. You may feel emotionally helpless, but you’re not a baby. You don’t need to reduce yourself to psychological infancy so that you can translate to yourself and the universe that you need to be treated as such.
Stay busy? IMPOSSIBLE. I don’t care if you’ve got the busiest schedule known to man. If your brain is set to “must stalk ex” mode, trust me when I say that you’ll find the time to cyberstalk. You could have every minute in your day accounted for, but as long as your not emotionally busy, there’s no point in trying to get physically busier. You’ll just end up feeling worse.
Instead of stalking your ex, stalk a celebrity? .. Why? So you can feel even more unattractive, unworthy, out of shape, and depressed? I’ll pass.
Find a habit to replace the stalking? I would advise against this because when you’re in a compromised emotional state, you’re most likely not going to find a constructive habit to replace a destructive one (stalking).
Get out there and start dating! Get back in the game! No. That’s the last thing you need right now. And even if you want to get back out there, until you heal and deal, you’re only going to meet rebound highlighters (people that highlight the absence of your ex), not erasers.
Whether you’ve just broken up or it’s been a while, stalking an ex on social media or in-person has devastating effects. You may want to stop, but no matter what ultimatums you give yourself… there you are once again, countless times a day stalking your ex, his friends, his family, his new girlfriend, her dog (+ every girl he follows).
It’s a full-time job in and of itself.
As time passes, you see your ex and all of these people that you don’t even know, moving on with their lives while you are on your last emotional leg, zooming in on screenshots and feeling more used, forgotten, rejected, pathetic, and abandoned than ever before.
You know it’s time for a social media intervention, but you don’t know where to begin. You don’t know how to stop stalking your ex. You’re not only obsessing over his social media (and everyone he follows), but you’ve also become hyper-OCD-paranoid about yours. You second guess everything you post and are in an emotional quicksand nightmare.
Here’s how to stop stalking your ex, put an end to the control it has over you and start living your life now…
Before we even get into how to stop stalking your ex, it’s important to know WHY you’re doing it in the first place.
When you realize the exact reason why you’re engaging in a habit, that realization immediately deactivates the influence that the habit has over you.
Even today, I’ll sometimes find myself bored and looking through photos of families that I don’t even know and exes that I truly am indifferent to. The difference between that and how I used to be, is that I’ll do it maybe once or twice a year and within a few minutes, I’m logged off and plugged back into my own life.
The desire to keep tabs is a normal human reaction (especially if you have low self-esteem), and it’s okay.
How to stop stalking your ex? Know why you’re doing it in the first place.
Here are the only 3 reasons why you social media stalk your ex:
- Because you can. Since no one really knows if/when you’re cyber creeping, the freedom that you feel to do so is maximized while consequences are minimized (who’s ever going to find out?). Jackpot.
- You’re Emotionally Cutting. You were so hurt, mind f*cked, and betrayed in the relationship, you’re more comfortable being in a state of pain than you are making the scary effort to move forward (and potentially fail/get rejected again). The only difference is that with cyberstalking, you can essentially control the pain that’s inflicted upon you (because you’re inflicting it). Yes, your pain is dependent upon what your ex likes and posts, BUT you get to control the exposure. It’s all about inflicting, controlling and re-inflicting pain. This dynamic is not only familiar, it’s all you know. You went from the uncontrollable mind f*ckery that was having your ex inflict emotional pain upon you, to now giving yourself that very same pain. Except this time, you’re in the driver’s seat.
- Connection. It’s the last little connection that you have to your ex. EVERY time you log on, you’re looking for one of two things: 1) You’re looking for a sign that he’s just as lonely, miserable and depressed as you are (so that you can run with that little bit of hope and remain invested). 2) You’re looking for any information possible to affirm that he has moved on, is happy, and is in a better relationship (so that you have a license to remain stagnant, blame yourself, and make more terrible decisions through the filter of shame).
My advice on how to stop stalking your ex? Don’t.
That’s right. You don’t have to stop.
If you’re doing anything like driving by his place, showing up at his work, calling him and hanging up, making up fake social media profiles and following him and/or his friends (been there, done ALL that)… if you’re doing anything in which you could potentially get caught or get into legal trouble… please, STOP.
You’re not that pathetic and no one is THAT irreplaceable, valuable, or special for you to jeopardize your reputation and livelihood.
If you’re checking your ex’s social media every minute and can’t stop, there’s no point in forcing yourself to quit. Seriously.
Trying to cold turkey it and placing ultimatums on yourself is only going to make you feel much worse. This is why many strict diets fail. If you feel like you are depriving yourself, the desire to satiate is going to be even stronger. And you will become even more desperate. Why is this bad? It’s bad because you’re human, which means you’ll eventually give in and when you do, it will be ten times more intense, painful, and potentially humiliating.
If you want to dedicate your life to checking up on someone else’s, have at it.
All I ask are 3 things before you do so (things that will eventually lead to answering the “how to stop stalking your ex,” question):
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Dead & Gone.
When you’re looking at photos of your ex, realize that it’s okay to feel sad and cry as long as you’re mourning the death of a person that you know, does not exist. I’m not asking you to believe that the sun sets in the morning, I’m asking you to stop arguing with reality and accept that the person you thought existed is dead and gone. Look at your ex’s photos and understand that this is SOCIAL MEDIA. It’s a highlight reel. And not everything that glitters is gold.
No one (including you), is going to post themselves swimming in the ocean of misery. If your ex posts photos about how happy he is or posts one big “look at me” post after the next, that just means he’s fishing. The more he uses an abundance of exclamation marks or posts admirable/inspirational quotes, the more he’s looking for a reaction from not just you, but from everyone. This means that he’s JUST as validation hungry as you because remember – we attract what we exude. Look at those photos and mourn. It’s okay to cry. Mourn the death of the person that you thought you knew. If he’s already posting thirsty photos, in a new relationship, etc., you can bet that he has not changed. The only person who has truly changed is YOU. You’re no longer willing to have an emotional jerk off session with your own projections. Don’t provide ANY kind of reaction or opposing force here. Stay on your white horse. You can’t claim to want to be “the one that got away,” while simultaneously, sabotaging that campaign by allowing your emotions to dictate your actions. It’s OKAY social media stalk as long as you’re viewing them through the filter of reality. You WILL eventually get tired of it.
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Wet Bathing Suits are GROSS.
If you’re driving yourself up a wall, stalking the every social media move of his new girl, I want you to think about this: Imagine you got a new bathing suit and you put it on. You never quite felt comfortable or totally beautiful in it and it wasn’t constructed that well, but it grew on you and you loved it. You wore it proudly the entire day – in the ocean, playing beach volleyball, in the pool, on the sand, on a boat, back in the pool, when you peed in the ocean, etc. You finally get home, still wearing it and the bathing suit is dirty and still damp. It’s got ocean water, chlorine, sweat, and SPF all mixed in. You feel gross from being in it all day. So, you immediately take it off, hang it up on your shower rod and take a long shower to clean off. WHILE you’re showering, a new girl comes into your bathroom and PUTS ON (so gross), the wet bathing suit that you’ve been swimming in, sweating in, peeing in, and running around all day in. She may look way better than you did in the bathing suit; she may be able to fill it out in all the right areas and make it look sexier and more expensive and valuable than you ever did but… It’s your WET, DIRTY, and USED bathing suit that she’s wearing.
When you social media stalk the new girl, have some empathy and be kind. Don’t hate on her. She’s wearing your wet bathing suit and has no idea just how dirty it is. She just thinks it was wet because it came fresh out of the washer. Yikes. Don’t hate on her because she doesn’t know what you already do. Feel bad that she’s wearing your old, wet bathing suit.
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Use the success, happiness, and resiliency that your ex portrays on social media, to drive you into your OWN. For REAL. The kind of success that you won’t need to announce because it will be known. LIVE those inspirational quotes instead of posting them. Leave the superficial posting to your ex.
If you’re going to re-inflict pain, at least use the pain that you acquire to motivate you into action. Some of my greatest work has come from rolling in the proverbial mud with the pigs, choosing NOT to react for instant gratification, and making the decision to ACT on those painful observations.
Instead of sticking your head in the toilet and then, crying because you smell, get to the point where you’re so dirty, you’re finally ready to flush the sh*t and take a shower. Stop being scared to flush and wash yourself off because you’ve convinced yourself the sh*t is the last token you have of a meal you once enjoyed.
Go MIA on social media for a while. It’s okay, I promise, the sky won’t fall. USE the dysfunction that you see on social media to motivate you out of your own. Feel free to unfollow whoever you don’t want to follow because it’s YOUR profile. If anyone wants to take your unfollowing personally, so be it. You’re no longer playing that game!
Since when did recognizing yourself, your needs, and your pain in a healthy manner become a shameful thing?
Figuring out how to stop stalking your ex is something that doesn’t really need to be “figured out.” Every time you stalk, you’re taking a huge deposit out of an already negative self-esteem bank account, but guess what?… YOU are doing it this time, not your ex.
You have the power to stop just as easily as you have the power to magically make time in your busy schedule to snoop. You’re clearly getting something out of the stalking or you wouldn’t be doing it.
Why not work toward getting a life? A life beyond your wildest dreams (due to the motivation that the stalking provided for you to finally get off your emotional a*s).
This is your opportunity to reclaim your power. You got this.
x Natasha
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
Natasha, the wet bathing suit analogy has helped me more than 7 months of therapy ???? Thank you for sharing your pain and your gift with this world. Your words speak to my soul. Please keep writing! I am so excited for your book and for all that’s to come ???
Yeeeeesssss same here girl
Blown away. You are a queen. Thank you for healing my heart and even making me laugh amidst all of this heartbreak. Your friends are the luckiest people just to know you Natasha ?
This message couldn’t have better timing! I’ve been doing a stalk-a-thon of my ex’s new girlfriend and driving myself nuts…what do they possibly have in common, why isn’t he wallowing like me, how was I replaced so easily,does he really like girls that take sexy selfies on the daily, is she better, prettier, younger than me? She’s everything he condemed me for x 10 and I’m trying to make sense of it. It’s taking any bit of self confidence I have left and throwing it out the window. The part that is insane is I’m doing it to myself!! Our relationship wasn’t bad – it just wasn’t a fit and I was extremely sad but kinda relieved it ended. Now that I see he’s seriously dating (I believe he set this up before we broke up) I’m feeling sick about it. I have incessant thoughts about them together and it’s maddening. Everyone says block him…let it go. I rationally understand this and I’m sure it’s advice I’d say to someone else. But my mind is not getting the memo. Reading your posts helps me feel like I haven’t gone off the deep end and I’m not alone. Thank you for making me feel “normal”. Xo
I’m happy it helped! 🙂 You are so far from alone Michelle. You are loved, supported, backed and believed in beyond words. Keep coming back here to the blog. All my love to you soul sis xo
wow I feel the exact same way right now. Its gotten better but that is exactly what ive felt. Why isnt he hurt like me and he gets to be happy and leave me hurt? and i feel like my ex set it up before we broke up tol because the girl he is wih is someone he knew and someone he told me he would date if we ever broke up. and even if he sid eait til we broke up, i feel like he saw grass being greener even though he says it was just a relationship with me he didnt want. But who knows . i dotn trust him but wow exact same situation. hsi new girl seems exactky what he wished for but i dotn actually know the girl. just see he ron social media. the way e described as like she was different than me and exactly what he wanted. I dony want HIM anymore its just the painof the situation and how Im left alone while he gets to move on happy. He is already so smug as it is.
Your last sentence stating you don’t want him anymore, but he gets to move on and be happy is exactly how I feel. Used and abused to be with the type of person she’s always wanted just to leave me behind like trash. The whole situation has made me definitely have the eagerness to get what I desire and deserve in life. It also has made me seem crazy. I know I’m not pathetic. Leaving everything behind starting today.
You got this, Kam! Thank you so much for your love, connection, and support.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and thank you for sharing. You are NOT pathetic. All my love to you. xo
You’re not alone. It’s happened to me too and I have all the same thoughts coupled with physical pain so bad in my chest that I had to stop. I was stalking her as do not have access to any of his accounts after blocking and unfollowing him. What you are seeing is a false projection of what she fantasizes. His new girl is besotted with him. I found out he was texting me and sending me videos of a concert he was at whilst sitting beside her. Social media is just the glittery showcase. Who knows what is really going on inside? the doubts? insecurities? fears and suffering. Nothing is ever as perfect as it seems.
AMEN. xox
Love the quote ” you are doing it to yourself” it’s funny how you don’t see it that way when your immersed in this behaviour! And I always wondered why I walked away feeling so bad but then wanted to look again later?? Thanks so much Natasha ..
Terri
I totally understand what you are saying, Terri. You feel bad, but you keep going back for more. As Natasha said, we are pain shopping and getting some validation from it. It’s amazing that we can see it’s not helpful but still the mind goes there. Even now I’m thinking I’m wallowing and online looking for ways to heal but my ex is waking up with his new girlfriend and making plans for a fun day. I have to remember she can wear my gross, dirty wet bathing suit! Ha
YES! Loving the sisterhood XO
Hi love, I know it is hard to accept but you said it yourself that you were not a match. Deep down in your gut I think you knew he was not the right guy for you but it is always hard to let go.
Maybe he found his match or maybe he didn’t but I find that wishing people well cures these feelings.
Trust and know that something good is coming your way. Something that is more suited for you. Wish him happiness and know that you will also find your match and you will be happier with someone else too.
Every time you want to look at his page think about this. Is it really worth it going going down that rabbit hole? It’s not doing anything for you but bringing you sadness. It’s not worth it. Don’t compare yourself. Love yourself and be gentle with yourself. Your future boo will think you are the greatest most beautiful human alive and he will post you and his ex will probably feel the same about you. It’s vicious cycle of negativity but you can change it by just wishing everybody happiness. Good things will come your way?
I love seeing this kind of love and support. It’s what I live for. Thanks, Noemi! xox
Love this!
Wow, this!!!
Exactly! Thanks Terri!! 🙂 XOXO
Once again spot on Natasha. I’d come home from a night out with the girls on a Friday night feeling sorry for myself and not worthy for anyone ( not bc of my loving and supportive gf’s, but rather I’d only go out with gf’s and have no one to cuddle at home) and since I felt like s*it, why not solidify it by checking up on him. Down I’d go. And hard. Looking up who he’s involved with, judging her, hating her, crying all my mascara off. The pain was self induced and although I have very low self esteem, I think I “checked up” on him and her one too many times. Somehow I decided that even with low self esteem and not worthy of him, me doing this has to stop. And I stopped it. I still think he’s “living the life and happy with her” I can’t keep doing this to myself.
Have a long road to go but giving that up helps.
Thanks Natasha
Love you sister! Happy it helped 🙂 xx
This is so good my friend!
Ahhh thank you Wyatt! Thinking of you often!
Natasha! It’s like you are a mind reader. I’m a couple of months into a post relationsh*t break up with someone I have to work with.
I can’t escape him, just when my mind is free he walks through the door and a flood of memories come back which render me a useless blubbering, make up ruined wreck. He never really explained why our 18 month realationshop suddenly ended after stringing me along with false promises, pretences and it’s been really hard to get over.
I thought I was healing and getting better but he’s taken a few days off work and my paranoid brain is imagining all kinds of scenarios where he is away with someone new. I’ve been cyber stalking ex girlfriends, friends, friends of friends. I felt so small and pathetic until I read this post! I am back on the wagon!!!! Love the swimsuit metaphor. If I find out he is away with someone, I will just shake my head and feel sorry for her and relieved I am free. I look back at his ex girlfriends and realise he did the same to them, how could I have been so blind?!
Thank you for lifting the fog once again ! Xxxxxx
Yayyyyy! This makes me so happy to hear; I’m glad it helped 🙂 Thanks for taking the time to share. You are loved, believed in and never alone. XOXO
Good advice! Thank you for taking a break on your busy schedule to write this.
Stay blessed,
Ricki
Thank YOU for the love and support Ricki! 🙂 XO
Trust me when I say that I have received plenty of advice about relationsh*ts, exes, breakups, etc., and NONE of it compares to yours. I can’t thank you enough for slapping me in the face with your words of wisdom and waking me the f*ck up from that nightmare. If I never would’ve found your blog, I wouldn’t have recovered as much as I have since the ex and I split. You’ve reminded me what’s most important, and that is self love. Always looking forward to your posts, and cannot wait for your book! Take care Natasha. xx
Christina, you’re going to make me cry! It was and is my pleasure. Thank you for the love, sisterhood & support! 🙂 xo
At the end of the day, no one is worth a felony or misdemeanor!
YAAAA exactly xx
You got THAT right!!!
I can only speak for myself but if I put as much determination into moving on with my life as I did with stalking Facebook, I would have been over him a year ago!
Natasha is 100% right, I’m upset over a guy that once was. Now he is with her & I get woken up at 4:30 (just like now) with him drunk telling me he loves me. Oh & I work with the s*shoke as well, so I can’t block him.
He left me. He moved on & I am starting to accept it’s over & I need to mourn the life I wanted & stop looking at a life I’m no longer a part of. All it does is piss me off & I start the “he rather be with someone like her than me.” I’m doing it to myself….he let me go but I’m choosing now to hang on & for what?
Now I’m awake & that as*hat is passed out with her in bed! Even though it’s bad & I do believe in karma, I want him to hurt just a little & see what it’s like to love so much, it hurts!!! But I will continue to fight to moving on battle & now that I’ve super glued my ass to my white horse…..I’m going to do my best to continue to move forward.
Good luck with your struggles sisters & as always Matasha thanks …. xoxo
Ok, apparently I can’t spell at 4 in the morning…
*Natasha
???
lol
Meredith – If I would have put as much determination into moving on with my life as I have stalking on ALL facets of social media, I’d be on the cover of Forbes right now! I’m dying laughing; I love that you’ve super glued your ass to the white horse lol! Proud of you sister! 🙂 XOXO
Meredith,
YES! after a 4.5 year relationshit and the following 4+ years of lying to myself, keeping in touch, social media stalking, being hoovered, and pretending I could be friends with someone who trashed me beyond what i was able to comprehend – I finally GET IT. I could have saved SO MUCH time if I just let go when he threw me away. Natasha has changed my life – and I keep coming back anytime I have a low moment. It’s hard to accept that I have wasted so much time – but the last 4 years are on me. I allowed him to keep me on that back burner. I essentially abused myself.
Anyway, your post spoke to me. I am not sure when this was posted – I can’t see any dates. Just know you helped someone today. And Natasha, your IG posts literally save me and give me HOPE. You are amazing.
Much love xoxo
You’re the best! ~xoxo
Ditto! 🙂 XO
Hey Natasha, thank you for another great article!!
Every time I read anything you’ve written I completely realise that every word you’ve written is right but it’s just so difficult to act on 🙁
My ex is pretty much off social media and I just can’t help stalking his new gf on social media, they’re not openly together and it upsets me every single time I do stalk but I just feel like I need to know if she ever makes it public that they’re together so that I’ll know if they’re serious about having a future together. It’s been over a year and I cant let go of the hurt and humiliation he caused me. I bumped into him recently and he gave me a half arsed apology but The fact of the matter is rather than being open with me he blocked my number and completely acted like I don’t exist.
I just want to forget him and move on but part of me wants him to see me and realise that I care for him more than I ever have about anyone. The way he ended it was just so humiliating, I would’ve done anything for him and he was happy to act like we’d never even met.
I don’t want to stalk his girlfriend, she hasn’t done anything to me but I just can’t seem to stop
Hi Helen! Thank you so much 🙂 I know it’s hard. Keep coming back to the blog and just know that you’re loved, supported, backed and believed in. xxxx
Agreed! Love you, Natasha! You have helped me soooo much.
Thanks Avianne! 🙂 Love you too sister!! XO
Natasha,
I have been divorced for 3 years after a failed 17 year marriage. On top of a failed marriage and constant turmoil and rejection from my children due to their dad’s narcissistic behavior, I have found myself in several relationships with these unavailable men- while looking for validation and to heal my wounds and poor self esteem. I pride myself in being successful career wise and financially but my relationships have been so toxic. I am recently out of a 1.5 year relationship with an addict that I thought (stupidly) that I could “fix”. I am still struggling to get past this one… while knowing he is toxic for me and trying to understand myself and why it is so hard to let go.
In the past 3 years I have done therapy, read all the self help books I could get my hands on and I have to say that finding your blog has been an immense blessing. The way you write and analogies really put things into perspective- (one of the first things I read was about how when you are so hungry that even an old stale half eaten twinkie is perceived as the best thing ever…. ) I was so low and thought love/ sex from an addict who lied, cheated etc was fulfilling and wonderful. After a failed marriage, I wanted to make this relationship work and seemed willing to be blind to the reality of who he is and took his behaviors personally.
At age 43, I still have a lot of healing to do to come to terms with the “losses” I have experienced and to learn how not to repeat the same patterns which inevitably give the same results.
Please keep writing- I read your blogs over and over. They give me comfort that I am not “crazy” or alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! I can’t wait for your book. You are an inspiration.
Annette
It takes one to know one – you are an inspiration Annette! Thank you for sharing and for your love, sisterhood and support. I’m so happy that the posts have helped! 🙂 All my love to you soul sister. xo
Thank you for posting this, I have just started going down the stalking drain again. Even though I know that their relationship has an expiration date (she doesn’t have a visa ?) I still can’t help checking to see if they have already broken up or if anything has changed. The wet bathing suit analogy helps as well as trying to remember to mourn the man I thought he was.
Happy it helped 🙂 Thanks Lily! You’re not alone. XOXO
Yassssss! Wet Bathing Suits are GROSS!!! I love it. Brilliant as always Natasha.
Happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Mika!! XOXO
Natasha, this is a timely life-saver to have found your blog. I am at the “How to Deal With Rejection” phase, and before reading it, I felt so low that I could walk under a snake’s belly. After reading it; re-reading it; going off to ponder it and re-reading it again, I have to tell you that I feel better than I have felt in a loooooong time. You ARE a Healer. Your words ring so true, and immediately speak to me– I just re-read them to help them settle deep into my cranium! “Thank You” feels lame, in light of the stress you have removed from my life. And by the way, I am in my 60’s…. so it is Never Too Late, thanks to You?
You’ve got me in tears over here Jen. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’re right – it’s NEVER too late. I talk to so many women in their sixties, seventies and one that was 82 years old last week. Unfortunately, these experiences do not discriminate against wisdom or age. You are loved, adored and supported. Thank you for taking the time to reach out. All my love to you soul sister! XO
I’m the happiest soul since I found this blog. Last Friday I stayed home, put on some Christmas lights and ate crackers and cheese while reading and writing in order to accept and empower my feelings and thoughts. I think I typed something about “ex” on google and then your blog showed up. I spent in my balcony 3 hours going through everything, reading it over and over again and truly I felt like I was the reincarnation of you in a present life. Or you were me in a past one? I’ve no idea, all I know is that night changed it all. I’m here waiting anxiously for every new post and instead of stalking my ex anymore I am stalking you on snapchat! Natasha I can’t thank you enough for writing this blog and making us feel understood and empowered. I am sharing it with my sister who has been going through a bad breakup for two years and I’ve been trying to recover from a breakup for five months.
I can’t lie, I miss him but is more the idea of the relationship that I made in my mind.
In the meantime, I will enjoy this stage and grow up, embrace it and share this amazing blog with other sisters in need. I’m grateful for your life and your experiences.
I am speechless Fio! Thank you from the bottom of my heart 🙂 I’m honored to have played a small part in your healing and realizations. Sending you lots of love, positivity and support soul sister. You’re not alone. XO
Hi Natasha. I really thank you because every time I need help I come to your blog and find the support I exactly need. Today was a terrible one. I’ve been struggling with the post-breakup sh*t for 8 months now. And about a month ago I started missing mi ex so much more than I did before….and telling myself that it was strictly for a small amount of reality I opened his fb today. Wish I didn’t. I saw this post from two days ago of him and his new girlfriend in another state living a fabulous trip. He always told me that he hated traveling (and didn’t want to travel with me) and now he visits a new place every weekend, also there are lovely titles for the photos like “at zacatecas with THE LOVE OF MY LIFE”. I could literally felt my heart breaking again (I thought there was nothing else to break but I was wrong). Love of his life after 6 months or so? And what was I then for him? (No matter if he told me the same bullsh*t to me right before we moved in together, I assume it is true for her and was a lie for me).
So now for the purpose of this comment. Your post gave me strength and inspired me to make this self commitment: I will work hard to get the life I want for myself. To achieve everything I want. It may seem that at this point that I’m alone, broke and that constantly hurt my loved ones (who see me in such a sad state). But I will get past this phase and become a better person. 🙂 I also promise to come back and comment this same post once I achieve it. So I can see how I won and this sadness seems irrelevant in the future. And maybe to give extra hope to carry on for a person who is at the point I’m right now. 🙂
We’ve got a DEAL Laura! I’ll be waiting for that comment 🙂 I love, believe in and support you, as does this tribe. Thank you for sharing and for being the light that you are. XOXO
Oh Natasha, I just love your blog haha! I want to delete my ex (and ex best friend) SO badly. It just seems so final…and I don’t want to look immature. AND I don’t want to hurt their feelings. How nuts is that? I’m worried about protecting the feelings of two people that have zero respect or love for me. I’ve even contemplated just deleting my facebook so I don’t have to be the bad guy and do it first. *Facepalm* Anyways, this article is great and the wet swimsuit analogy is genius. Please keep writing!
Thanks Adrienne! You made my day 🙂 I know how you feel because I used to be the exact same way. Read my posts on people pleasing, they will help. XOXO
Natasha, after dealing with on again off again boyfreind,your blog put me back on truck. I always appreciate it. There is a question that does he thinks and feels about me and my new boyfreind as a dirty baths suit ???
By the way,I recommend your blog to many people all over the world.. xoxo
Thank you so much Gem! That means the world to me 🙂 I don’t know the whole story and can’t give advice in the comments, so it’s hard to me to answer you sufficiently. Thank you so much for your understanding, love, sisterhood & support. XOXO
Your website has practically saved me in a jungle of awful online advice a I always come here and feel like this is emotional sanctuary following the relationshit I escaped last year – it’s almost 3 in the morning UK time and I was up worrying after bumping into narcissistic ex and new happy unaware girlfriend who moved in with him within five minutes of out breakup and this has stopped me going into a major decline again following the breakup and realise I am just hurting not insane! Just working on being my own white knight – love your work – thank you thank you thank you ??????
Thank YOU from the bottom of my heart Carly. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and thank you for being YOU.
You are loved, understood, supported, believed in, backed and NEVER, ever alone. xx
Mannnnnnnnnnnnn the example of the bathing suit…… Ohhhhh myyyyyyyyy…… Please Natasha…… I love you….. You are mind blowing……. You deserve A standing ovation
LOL! Thanks babe. I love you too !! x
Dear Natasha
I just wanted to take some time out and thank you for your work. In a world where we are constantly being told to “stay positive “get over it” and my favorite “there are other fish in the sea”, your blog is the ONLY place where I can go to feel understood.
We are so quick to dismiss how taxing a break up can be- I am going through my second break up in the past two years and I feel like I can barely function. I begin to feel a bit better and then my ex boyfriend will post an instagram story and I am back to square one (I can’t stop looking though). Hopefully in time I will heal and deal as you say.
Thank you for making me feel less alone, I wish you all the best in your career! You will do great things.
Hi Andrea! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! 🙂 I can’t put into words how much you, your support, sisterhood and comment mean to me. You WILL get through this – you’re not alone. All my love to you soul sis. x
I am interested in getting a copy of your book! You are amazing you know exactly what to say that hits the nail on the head. I need that book LOL
I’m working on it! 🙂 Thanks Natalie!! xoxo
I agree the bathing suit statement WOW it gave me chills you should be all over billboards. I am just so thankful god brought me to your website so much has changed in how I think since I have been reading your amazing blogs. You are a rare diamond this is truly your calling. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. o
Natalie – Thank YOU. I can’t put into words how much your love and support mean to me. I’m so happy and honored to help 🙂 xx
I know I’m a little late to this post, but it really helped a lot. I broke up with a girlfriend over three years ago
The things she put out made me act mean, and hateful towards everyone. I want able to get out of a depression so low that the only thing keeping me alive was the fact that I didn’t want anyone to find my body. She dug at my self esteem, and called me a worthless piece of shit on a fairly regular basis. I’ll be open with the fact that I have borderline, which I know makes being in a relationship with me extremly difficult because I can go from idolizing to hating on the flip of a dime, and swing between the two several times in an hour.
I’ve been in a relationship with another girl since about two months after we broke up. I’m happy with her, and I love her dearly, everything is great honestly. I just couldn’t quite get this tick off my neck. I’ve hidden this fact for two years, which has made me feel intensely guilty, but I don’t quite know how to say ‘I’ve been cyber stalking my ex,’ without it sounding like ‘I’m not over her.’ When I am. I’ve gotten to the point where seeing her in person doesn’t even make me want to rage, or break down in tears. Her existence doesn’t really mean much to me anymore, but I couldn’t stop the cyber stalking.
It reved up twenty times worse when I learned that she was now in a relationship with a man. I found myself asking ‘did she treat me like that because she’s wasn’t happy in a relationship with a girl?’ ‘What does he have that I didn’t that makes her so happy?’ And most importantly ‘why the fuck do I care, when her personality hasn’t changed and she’s still the intensely rude and negative person she was three years ago?’ And more so ‘why do I care when I’m happy, and bettering myself?’
Like most other comments, the wet bathing suit thing made something click. If he wants that, he can have it. It was good sometimes, but the sand made things uncomfortable until in the water again. The water wasn’t often enough to help all the sand, and the sand hurt. If he wants something that was a reliefe to take off for me, good for him.
It’s still going to be a chore to not compulsively stalk her, but I have to work on it. I have enough problems with depression, and going on a downward spiral from time to time without obsessing over her and how she’s doing so damn great. But I don’t care anymore, and the obsession isn’t worth the impulse and the distress that it causes. So, thank you for advice that actually made some sense to me!
So happy it helped! Thanks Ren 🙂 XOXO
I ended my relationship with a narcissist almost almost a year ago. Since I setup most of his accounts, I have access to almost everything. I can see where he goes because of Google maps, I can log into his gmail and FB. Why do I do this to myself? Your answers were spot on, because I can, I feel connected, or I’m reliving the pain.
If I look, then it triggers reminders which triggers memories (mostly bad) but I can’t help myself.
I am going to try the old 30 days breaks a habit…. I know it’s my choice and I have to be strong. It doesn’t help that he still emails me every few weeks.
I’m glad I found your website. I’ll take any ideas anyone can offer.
Hi Natasha,
I did google the “how not to stalk….” and found your article. My ex broke up with me out of the blue again, after one and a half year, and after he did it to me twice before, plus a cheating episode. I still miss him a lot like a retarded person! I guess I am a pain shopper. It’s like I’ll shop all the pain and torture myself to a point I am tired of it. Couple days ago I did the drove by and walked up to my ex’s place, and it was the first time (I warned myself it would be the last time) for me to do such thing. Now, I am driving myself crazy for imagining things! Like, what if for some dramatic reason he found out? What if there was a “crime situation” while I was there and I somehow got blamed?!?! I know I sound crazy right now. This thought just consumed me so much that I am so scared now. I wish I read your article two days sooner.
On the other hand, I did the cyber stalking about him all the time! It’s like, if he was online on WhatsApp, I would think he was talking to other girl. I know he can be talking to ANYONE, and I am the crazy one to think like that and be sad because of that. I am so lost.
I made a schedule to see a therapist, because I just don’t know what to do anymore. But after reading your article, I realize I am not alone, and people out there did have the similar experiences that can help me. It’s not just “let go and move on” kinda advice all the time. But more like “I understand why you do what you do, and it’s ok, but you just need to stop this for yourself, no one else!” Thank you!
Hi Dani!
I am so happy and honored to help. You are understood, loved, empathized with, believed in, backed, supported, and never alone.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for being the light that you are. I have so much to say – wish I had the time to write in the comments. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested. There is a link to it on the homepage.
All my love to you sister. XOX
There is one more reason that I detected for stalking an ex. I was wondering why I couldn’t stop doing it and then I realised that when I stalk him I have some sense of reality depending on what he posts but when I stop stalking and know nothing about him and what’s he’s doing then the paranoia takes over and the scenarios I create with my mind are far more painful and horrible than the reality of his posts. Because for some reason instead of the space and the time to help it makes me more depressed and paradoxically more connected. I don’t have an idea what to do in this case.
It’s been 2 months since we broke up.. it was mutual as his parents didn’t accept our relationship.. I don’t want to block him on social media but I don’t want to stalk him either.. sometimes the bathing suit analogy is helpful other times I just give in .. we’ve promised to remain in contact but it pains me to see his social media.. I’m learning to accept slowly but the pain is still there.. I don’t know if what I’m doing is healthy but hope it gets alright soon
WOW!!! I accidentally came upon this on your website. I don’t have any way to stalk my ex, but so many of my Facebook friends are doing it and messaging me screenshots and I get them to stop then it’s someone else doing it. He blocked me the first day he took her out to meet all of our friends, now they seem to be only his friends, that’s ok too. Earlier that day he’d sent a text to me saying he couldn’t walk away from me and he didn’t know how to live without me. This is while I thought we were still working things out. The two times I got thrown by (or willingly jumped off) my white horse were evenings after I was bombarded with screenshots. I made a complete ass out of myself, both times. But, all that said, I have begun to lift weights, I’m eating so much healthier, making plans with friends that we didn’t have in common and trying to keep pushing forward. I have written down many of your quotes and I read them every single morning. You have helped me tremendously!! Thank you for doing all you do!
Hi Lynn!
I am so happy and honored to help. Thank you for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 xoxo
Oh my. This might literally have saved my life. I was discarded ten months ago , we also ran a business together. My ex treated my like dirt for the last few years together. Textbook narc-empath relationship, I suffered projection, gaslighting, belittling etc. I recognise now that I’ve neen literally addicted to the rare possibility of validation, or a tiny fragment of affection. Also addicted to the emotional rollercoaster of monumental stress mixed with making plans and being excited about fixing the budiness. Ten months on and Ive become seriously addicted to cyber stalking him and his new woman. (They got married last month. Seriously.) Your writing here made me realise I’m addicted to the pain as well as the validation. I’ve had months of therapy and received all of that earlier advice. Block. Reward yourself for not looking. Get busy. Etc etc. It hadn’t worked. It wasn’t working. But I read this and cried. It’s ok to look. I give myself permission to look and mourn. As soon as I realised that I felt like I didn’t want to look at all. I didn’t need to. I don’t need to. Thankyou Natasha for making sense of it like no one else has.
LGT,
I am in tears. Crying too hard to write back as much as I want to <3 Thank you so much for sharing your story (I hope you know how many people you are helping as a result feel understood and less alone).
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and just thank you for being the light that you are. I am so happy and honored to have helped in ANY way. All my love to you - Wish I could give you the biggest hug in person right now. You are never alone in this or EVER. xx
Thank you for writing this. I have recently been cyber-stalking someone who discarded me a few years ago; indeed, someone who gaslighted, manipulated, and emotionally abused me. Perhaps she did it out of malevolence, perhaps she did it out of carelessness, I’m not sure. But one thing is for certain – as a result of reading this, I am ready to commit to ‘no more’.
Thanks Natasha.
My day is MADE 🙂 Thank YOU Ed for being a part of this tribe. So happy it helped! x
Thank you so much!!! Brilliant bathing suit analogy. Also an excellent reminder that taking peeks at my ex online just brings my self esteem down a notch at this point in time, every time. I want to save this for my daughters when they have a rough breakup! ??
What a compliment <3 Thank you from the bottom of my heart Carly. I'm so happy that the post was helpful 🙂
I live to give what I wish I had. Thank you for being here and for being you. xox
Really feeling better, Can’t thank you enough.. Continue your good work to help lost and hurt souls!!!
????
So what do you do when you’ve made a complete idiot of yourself and everyone found out you were doing it. I mean-EVERYONE? I feel like so stupid.
Thank you so much for this?????? You said everything I was feeling and really made everything clearer this is the exact thing I needed to read right now????
I’m so happy it helped!! ?????
Thanks for taking the time to comment Stephanie and thank you for being a part of this tribe. Xox
A quick messgae to say thank you very much for the post. It has helped me more than anything else to start to get out of the misery I set myself up for, after a toxic 3 year relationship ended recently.
Like a lot of us have already said, even though my ex treated me badly, especially towards the end, I still have feelings for him even now. It feels like the future I planned has been taken away and I need to start everything from scratch…BUT I’m starting to realise that it is pointless to waste anymore time obsessing over it. The thing that helped most was realising that the man I loved and wanted a future with is ‘dead and gone’. Yes, he’s still there on social media but I can see it clearly for what it is. Having seen the real him for the last few years, I know that it is only a tiny part of the story, not the whole story…and all that glitters definitely is not gold! I’m trying to remember that as I move on…he might have left me but that doesn’t mean I’m going to come out worse for it.
Thank you xo
Melissa,
I am so happy and honored to have helped/help in any way. Thank you for taking the time/having the courage to share (and by doing so, helping so many others feel less alone. Thank you for also being such an inspirational example of how the truth (and not taking ownership of other people’s behavior) really does set us free.
All my love to you, soul sister. Xxx
Wow I can’t believe you read my mind like this and actually made me feel better… seriously thank you!
So happy it helped!! Thanks for being a part of this tribe Julien and for taking the time to share 🙂
Omg! Loved this article…it contains many points that I’ve never seen anywhere else…I would have never thought this way if it wasn’t for you….none of the other articles I saw on internet made sense…I don’t feel inferior to the one I’m stalking anymore…and I hope that’ll make a difference….I’m glad I came across this….thank you so much….!! I’m so glad you are doing this for people!! You are a real pro…I think you were put through all that pain so that you could help your fellow humans….😟🙌🙌❤️
From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Jewel. I live to give what I wish I would have had. So happy that the post helped!
Thank you for taking the time to comment and thank you for being a part of this tribe. You are loved, appreciated, understood, valued, backed, believed in, supported, and never, EVER alone.
All my love to you, soul sister. xox
Your blogs are so encouraging and give such visuals. My girlfriends couldn’t be this direct and when I get down and miss my ex cheating husband … I read your words and are filled up with strength and self esteem.
Bless you – you are an incredible writer and inspiration.
Love you!
I love you too, Donna! So happy that the posts have helped <3 It's what I live for.
Thank you for being you and for being a part of this tribe. You are never alone. Xox
What’s a bit funny is that the tips at the top of this page (the ones which are encouraged against) now appear as the top search on Google.
Yes, I believe I said just that in the post xx