What Is Limerence? The Obsession You Mistook for Love

You’re not in love.

I know that’s hard to hear. I know everything in you wants to argue with me right now.

But I need you to sit with that statement for a second.

What you’re feeling — that all-consuming, can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, check-their-social-media-forty-times-a-day obsession — is not love. It’s not passion. It’s not a sign that you’ve found your soulmate.

It’s called limerence.

And it has been running your life.

What the Hell Is Limerence?

Limerence is an involuntary state of obsessive emotional fixation on another person.

The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov back in 1979. But honestly? I don’t give a damn about the clinical history. What I care about is that you finally have a name for the thing that has been making you feel like you’re losing your mind.

Because that’s what this is. It’s not “being in love.” It’s not “caring too much.” It’s not proof that this person is your destiny.

It’s addiction.

Plain and simple.

And until you can call it what it is, you will never be able to break free from it.

What It Actually Looks Like

Let me paint you a picture. Tell me if any of this sounds familiar.

You think about them constantly. Not in a sweet, daydreaming kind of way. In an intrusive, won’t-shut-the-fuck-off, takes-over-your-entire-brain kind of way.

You wake up thinking about them. You go to sleep thinking about them. You can’t focus at work. You can’t be present with your friends. You zone out in conversations because your mind keeps drifting back to them.

Your entire existence has been hijacked by someone who probably isn’t even thinking about you right now.

You overanalyze everything. A text with a period instead of an exclamation point sends you into a spiral. A delayed response has you convinced it’s over. You’ve screenshot their messages and sent them to your friends for interpretation like you’re trying to decode a fucking cipher.

Your mood depends entirely on their behavior. They text you good morning? Best day ever. They don’t text back for three hours? You’re in the fetal position, convinced you did something wrong.

You’ve handed them the remote control to your emotional weather. And they don’t even know they’re holding it.

You idealize them to an insane degree. You’ve turned this person into someone they’re not. You see the potential. You see the “good parts.” You see who they were in the beginning.

You defend them to people who love you and can clearly see what you refuse to see.

And the worst part?

You know it’s unhealthy.

You’ve told yourself a hundred times to walk away. You’ve written out the red flags. You’ve deleted their number only to find it again. You’ve promised yourself “this is the last time.”

And yet — here you are.

That’s limerence.

This Is NOT Love (And You Know It)

I need to be very clear here because this is where people get stuck.

Love is calm. Limerence is chaos.

Love builds you up. Limerence depletes you.

Love is mutual. Limerence is almost always one-sided — even when they’re technically “there.”

Love doesn’t require you to shrink yourself, abandon your boundaries, or become a person you don’t recognize just to keep someone interested.

Limerence demands all three.

I spent years of my life confusing the two. I thought the intensity meant something. I thought the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about someone was proof that we were meant to be together.

I thought the anxiety was passion.

I thought the highs and lows were a soulmate connection.

They weren’t.

It was just my nervous system on fire, mistaking chaos for chemistry.

And the person I was so convinced was “the one”? He wasn’t special. He wasn’t irreplaceable. He was just inconsistent enough to keep my brain hooked on the uncertainty.

That’s the dirty truth about limerence.

It’s not about them.

It’s about the pattern.

If you’ve been struggling to tell the difference between real love and this obsessive pull, I wrote about limerence vs love in detail. But here’s the short version:

If it feels like you’re dying without them, that’s not love.

That’s withdrawal.

Why Limerence Feels So Intense

Let me explain what’s actually happening in your brain. Because understanding this is what finally set me free.

Limerence operates on the same neurological pathways as drug addiction.

Dopamine. Cortisol. Adrenaline.

Your system is being flooded with chemicals that were designed to help you survive — not to help you obsess over someone who left you on read.

And here’s the part that’s going to piss you off:

The less certain you are about someone’s feelings, the more dopamine your brain releases when you finally get a crumb of their attention.

Read that again.

The uncertainty IS the drug.

The Slot Machine in Your Brain

This is called intermittent reinforcement. It’s the same psychology that makes slot machines so addictive.

You don’t know when you’re going to win. So you keep pulling the lever.

You don’t know when they’re going to text back. So you keep checking your phone.

You don’t know if they really care about you. So you keep analyzing, hoping, waiting for a sign.

The inconsistency isn’t a bug in this relationship. It’s a feature.

Your brain has been hijacked by someone who — consciously or not — gives you just enough to keep you hooked, but never enough to feel secure.

And because you’ve been emotionally starving for so long, those crumbs start to feel like a feast.

This is also why emotionally unavailable men are so addictive. Their hot-and-cold behavior is the perfect limerence trigger.

You’re not actually bonded to them as a person.

You’re bonded to the uncertainty they provide.

And that’s a very different thing.

The Signs You’re Limerent

I’m going to give you a list. And I need you to be brutally honest with yourself as you read it.

No defending. No excusing. No “but our situation is different.”

Just honesty.

You’re experiencing limerence if:

You think about them constantly — even when you don’t want to.

You overanalyze every text, every word, every silence, every emoji.

You feel physically sick when they pull away.

You’ve idealized them into someone they’ve never actually been.

You’re terrified of rejection — but you stay anyway.

Their validation determines your entire mood for the day.

You’ve abandoned parts of yourself to keep them interested.

You confuse anxiety for chemistry.

You KNOW it’s unhealthy — but you can’t stop.

You’ve made them your emotional project.

You feel “chosen” when they’re present — invisible when they’re not.

You’re addicted to the crumbs, not the actual connection.

If you checked off more than half of these, I need you to hear something.

You are not in love.

You are experiencing a trauma response disguised as romance.

And there’s a way out of this.

Why YOU Keep Falling Into This

Limerence doesn’t happen to everyone.

It doesn’t strike at random.

If you’re reading this article, there’s a reason you found it. There’s a reason this pattern keeps repeating in your life. And it has nothing to do with being “too emotional” or “loving too hard” or any of the other bullshit people have told you.

It has everything to do with what you learned about love when you were too young to know any different.

The Wound You Keep Reopening

At some point in your childhood, someone — a parent, a caregiver, someone you loved and relied on — taught you that love was something you had to earn.

Maybe their affection was inconsistent. Sometimes you got it, sometimes you didn’t, and you never knew which version you were going to get.

Maybe love was conditional. You had to perform. You had to be good. You had to be perfect. You had to not cause any problems.

Maybe they were physically present but emotionally absent. And you spent your childhood trying to reach someone who was right there but somehow never really there at all.

And because you were a child, you didn’t have the tools to understand that their inability to show up had nothing to do with your worth.

You just knew that sometimes you got love.

And sometimes you didn’t.

So you started performing. You started shapeshifting. You started trying to figure out the magic formula that would finally make you “good enough” to receive consistent love.

You never found it.

Because it didn’t exist.

And now you’re an adult who is wired to chase the exact same dynamic.

You don’t fall for people who are available.

You fall for people who make you work for it.

Because that’s what love felt like growing up.

Consistency feels boring.

Uncertainty feels like home.

And crumbs feel like a feast — because you’ve been starving your entire life.

If this is hitting close to home, I want you to read this: Am I emotionally unavailable?

Because here’s the thing no one tells you.

You keep attracting emotionally unavailable people because on some level, you are emotionally unavailable too.

Not to them.

To yourself.

The Limerence Cycle (And Why You Can’t Break It)

Limerence isn’t a static state. It moves in a cycle — a loop that keeps you stuck and spinning.

Understanding this cycle is the first step to breaking it.

Phase 1: Intrusive Thinking

You can’t get them out of your head. Every thought leads back to them. You’re not living your own life anymore — you’re just existing in the spaces between thinking about them.

It feels like you have no control. Because you don’t.

Phase 2: The Hope and Despair Loop

One moment, you’re convinced it’s going to work out. They texted! They called! They looked at you a certain way!

Then — nothing. Silence. Distance. Coldness.

And you crash. Hard.

This loop repeats endlessly. Hope. Despair. Hope. Despair.

It’s exhausting. And it’s exactly what keeps you hooked.

Phase 3: Fantasy Escalation

You start building a future in your head that doesn’t exist.

You imagine conversations you haven’t had. You plan for a relationship that isn’t real. You create a version of them in your mind that has very little to do with who they actually are.

The fantasy becomes more vivid than reality.

And way more appealing.

Phase 4: Emotional Dependency

At this point, you’ve outsourced your entire sense of self to this person.

Your mood? Depends on them.

Your confidence? Depends on them.

Your identity? Basically depends on whether or not they reach out.

You’ve handed them the keys to your emotional kingdom.

And they don’t even know they have them.

Phase 5: Withdrawal

When they pull away — and they will — you go into physical and emotional withdrawal.

Chest pain. Nausea. Insomnia. Obsessive thoughts that won’t stop.

It feels like dying.

Because to your nervous system, it is.

And then — if they throw you another crumb — the whole cycle starts again.

This is why no contact isn’t just helpful.

It’s essential.

You cannot break the limerence cycle while you’re still feeding it.

Limerence and Toxic People

Here’s something I need you to understand.

Toxic people are limerence machines.

They don’t create it by accident. The love bombing. The withdrawal. The breadcrumbs. The hot-and-cold behavior.

It’s designed — consciously or not — to keep you hooked.

The Overlap No One Talks About

Think about what happened in your relationship.

In the beginning, they made you feel like the most special person on the planet. They mirrored you. They future-faked. They said everything you’d ever wanted to hear.

You’ve never felt so seen. So chosen. So high.

And then they pulled away.

Not completely. Just enough to make you panic. Just enough to make you work harder. Just enough to make you desperate for another hit of the person they were at the start.

Here’s what I need you to understand:

That person never existed.

It was a performance.

And now you’re addicted to the ghost of someone who was never real.

This is where limerence and trauma bonding overlap. You’re not just heartbroken. You’re not just “having a hard time moving on.”

You are chemically attached to a cycle of emotional abuse.

And the only way out is to stop feeding the cycle.

HARD TRUTH: What You’re Really Addicted To

I’m going to say something that might be hard to hear.

You’re not addicted to them.

You’re addicted to the HOPE of them.

You’re addicted to the idea that if you just stay a little longer, try a little harder, love a little better — they’ll finally become the person they were in the beginning.

They won’t.

Because that person was a mirage.

What you’re really addicted to is the feeling of being CHOSEN.

You want someone who withheld love to finally give it.

You want someone who made you feel not enough to finally see your worth.

You want to WIN.

And that desire — to win, to be chosen, to finally be enough — has nothing to do with them.

It has everything to do with the wound in you that existed long before they showed up.

They just activated it.

How to Actually Get Over Limerence

I’m not going to give you some fluffy, “just love yourself” advice.

That shit doesn’t work when your nervous system is in survival mode.

Here’s what actually works.

Name it.

You cannot heal what you will not acknowledge.

Say it out loud: “I am experiencing limerence. This is not love. This is an emotional addiction.”

Naming it removes its power. It separates YOU from the obsession.

You are not your limerence.

You are the person who is going to overcome it.

Cut the supply.

Every text. Every check. Every “just looking at their story.”

That’s another hit.

You’re not “staying connected.” You’re relapsing.

No contact isn’t about punishing them. It’s about saving yourself.

Block if you have to. Mute if you must. But stop feeding the loop.

If you need guidance on how to actually do this, I wrote the definitive guide on the no contact rule.

Starve the fantasy.

Your brain wants to romanticize the highlights. Don’t let it.

Write down every red flag. Every time they made you feel small. Every lie. Every inconsistency. Every moment you felt like you weren’t enough.

Read that list every single time you’re tempted to reach out.

You’re not in love with them.

You’re in love with a version of them that doesn’t exist.

Feel the withdrawal without acting on it.

This is the hardest part.

It’s going to hurt. You’re going to want to reach out. Your brain is going to tell you that “just one text” will make it better.

It won’t.

It will reset everything.

The discomfort you’re feeling is not proof you need them.

It’s proof you’re healing.

Set a timer. Tell yourself you won’t contact them for the next hour. And then do it again. And again.

Every time you resist, you get stronger.

Reconnect to yourself.

You’ve been so consumed by them that you forgot YOU exist.

What did you care about before them? What were your goals? What did you want for your life?

Your identity is not “the person who loves them.”

It never was.

What Limerence Is Really Telling You

Limerence isn’t just an inconvenience. It’s not just a “phase” you’re going through.

It’s a message.

It’s telling you that somewhere along the way, you learned that your worth was contingent on someone else choosing you.

It’s telling you that you’ve been outsourcing your validation to people who never earned the right to hold it.

It’s telling you that there’s a wound in you that keeps attracting the same dynamic — over and over again — hoping for a different result.

And here’s what I need you to understand about that wound:

It will never be healed by someone else finally choosing you.

It can only be healed by you choosing yourself.

Your ex — or whoever you’re limerent for — is not the medicine.

They’re the mirror.

They’re reflecting back every single place where you don’t believe you’re enough.

And until you address that, you will keep chasing ghosts.

The Life Waiting on the Other Side

You are not broken.

You are not crazy.

You are not “too much.”

You are someone who learned to love in chaos.

And now calm feels like rejection.

Consistency feels boring.

And crumbs feel like a feast.

This is not a character flaw. It’s a trauma response. And it can be unlearned.

It takes time. It takes awareness. It takes the willingness to feel the withdrawal without acting on it.

It takes choosing yourself over and over again — even when every cell in your body is screaming at you to go back.

But you can do it.

I know you can.

Because I did.

I was the queen of limerence. I spent years of my life obsessed with men who couldn’t meet me halfway. Men who treated me like an option. Men who made me feel like I had to perform for their love.

I was convinced that if I just loved them hard enough, they’d change.

They didn’t.

What saved me wasn’t them finally “seeing” me.

What saved me was realizing that I had never really seen myself.

The moment I stopped waiting for someone else to validate my worth — and started validating it myself — everything changed.

The obsession faded.

The anxiety lifted.

The desperate need to be chosen was replaced by something I had never felt before:

Peace.

And that’s what’s waiting for you on the other side of this.

You don’t need them to choose you.

You need to choose yourself.

Limerence ends the moment you stop making someone else the source of your worth.

It ends when you realize that you were never in love with them.

You were in love with the idea of finally being enough.

And you already are.

You don’t need their text to prove it.

You don’t need their attention to confirm it.

You don’t need them to come back so you can finally feel whole.

You ARE whole.

Right now.

Today.

Exactly as you are.

The obsession you’ve been calling love?

It was never about them.

It was always about you.

And the parts of yourself you haven’t yet learned to love.

Start there.

Your Next Step: Break Free From Limerence For Good

If you want the full strategy:

My book Win Your Breakup: How To Be The One That Got Away will give you the clarity and strategy to leave and never look back.

If you want the full strategy:

If you need further and more specific help with limerence, obsessive thoughts, and breaking the cycle that keeps you stuck in toxic relationships; if you’re ready to stop spiraling and finally get your power back, personalized coaching with Natasha Adamo is the answer. Book your one-on-one session today.

My Coaching App:

Join the Natasha Adamo Coaching App for courses on recognizing narcissistic abuse, healing trauma bonds, and preventing future narcissistic relationships.

COACHING. COMMUNITY. COURSES.

Available To You Anytime And Anywhere.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is limerence a mental illness?

No. Limerence is not a diagnosable mental illness — it’s an involuntary emotional state. But I’m not going to lie to you. It can feel like one. It hijacks your thoughts, your mood, your entire nervous system. You’re not “crazy” for experiencing it. You’re human. And your brain got hooked on the wrong thing.

How long does limerence last?

Without intervention? Months. Years. Sometimes decades. Limerence doesn’t have an expiration date — especially if you keep feeding it with contact, social media stalking, or waiting around for them to “come around.” It ends when YOU end it. Not before.

Can limerence turn into real love?

Rarely. Limerence thrives on uncertainty. Love requires safety. If the relationship somehow stabilizes and becomes genuinely mutual, the limerence often fades — and what’s left is either real love or nothing at all. Most of the time, limerence exists precisely because the relationship CAN’T become real.

Can you be limerent for someone who loves you back?

Technically yes — but it’s rare. And if it’s happening, it usually means the relationship is still unstable in some way. If someone truly loves you back, consistently, without games or hot-and-cold behavior — the limerence fades. You’re not anxious anymore. You’re not obsessing. You’re just there. Together. Limerence needs inconsistency to survive. Love doesn’t.

Why do I only feel limerence for unavailable people?

Because availability doesn’t trigger your wound. You learned early on that love equals earning. So when someone just gives it to you freely, it doesn’t register. It feels fake. Boring. “Too easy.” You’re not broken for feeling this way. But you ARE repeating a pattern that’s keeping you stuck in relationships that will never give you what you need.

Is limerence the same as trauma bonding?

They overlap — a lot. Trauma bonding is the attachment that forms from cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement. Limerence is the obsessive emotional state that often comes WITH that bond. Think of limerence as the feeling. Trauma bonding is the glue. With toxic relationships, you usually have both.

What’s the fastest way to get over limerence?

No contact. Not “low contact.” Not “just checking their story once a day.” Full, non-negotiable no contact. You’re not punishing them — you’re protecting yourself. Every time you engage, every time you check, every time you reach out “just to see” — you reset the clock on your healing.

Can therapy help with limerence?

Yes — especially if you work with someone who understands attachment, emotional addiction, and relational trauma. But therapy isn’t magic. It works when YOU do the work. You still have to stop feeding the obsession. No therapist can do that for you. They can help you understand why you’re stuck. But you’re the one who has to choose to get unstuck.

Will I ever feel normal again?

Yes. Not overnight. But yes. The thoughts will become less frequent, less intense, and eventually just… neutral. You’ll be able to hear their name without your heart racing. You’ll be able to think about the past without spiraling. You’ll get your life back. But only if you commit to breaking the cycle instead of feeding it.

How do I know if it’s limerence or just love?

Ask yourself this: Does this relationship make me feel secure or anxious? Am I building a life or putting mine on hold? Do I feel like myself or like I’m constantly performing? Love feels like home. Limerence feels like a hostage situation. If you’re not sure, you already have your answer.