Figuring out why men pull away is so much easier if deep down, you know that you’ve been in denial.
I used to be more scared of being physically alone than I was scared of ending up with someone who made me feel more alone than my self-hatred did.
And because I approached dating with a “grateful for any crumb” mentality, I continued to bet on potential instead of act on red flags.
I would convince myself that he was amazing; that I was in this great relationship and that we had this once-in-a-lifetime connection (despite my intuition knowing better). My fear of being alone made me turn a blind eye to lies, inconsistencies, cheating, and broken promises. Even gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse were tolerated and excused.
This fear also made very avoidant. Especially when it came to the devaluing and gaslighting that I was doing to myself. All I knew how to do in relationships was settle, tolerate, and give at the expense of my dignity.
By continuing to act from a place of:
- Fear
- Insecurity
- Anger
- Frustration
- Desperation
It was impossible for me to have any kind of care for my mental health. Soon, I lost all respect for myself. And when you don’t have any self-respect, what’s the point in prioritizing mental health that you don’t ever think you’ll be good enough to attain? (the same can be said for physical health).
I would then wonder why he was pulling away when I had done nothing but give everything.
My dating life became a humiliating nightmare and I was always the victim. This victim mentality fueled more bad decisions that always ended in investigatory obsession instead of Happily Ever After.
As far as wanting to know why men pull away, there were other instances that now, looking back, were a no brainer.
I would finally meet a good guy who was the complete opposite of the ones above. But because I still had unresolved issues with abandonment, trust, and crippling insecurity… I would sabotage the relationship.
Everything brought a reaction out of me. I wanted control over everyone and everything because I had no control over how worthless I felt.
These instances above are not what I am referring to in this post.
This post is about figuring out why men pull away when you both have a great, seemingly healthy, and progressively serious thing going.
You can’t get enough of each other. The vibe is good and there aren’t any red flags that you’ve noticed so far.
And then one day… it’s no longer the same.
He’s turned cold. It feels like he’s miles away even when he’s right next to you.
His energy has shifted for no reason at all and you start to panic.
Why does this happen?
Why do men pull away when things are going great and just starting to get serious?
Read this slowly and remember it. Write it down if you need to…
Nothing ignites obsession, self-sabotage, and self-blame more than getting rejected when your self-esteem is nonexistent.
You become obsessed with getting answers.
Every article online says:
“Maybe he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship.”
“He might be a player.”
“He’s cheating!”
“He’s stressed out about something.”
“You fell in love too easily.”
“There are communication issues.”
“He might be gay.”
“You were needy and he felt suffocated.”
But you know that none of this applies and you haven’t seen any red flags so far. It’s impossible to think that him pulling away has nothing to do with you but you’ve been playing it so cool. This time was so much different than all the others.
How can this be happening?
He doesn’t respond to your texts and calls as quickly as he used to. It would almost be easier if he was being directly disrespectful because this passive ambiguity is killing you. The change in his energy hurts more than blatant disrespect ever could and you can’t help but assume that you did something to cause this.
Bottom line: *even if* you did something to cause him to pull away, the fact that you were that close, had that good of a thing going, and he’s pulling away without giving you one shred of communication…
This is a huge red flag and a massive turn off.
It’s selfish, it’s emotionally unintelligent, and if there’s that much of a handbrake when it comes to communication… a mutual, reciprocal, and mature relationship will never be a possibility.
Yes, you may have done something to cause him to pause, but the decision to not communicate is on him. (this applies to women as well. I have definitely behaved like this in the past and hurt really good people).
Here are the two main reasons why men pull away when everything seems to be going well…
1. This isn’t about playing the field or dating multiple people while he’s dating you. It’s about still being hung up on someone else and not realizing it until he got involved with you.
As far as why men pull away, a lot of the time it’s because while his feelings for you are growing, his heart is conflicted. I have definitely been there and it was never about doing anything calculated and malicious. It was a mixture of avoidance, a lack of self-awareness, and also, making a genuine effort to healthily move on.
Unfortunately, sometimes it takes getting involved with someone else to realize how conflicted and unresolved our feelings really are.
This may be with an ex or with someone he was dating before you. It’s a tough situation and I’m not exonerating anyone here – just trying to shed light on something that I have been on both the giving and the receiving end of.
Whenever I did this in the past, it was never because I didn’t like the guy I was with. I really did like and respect him and I really did NOT want to play games. But when I realized how hung up I still was, I would disrespect him by backing off (or even ghosting) instead of communicating.
Why?
I was emotionally immature, scared, ashamed, and avoidant. I didn’t like who I was. The thought of losing him and hurting him the way I had been hurt in the past was too much to face.
I was also, extremely selfish.
I wanted to pull back a bit while I figured my feelings out. I couldn’t deal with losing him but I also couldn’t deal with it getting any more serious. And all the while, I wasn’t communicating any of this to someone who was not only deserving of the truth but that I genuinely cared about.
No matter how much I cared and how in limbo I was though, all I had to offer were crumbs. I was a total contradictory joke.
2. Another reason why men pull away: control.
He pulls away just when things are starting to get more serious because he knows that this is how he can get more control.
He wants to know that he has all of you (because he’s so insecure and is most likely, working out childhood trauma that we all have) but can’t give you all of him (because he knows that he’d have to commit and do things that are not within his emotional range). So, whenever you want to calmly talk or respectfully hint about the relationship progressing, he overreacts and recoils.
When he does that, you react and then unjustly blame yourself. You are triggered by a painful history that is now repeating itself.
You then work twice as hard to prove that you are understanding of his concerns and wanting to “take it slow.” His last relationship traumatized him, his Grandmother just died, he just got fired, his dog has anxiety or whatever the reason may be, there you are accommodating at the expense of yourself and your sanity, every time. The problem with this is that he gets all of the benefits of you being a committed girlfriend (because you’re working so hard to prove yourself) without any commitment on his end.
Again, a lot of this can happen subconsciously and there is no use explaining it to a man (or woman) who is that triggered, lame, emotionally stunted, and incapable of introspection.
Sometimes, him pulling away is the first red flag that you’re exposed to. But just because it’s the first, that doesn’t make the shade of red any lighter or easier to look past.
At the very least, you deserve someone who has enough respect for themselves (and for you) to explain why they need to take a step back.
If they can’t, they are giving you a gift. They’re literally proving to you that they do not have the emotional intelligence to be in the kind of relationship you deserve.
x Natasha
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
Great post, Natasha.
I have one question… I’ve read so many articles that say that men need to pull away at some point even if they want to commit, and that they eventually come back and that the woman must respect that need for space and distance etc. Me i’ve never seen this happen in a commitment friendly guy. Can this ever really been the case?
Xx
Hi ? So glad you liked the post. I can’t speak in absolutes for anyone or anything. I’m sure it can be the case but it’s very dependent on the type of person, situation and relationship so it’s hard for me to answer ??
Reading this post was like reading my mind. But it has me scared. I finally found the man i want to marry, but because of a deadline he told me he was exhausted and needed alone time. I have no problem with that, i just have a hard time believing it and i am also disappointed in the way he announced that. I have stress too, but he never asks how i am. But it’s hard to tell if it was due to that deadline or because of his asperger’s maybe, which he also has. Radio silence now since the deadline three days ago. I try to keep myself sane by telling myself i deserve way better and will find it if this doesn’t work out, but i am already scared about the next guy, the next drama, i am turning 32 and i am dead tired of all of the games… I am even considering staying single if this doesn’t work out. So i feel like my life is sort of hanging by a thread. No children… no husband. Ugh maybe i need to talk to other men while my bf is ignoring me.
Natasha,
As always you have a way of writing what most of us cannot put into words. I always feel so much calmer after I come to this blog.
I left my job and him after he used me, ignored me, then got married. A YEAR ago. I’m so much more at peace, but literally a year later I still can’t
figure it out. I’d never want him now in any form, so not sure why I still think about him and wonder what happened. Perhaps because I still blame myself.
I wish the VERY first time he pulled back I would have just realized what an absolute scum bag he is, and saved myself the tears, years, and pain to come. For anyone experiencing this, then immediately googling to figure out why he or she is doing this – RUN! Literally just stop and turn around and head in the opposite direction of this person. Whatever “it” is, just end “it”. It never gets better. This kind of person will never turn out to be what you need, and this relationship will always have an element of just pure sh*t to it.
Sending you love Natasha from the other coast. Can’t wait to read your book 🙂
xox Christine
Hi Christine!
Thank you so much for sharing ???? I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this all. I’ve been there. Feeling the way you do, even after more than a year, is normal. You made it through and learned so much. It doesn’t sound like he will ever change. I’m so happy that the post and this blog have helped in any way ? Can’t wait for you to read the book ? I’m working hard on it. Love you sister. You are never alone. Xx
Amazing post Natasha made so much sense ! I can see my younger self doing all those things you mentioned : doubting myself, trying too hard, being an emotional wreck from second guessing when communications slowed or stopped etc . It’s great to feel strong now ? I too always feel empowered when I read your articles. ??? Love you xxxxxx
Love you too Jules 🙂 Thanks for being you. xxx
You are amazing I loved this. One of the best articles I read this year. Thank you.
Right back at you, Julia 🙂
Thank YOU from the bottom of my heart – for your love and support; for being a part of this tribe, and for being YOU. xx
I really needed to read this today! I had been questioning myself and this post helped to re-center my thoughts. Thank you Natasha!
So happy it helped 🙂 Thanks Marianna! xox
This is a great post (and topic) Natasha.
I think when anyone noticeably throttles back on communication, it’s safe to assume it’s because of something going on with them. And when someone chooses to hide what’s making them uncomfortable, they’re revealing their uneasiness with vulnerability. Perhaps that’s because they (mistakenly) believe their self-worth is negatively affected by what’s making them uncomfortable. Examples abound, and include things like “I didn’t get that promotion, ergo I’m unworthy” or “my ex cheated, so there’s something wrong with me” or “men should work out their problems on their own, and if I can’t do that then I’m failing.”
There are also toxic examples of hidden problems, like addictions, criminal behavior or infidelity. They may even be hooked on the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship, and therefore unwilling to enter that phase where their partner begins to recognize the differences that always exist between two people.
The point is that the behavior is likely due to some form of loss aversion – usually the loss of their unrealistic self-image.
The health of our relationships correlates with the amount of mutual vulnerability. Our partners may hurt us, have different feelings or say things we don’t like. We have no power over that, and if we don’t have sufficiently robust boundaries then it is difficult to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable. And without that openness the relationship cannot progress, as you point out.
Brandon,
My dear friend, I love you and every one of your comments. Your comments illuminate and expand on my posts. This one, in particular, was the perfect segue for the post I am writing next. Thank you for being here. I know that I speak for everyone when I say how much you are appreciated and how much your perspective helps.
Thanks for being you. xo
Hi Natasha.
Thank you for this post. I was reading this and it hit me like a ton of bricks. This lone especially!
Nothing ignites obsession, self-sabotage, and self-blame more than getting rejected when your self-esteem is nonexistent.
I feel like some fog cleared for me. It is so true. The act of someone just pulling away and abandoning the other person ignites pain and so many other emotions. I am pretty sure that the person who flees has no idea what a bomb they set off as they are exiting the scene. It makes sense though because they lack the capacity as you said.
Thank you for shedding light on this for me. It helps me so much!
I love you and appreciate all you give to support and make navigating all of this so much easier.
Be well. ????
I really dont know what to say about this article.. I have been looking for something that summarizes how i feel and how i see things.. and this …this is just soo acurate..
Thank you for this post. It helps to know that its not just me out there..
Hi Bibiqna!
You are not alone <3 so happy that the post served you. Thank you for taking the time to comment and thank you for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you. xo
hi natasha,
stumbled upon this looking while looking at various relationship sites and curious at what you describe as the reasons for non-communicative behaviour as being linked to the partner alone.
i find relationships to be dynamic and the energy that resides in one can impact the other, sometimes quite a bit, without even a word being said.
Classic distancer and pursuer dynamics also can enter into the picture.
What you shared at the neff inning made sense to me based on my experiences: “Nothing ignites obsession, self-sabotage, and self-blame more than getting rejected when your self-esteem is nonexistent.”
This creates a energetic pattern that impacts a partner in a significant way. You speak of victimhood and it all makes sense until you move into what seems to be a massive assumption that is, for me, my own “red flag” that this person may not have the emotional maturity or ability to be vulnerable and really connect with me that I seek in a partner.
The assumption made is one of awareness, and this making a conscious decision. And as a result, “he is being selfish, and his withdrawal is emotionally unintelligent, and if there’s that much of a handbrake when it comes to communication… a mutual, reciprocal, and mature relationship will never be a possibility…”
How do you KNOW he is willfully and purposefully perpetrating? with “the decision to not communicate is on him?”
While the possibilities you describe are logical and sensible l, how are they the place to start? Maybe a place to start is exploring the “Yes, you may have done something to cause him to pause,..” and then checking in with the person who you respect, admire and adore before assuming they are a rotten scumbag or some other unsatisfying epithet?
Isn’t a place to start a conversation? “ Hey, I’m feeling scared and a bit vulnerable. I wonder if you’ve noticed any change in behaviour in me that scares or concerns you and what that might be.” could be a less threatening lead-in to a conversation like this. Is it not real and authentic with more potential for understanding and connection? I find assumption, accusations and criticism to be disconnecting and it’s own “red flag.”
Hi Travis!
I wish I had the time to respond to everything but I want to make it very clear that I have never been, nor will I ever be, about bashing men. I have many male clients around the world and although I write from the perspective of a woman, my work is applicable to anyone of any gender or orientation. I wasn’t saying that anyone was rotten. Yes, that makes sense but sometimes it’s impossible when you’re met with being ghosted or immaturity. Thanks so much for your input.
Hi Natasha,
THANK YOU! This post is everything and I feel like it keeps happening to me. Reason #1 was exactly what happened to the last guy I dated. I blamed myself and replayed every interaction to see where I went wrong. Feeling like I was just not good enough for him to stay. I’m currently going through it again with a different guy. He started off very affectionate and attentive the first couple of weeks. Now, I barely get a text from him and any promises of future plans have become non-existent. At this point I’m at a lost and have no idea what to do. It’s hard to not blame myself. I continue to go back to read this post and your other posts in hope to feel empowered and like myself once again.
Hi Kim!
So happy it helped! 🙂 Thank you for being a part of this tribe. You are loved, supported, backed, believed in, and never, ever alone. xox
Hi Natasha. This was just what I needed today. I’ve been seeing someone for about two months and he started acting distant a week ago. So, I just did my own thing and didn’t reach out. He then came back with one “Sorry I’ve been absent. How are you?” Message. I told him I was good other than having come down with the flu. We chatted for a few minutes, but he never reached out the next day to ask how I was feeling. This apology for being absent was just crumb throwing and I have boundaries. So, I went no contact on him. He’s since asked how I’m feeling, but it’s too little too late and I remain silent. I deserve far better than this. In the past I would have just played it cool. Now, I’m making the choice to respect and love myself by not allowing this behavior. Thanks again.
YES!!
Kelsey, this made my day 🙂
Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe. So happy for and proud of you. XOX
Hi Natasha
Thank you for writing this, it’s the perfect riposte to the received internet wisdom of, ‘give him space and welcome him back with open arms, which IMO simply plays to old, misogynistic gender models in which women are passive pleasers and men active decision makers who do the choosing. No he isn’t ‘recharging his masculine energies’, or any other such tosh; it is as you say, selfish, disrespectful and emotionally unintelligent. To which I would add weak and unkind.
It happened to me lately with a man I had been seeing for a month or two. I left it a week then called him out on his behaviour, to be met with denials and mild gaslighting. I stood my ground. He then admitted he’d had the wobbles, had imagined all sorts of things about what I wanted (without actually asking me) and had needed to ‘take some distance’ but didn’t think to communicate this and ‘it hadn’t even occurred to (him) to consider what impact this might have on (me.)’ Yep, that’s right – it hadn’t occurred to him to consider the feelings of the woman with whom he was sleeping. He is 42. I have refused to see him again.
You are entirely correct, there is no conundrum to be solved, it simply throws into sharp relief the person’s character – selfish, disrespectful, abysmal on the communication front and weak. That is the truth of it and dressing it up as anything else is a recipe for tears.
Thank you for framing it so beautifully!
Helenx
Helen,
Thank YOU for taking the time to not only share, but help so many others feel less alone and know that they too, can dignifiedly ACT on their limits being hit. I’m so happy that the post helped 🙂 This is what I live for and I’ll never stop.
You did the right thing <3
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for being all that you are. All my love to you. xox
Thank you for this artcle..
Is it wrong to nicely ask the guys whats been going on? Or say “Ive been notice some weirdness, and just wanted to see if everything is ok, or of there is anything the wrong?”
So happy that the post helped! Yes, I think that’s totally fine xox
I feel so relieved and grateful to have found your blog Natasha, thank you for all you do to help us. Learning that I am not alone, that it is not me, that it has always been him, definitely makes a big difference. Being in a relationship with a narcissistic, emotionally unavailable man for the past 10 months made me think that I was going crazy, a roller-coaster of emotions, always thinking that I was wrong, too needy, inmature, always chasing him, humiliating myself, allowing him to throw me crumbles, and still begging for them. The worst of all is that I was willing to leave the man that has given to me all for 20 years for this piece of s@#! that even thinks that has made me better and has helped me to open my eyes to better relationships, HA! I am in No contact phase now, it’s been 2 weeks, a little hard to keep because we are coworkers, although we are working from home we are one Skype away, but so far I’ve made it. Still feeling miserable at times, missing him, crying for believing in him and working on accepting that it was just an illusion. This blog is god sent, has helped me a lot.
Eugene,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing. I’m so happy that the posts have helped; it’s what I live for.
You got this, Eugene! Stay in no contact. Remember, just like you said… it’s the illusion.
All my love and gratitude to you, Eugene. xo
Hi Natasha, Your reason #1 for why men pull away is my situation exactly. We are both mature single parents and not game players but after 2 great months he pulled back. His ex wife found out about us and told him she wanted to get back together etc. He was open with me about this and said he was in a tailspin and essentially had nothing to give me right now while he took the time he needed to get his head on straight. I told him I was of course disappointed and bummed but that I empathized with where he was at. He reached out a few days later to check on how something went with my daughter and I responded upbeat and positive. Now it has been 2 weeks since I have heard anything. Do I stay the course of no contact? Or is that immature and unkind given that I know he is hurting?
There is another reason that I feel you left out…
I am a “grown assed man” and I am more deeply in love, with a wonderful woman, than I have been in my five decades of life. Se is amazing and we check every box of your signs of a healthy relationship. BUT… three months into the relationship I pulled back, it wasn’t conscious and it wasn’t intended to be hurtful but… I did it AND it hurt the woman I love most. So, why did I do it? Am I an idiot?
I will try to answer the second question first. I am not an idiot, I am human. I am communicative, honest, open, sensitive, giving, thoughtful and I know what I want and I know that we fit really well together. So, that leads me to answer my first question. Why did I do it?
The answer is has a few components but I will first take my blame before I try to explain my experience (right or wrong) of her part. I was fortunate to have grown up in a family which was unusually functional. My parents were each other’s best friends, they each had their own professional lives, some friends together and separate friends as well. They nurtured each other, cheered each others successes and held each other up when the other was weak. They were each other’s priority (as a child I loved and felt great love from each of them but sometimes wondered whether, if my sisters and I disappeared, they would even notice). So again, why did I pull back from the one woman I finally found it all with?
During my five decades I have had several long term relationships including a marriage but none of these were with woman that I knew in my heart I could ever experience the type of relationship I witnessed as a child. Not my parent’r relationship but my own version of that degree of dedication, communication and support. In each of those prior relationships I was proven correct – the women I had chosen were not as interested or capable as I was of seeing those possibilities. When I finally found THE ONE (I will call her IL) and realized that we were able to really make it all the way I got trapped in my own past experiences and feared that ‘everything good dies’. So, I unconsciously placed distance to protect myself. Rather than trusting my own heart which told me everything was exactly where I wanted it to be and I saw how it could grow into everything I wanted I freaked myself out and sought shelter from that from which I needn’t have protected myself. It was wrong, it was hurtful to her, it was self-sabotaging of exactly what I want.
Now, let me go to her part… she is the most honest woman I have ever known, singularly and that is a trait that is so important to me because I know we can talk and work through anything. BUT, prior to our meeting she had been in a 10-year relationship with a man who she had wanted to marry but he was ‘unsure’ or unwilling to marry her. They never lived together (after 10 years!) but were in a domestic partnership because it provided her insurance benefits. Early in the relationship I told her it made me uncomfortable that she hadn’t ended that domestic partnership and asked her to, I offered to get her benefits and showed her what the process to end the domestic partnership was. But she never took action to end it.
After my pulling back she felt an emotional distance and that man swooped in, showed up at her door crying and telling IL that he wanted her back, that he had changed and he got on his knees and proposed – ring in hand. She, in all her honesty, told me that she didn’t say yes to him but couldn’t get herself to say no either and that, therefore, we needed to pause so she could figure out what she was feeling.
So, my fear that the perfect could become something else and her inaction in closing herself off to the other guy were both culprits… which was the cause and which was the response I do not really know. What I do know is that sometimes all of our pasts cause insecurities and irrationality.
Now I have lost the woman I love most because I left an emotional opening and she has indulged herself in confusion and a willingness to believe the ex has changed.
I made a terrible mistake and I own it but clearly there was something in her unwillingness to end the domestic partnership that also fed my fears.
Josh,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share and contributing to this discussion. And thank you for being a part of this tribe. You are not alone.
Josh,
I’m seeing someone and we are about to hit 3 months next week. We’ve both been married and divorced three times each. Dumb!! But we connect and we share. We have been vulnerable around and tender to each other. His third ex wife sent him and the kids Christmas gifts. I expressed how it made me uncomfortable and then he pulled back. I basically said that I was feeling like I could not progress further with my feelings unless some hard boundaries were set with this ex, because to me, it seems inappropriate that she would do this a year and a half after their divorce. I said I need to feel emotionally safe and whatever relationship they still have doesn’t make me feel emotionally safe.
Those aren’t her kids. He is unable to understand why it makes me uncomfortable. So things have been weird since then.
I feel like if I continue on with him, without him setting a more clear boundary with her, in respect for he and I, that I’ll be setting a lower standard for myself and what I am and am not comfortable with. Maybe I should give it longer. We haven’t even said we love each other yet and given our very similar pasts, it probably won’t happen for some time.
Not sure what to do. Men are confusing to women. Can you give any insight into this? Maybe he still has feelings for her but he says he absolutely does not have feelings for her. That she reaches out to him, he never initiates the contact. But he doesn’t stop it either.
Another great article that I needed today. My ex partner (2.5 years together – 1 week split) is definitely number 2. We were about to buy a house together and I pushed for more Commitment too frequently. I think he ended as he felt things were spiralling out of his control and backed into a circle. I still want us and now appreciate how I was acting. I want nothing more than him to see that in due course and we correct that, slow to his pace. He thinks that is too much to ask me to compromise to do, but I don’t. We now haven’t spoken in the last week as I said need 3 weeks no contact. Do you think there is a way to correct this, if (and a big if as not spoken) we can recognise this and both agree to try? Or if they leave based on 2 is the door always going to be closed?
Lauren xx
Hi Lauren!
This is what I live for; I just want to give everything that I wish I had. Glad that the posts have helped and cannot WAIT for you to read my book!
It is humanely impossible for me to advise here in the comments (thank you for your understanding and your kindness) and tackle these questions without knowing more details. I will try to write more about this soon (you are not alone in these feelings and circumstances) and my one-on-one coaching will open back up soon.
My situation applies to #1. I was with him for 10 months. He helped me through my divorce and we did the real life thing with my kids for 10 months, and even longer than that because he was my friend for years before that!
Apparently he was in a secret relationship with a woman almost 20 years older than him for 5 years. He also dated another woman our age for about a year. So infidelity right there (even though his M.O. is the friend title because you marry your best friend). Anyway, he was with this older woman secretly and he and I kissed one night. He broke up with her over the phone (they’re semi long distance) the next day and pursued things with me. The 10 months were amazing. He was there for me and my boys. But my friends say that anyone can act for a couple of hours or a day or two. As we started to get more serious, I guess he started talking to the older woman. And he made a secret trip to go see her to get face to face closure. During that time he decided he loves her and wants to be with her! We broke up on a Tuesday and he had her in town to meet his parents that weekend. I cannot make sense of this. We are 38 and she is 56.
And I had no idea about her when we kissed. His own parents didn’t even know about her. He said he was ashamed of her age and that’s why he kept it a secret. But then I guess he realized while he was with me that he was still hung up on her?? I just don’t get it.
Thank you so much for this insight. I read it tearfully, as it applies to so many situations I’ve been in. I’m in a similar situation now and my question is, do I give him the opportunity to come clean about the distance by calling it out and asking him? Or do I simply reciprocate the energy I am receiving by also pulling away?
Hi Nicole!
It is humanely impossible for me to advise in the comments (thank you so much for your kindness and understanding); I would need to know many more details. I would always clearly communicate/ask once (give people a chance) and if you’re not met with honesty, integrity and clarity, I would walk away.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and thank you for being you. xo
Hi Natasha,
I was broken up with on Friday while I was at work, and have come across your blog after endless scrolling on the internet to try and find some answers.
We met in June, got together in July and have had what I thought was an amazing relationship over the last six months. He was ten years my senior, and made me happier than I have been in a very long time. Our relationship was amazing and I felt as though I had found my forever.
In hindsight I know there were a number of red flags which I chose to ignore, and these are the things I am trying to hold on to to help with the pain I am feeling at the moment. For example, he is 42 and has never been in a long term relationship, he seems to have commitment issues but early on he explained he wants to settle down and have children. I thought I could be the one to make that happen with him, and he gave me no reason to believe otherwise.
Around two weeks ago he caught covid so went into isolation for ten days. He suffers with anxiety and was really struggling, so I delivered him a care package, and we became closer than ever over that time. We spoke constantly and he opened up more than he ever has. When he came out of isolation he only wanted to see me. We had a long conversation on the Sunday afternoon and he told me he wanted to prioritise me more, wanted to make really positive changes and I left his house feeling really happy and positive.
Fast forward to Thursday and he suddenly seemed to pull away. His messages were less frequent and he seemed short. On Friday morning I questioned if everything was ok, and he explained over the phone that he didn’t see a future with me. He said covid has made him see things differently and he didn’t see a future with me. When I asked him why he became irritated and dismissive, so I put the phone down. He followed this up with a text later in the evening, to say he had enjoyed our time together but ultimately he didn’t see a future.
I didn’t respond and there has been no contact since. I am utterly heartbroken.
Reading the post above about the two reasons why men pull away, the thought of another person being involved makes me feel sick. All I want at the moment is for him to feel he has made a mistake and wants to make amends. If I thought he was directing his attention to someone else I would crumble. I want this aching to be over!
You are not alone, Sarah. I wish that I had the time to advise and comment to the extent that my heart wants to (thank you so much for your kindness and your understanding). Stay in No Contact and on your White Horse. I hope that the posts have been helpful.
If you are looking for more personalized, one-on-one help, I do offer coaching.
You are loved, supported, backed, believed in, and never, ever alone xox