Did you know that many breakups often coincide with major holidays? A study of Facebook relationship status updates found that most couples severed ties around Valentine’s Day and before Christmas.
WHY? I don’t think there’s any singular reason for this. Some people use the holidays to reevaluate their lives, their compatibility with their partner, their long-term goals, and their partner’s relationship with their family. Others feel a lot of pressure around the holidays – pressure to take their relationship to the next level, financial pressure, familial pressure, occupational pressure… you name it.
Regardless of the timing, it’s important to know how to get over a breakup. Breakups hurt every time and day of the year.
And just when you think you’re on your way to getting over it, the pain can return unexpectedly. But what happens when you’re living with a broken heart; trying to figure out how to get over your breakup during a truly unprecedented time? 2020 is unlike anything we have ever experienced. Many things that we would want to go do are not as accessible or even possible right now, depending on where you live in the world.
But no matter what, knowing how to deal with a breakup will teach you how to cope with the pain, give that pain a purpose, and prioritize yourself – once and for all.
How to Get Over a Breakup
You might be wondering, “How long does it take to get over a breakup?” There are a lot of theories and studies online with conflicting answers on this one.
It’s reasonable to think that a one-year relationship should take one year to get over, right? This might make sense, given that you’re bound to be reminded of each milestone and memory as the new year passes. Think birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries.
Not so fast though. The first step in truly overcoming a breakup is to ditch the timeline and be easy on yourself. Don’t be judgemental; treat yourself just as you would a best friend. Healing is not a linear process. Some days will inevitably be harder than others. I once dated someone for five months and it took two years to fully get over the breakup.
Of course, there are other factors in your relationship that could prolong the healing process, too — such as whether you were married, had children together, were living together, or had a toxic relationship.
The takeaway? Each relationship is different. Go easy on yourself here. Have some compassion for yourself, so that you can have less for toxic people.
There’s no one-size-fits-all timeline for how to get over someone. But, there are ways to make it easier.
Say “YES” more often and “NO” more often
This boils down to Boundaries.
Boundaries are not complicated. They are your own personal limits; your line in the sand in regard to how others treat you. You will never feel scared or guilty for acting on your boundaries being busted if you believe that you have value. And I am here to tell you that YOU HAVE VALUE.
You have every right to believe that you should be treated with humanity, decency, and respect – and UNWAVERINGLY STAND by that belief – as hard as it is to do post-breakup. Everything in life eventually comes to an end. When this passes (the pain of this breakup, the pandemic, etc.) your boundaries will make sure that you come out better, stronger, and indifferent to what/who no longer matters.
Boundaries are a recognition of value that is acted on. Standards are the qualities that need to be present in order for that value (the value that your boundaries protect and preserve) to be accessed.
Making your own choices without seeking approval or validation is one of the first steps to reclaiming your independence. It teaches you how to set boundaries, thus rebuilding your self-esteem.
It’s not just the year 2020
2020 is an unprecedented year. Probably the most (if not one of the most) difficult years you’ve ever lived through. And to be going through a breakup during THIS time and THIS year… it’s just not fair, I get it.
For this tribe/community of ours, 2020 doesn’t just signify the year.
This year GAVE US 20/20 vision.
It gave us the gift of seeing who’s a hypocrite and who’s honest; who’s in it for themselves and who we can count on; who’s toxic and who we need to spend more time with. This year has brought me closer to people I didn’t think I would ever get so close to. It has also, created distance between myself and others who I didn’t think that I could possibly get any closer to.
2020 gave us 20/20 vision with our exes and ourselves too. We can identify the parts of us that allowed the red flags to be ignored, the crumbs to be tolerated, and desperation to infiltrate as a result.
Purge your social media
It will take time for this pain to pass.
This means you may see hurtful things on your ex’s social media. They may even go out of their way to make themselves look happier online than they really are.
After all, isn’t this something you’re tempted to do, too? If they’re creeping on your socials, you want them to know you’re better off without them, right?
Not exactly. Recovering from a breakup is hard enough without the amateur hour games. Remember that this time is about reconnecting with yourself, not reaction-mongering.
Unfollowing, blocking, or removing your ex on social media will make it easier to abide by the “no-contact rule” for two reasons:
- It makes it harder to reach out to them (and vice versa).
- With every day that passes, you create PROGRESS. Soon, you will become more PROTECTIVE of that progress than you will be interested in scratching the mosquito bite of your triggers.
Not sure whether to block or just unfollow? If you’re prone to creeping on social media accounts even after you’ve unfollowed them, it may be best to block them. Always do what you’re comfortable with.
If your ex continues to disrespect your boundaries and harass you after the breakup, blocking their social media and contact information is the best way to go.
And if you can’t stop social media stalking, it’s okay – don’t stop. This is why most restrictive diets fail. I don’t have a problem with you not being able to stop the stalking, as long asyou are viewing your ex’s posts through the filter of HONESTY and REALITY – not shame, blame, insecurity, and delusion.
Keep a list, write a letter, and FLUSH
Contrary to popular belief, eating a pint of ice cream on the couch while crying and watching a Hallmark movie isn’t the only way there is to deal with the pain of a breakup.
You could write a “hate” letter to your ex — without sending it. Instead, you could burn the letter as a symbolic release of negative emotions.
Some post-breakup letter prompts might include:
- What did you never tell them you hated about them?
- Do they owe you an apology? If so, what for?
- How, exactly, did they make you feel?
- Did you keep any secrets from them?
- What does life look like without them?
- How are they going to be a launching pad for you?
- Are you doing anything they never wanted you to?
Also, write a list of everything they did that was disrespectful. Next to each bullet point, describe how their actions (or lack thereof) made you feel.
After you’ve burned your fair share of hate mail and lists, don’t forget to write about yourself, too. It doesn’t have to be long or prolific. Just keeping a brief daily record of how you’re feeling can help.
Months and years from now, you’ll look back on your writing in awe of how far you’ve come.
My absolute favorite thing to do is FLUSH. This may sound crazy, but it’s a lot healthier than picking up the phone to call your ex, drinking alcohol, abusing substances, or harming your reputation by embarrassing yourself.
A yoga teacher once told me, “when you can’t move your mind, move your body and the mind will follow.” The same goes for your emotional body.
When you’re emotionally constipated and cannot psychologically flush, you’ll look for a laxative in the form of reaching out to your ex – in an effort to try and flush the relationship – “once and for all.” Don’t do that! Instead, literally, FLUSHING helps more than I can put into words.
From this point on, every time you have to go to the bathroom…
Bring a marker with you and get a square of toilet paper. Write your ex’s name on the square of toilet paper and throw it in the toilet. Then, do your business over it and FLUSH!
Not only is this practice totally safe (and funny – laughter is the best medicine) but it is extremely gratifying and really does help. It also works wonderfully with fake friends, toxic family members, and coworkers.
Talk to someone that you can trust
Your relationship didn’t have to be toxic or abusive to warrant seeing a therapist, hiring a coach, or attending a digital seminar. Everyone needs a little extra help overcoming life’s challenges: a new job. A cross-country move. The death of a loved one.
Maybe your trust was betrayed. Maybe you were the betrayer, and you need help forgiving yourself, processing your emotions, and understanding the root causes of your behaviors.
A coach such as myself (my education is experiential, not scholastic), a counselor, or a mental health professional (I have the utmost respect for the professional community)… these are all great avenues. Having an objective, third-party listener who can see the situation from all angles and help you realize things you might not have considered before is very helpful. They’re not here to judge you or belittle you for your choices. Instead, they’re there to help you regain access to the tools on the toolbelt you were BORN with.
Use your support system and gain control
You have a support system in this incredible community. Comment on posts, ask for help when you need it, and know that you are not alone.
In a life where we don’t have control over much of anything, make sure you take total control over the three things that you can control in life: how much you move your body (if you are lucky enough to be able to), what you eat, and whether or not you give in to your triggers by allowing your emotions to dictate your actions.
Life goes on after a breakup
It may seem impossible to move on with your life after a broken heart. But knowing how to get over a breakup means accepting the pain and recognizing that it will get easier with time.
YOU are your first priority after a breakup. Following these steps will help you remember who the f*ck you are outside of your romantic relationships. They’ll teach you that everything you need can already be found from within yourself.
I hope that this finds you and your loved ones healthy and safe. Happy Holidays; I love and appreciate you all. And remember, we are family and always have each other.
x Natasha
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
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Hello Natasha.
This is a really great topic especially at the end of such a year that is anything but ordinary. It is so hard to move on after a break up. I think it is especially difficult if you love someone with your whole heart. If the break up is a surprise or if it was a long time coming, pain still accompanies the circumstances. I have had more break ups than I care to count. No matter what the time of year it still remains a difficult part of life. The holiday season makes it worse because holidays are painted as a time of joy but break ups can change that idea.
You are so correct in suggesting people have a support system and that they purge social media. I think those are key. Social media is painful without a breakup involved. It is the best thing though in addition to having a close friend or friends to lean on. Many is the time I did that but I have also been very alone. I would take a friend any day of the week instead of going cold turkey alone.
You point out that life goes on after a break up. It really does do that but I can honestly say that there were days I wanted the world to stop because the pain was so bad that I could not see putting one foot in front of the other. It is quite interesting to see what we can do when we have to. The thing is the heart and head do not heal at the same time as I learned. It’s frustrating but part of the experience I had. Healing is not linear ever. It is difficult for all and occurs in many stages,
The one thing that fir sure helps is having this place. It is a support system but also a place to learn. I know I would not have made it through the gut wrenching pain of my last heartbreak without you.
Thank you for this. I know others appreciate it as well.
I hope the New Year is wonderful for you and all the tribe.
Love you an d all you do.
💕🌸🦄😘
Thank you for the gift that you are, Linda. Not just to me but to us ALL.
I appreciate and love you endlessly. Every day, I am grateful for you, our friendship, and the incredible guest post that you wrote here on the blog.
You should be so incredibly proud of yourself. All my love you, sister. And to your beautiful Mom! Happy Holidays. xox
This is very helpful as I’m freshly dealing with a breakup just before the holidays. I felt like this article was written specifically for me as every word resonates with my what I am going through currently. This year has really given me 20/20 vision and I’m now charged to get over and move on from this pain no matter how long it takes. Many thanks Natasha. Great advice!
So happy it helped! Thank you, Levar. You are not alone in this.
YES – take the GIFT of your 20/20 vision and give all the love and compassion that you were giving to your ex, to YOURSELF. No more settling and tolerating your way through relationships. I love and appreciate you. Thanks for being a part of this tribe.
I hope that this finds you and your loved ones healthy and safe. Happy Holidays to you and your family. xox
Folks, First of all. Wishing y’all a very Merry Christmas. Secondly, Bear in the mind it could be hard on some certain people having children involving in dysfunctional family during those holidays. For what’s worth I copied and paste from ACA 12 Step Program. The Language of letting go. Lastly, Again. Wish y’all Happy Holidays! John.
Thursday, December 24, 2020
The Language of Letting Go-1*
Merry Christmas!
Getting Through the Holidays
For some, the sights, signs, and smells of the holidays bring joy and a warm feeling. But, while others are joyously diving into the season, some of us are dipping into conflict, guilt, and a sense of loss.
We read articles on how to enjoy the holidays, we read about the Christmas blues, but many of us still can’t figure out how to get through the holiday season. We may not know what a joyous holiday would look and feel like.
Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday, and what we feel we have to do. We may feel guilty because we don’t want to be with our families. We may feel a sense of loss because we don’t have the kind of family to be with that we want. Many of us, year after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all.
Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays.
Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended.
One of the greatest gifts of recovery is learning that we are not alone. There are probably as many of us in conflict during the holidays than there are those who feel at peace. We’re learning, through trial and error, how to take care of ourselves a little better each holiday season.
Our first recovery task during the holidays is to accept ourselves, our situation, and our feelings about our situation. We accept our guilt, anger, and sense of loss. It’s all okay.
There is no right or perfect way to handle the holidays. Our strength can be found in doing the best we can, one year at a time.
This holiday season, I will give myself permission to take care of myself.
Today I am willing to be increasingly aware of my spiritual life. –Ruth Fishel
I cannot thank you enough for this my dear friend.
John, you mean so much to me and this tribe. We all love and appreciate you immensely.
Hope that your family had a wonderful holiday season and a Happy New Year. Sending you, your daughters, and your Mother love from me and my Mom.
20/20 Vision commentary do seem to be what I’m going through this year. Especially reflect about everything. I’m somewhat optimistic and skeptical to what aftermath the pandemic and the change of life ahead for us? Seem like lot of unknowns yet to come into light. For those with broken spirit or broke-heart. Hang on folks. Heal is coming to you. It takes time. How long? Varies among us. Just like article stated above. Natasha. Thank for this “Christmas Gift” article.
Merry Christmas.
John.
Merry Christmas my friend. I am so glad that the post was valuable; it’s what I live for. Thank you for being here and for being you.
Hi Natasha, I’m hurting deeply. My ex and I were off and on for 2 years, and it was me who kept backing away because I saw red flags. (He’s a recovered alcoholic who has never been able to let go of resentments towards anyone who has wronged him and is also easily irritated and controlling….I know quite a catch, right?) But he did all the love bombing in the beginning of our relationship and anytime we had an argument he’d bring me gifts to try to smooth things over.
I’d begin to miss him and start to second guess myself so I’d always go back to him. We got back together this summer only to break up again. (And I can’t blame him for being tired of my confusion) He can be incredibly sweet but also has never been able to let go of resentments towards family and friends and as a result he is easily irritated with even little things. After we broke up I reached back out to him over Thanksgiving in friendship and he replied that he’s in a serious relationship and he cannot communicate with me any further even as a friend. I then found out he was cheating on me with this woman while we were together. I am devastated that he could be so happy with someone else so quickly. He blamed our breakup fully on me and didn’t acknowledge his cheating. I know I should be glad he’s out of my life but as more time passes my mind plays tricks on me and romanticizes him. I miss him terribly. I’m not remembering things as they actually were. And it kills me that his new girlfriend (who works in the psych field) can’t see through him yet. But I know he’s pouring it on so thick with her, with gifts and declaring love etc. He’s incredibly skilled in manipulation and control and I feel I’m still in a mind f*ck from everything. I can’t eat and barely sleeping. It’s been horrible. I know I sound like quite a mess. He’s having the time of his life and I’m grieving. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
Hi Lynn,
Thank you so much for your love and support; the courage to share, and for being a part of this tribe.
I am so sorry that you’re going through this and wish I was able to directly advise in the comments (thank you for being so kind and understanding). Every time emotional nostalgia kicks in, you need to remind yourself of exactly what he did and how he made you feel. Read this comment that you wrote again! This person is toxic to your mental health and has zero ability to self-reflect and empathize. You were NOT a launching pad and he is NOT a changed person in a better relationship. Please come back here to the blog and know that you are not alone. I wish I had the time to write more.
Thank you for being you. All my love to you, soul sister. xo