Did you know that many breakups often coincide with major holidays? A study of Facebook relationship status updates found that most couples severed ties around Valentine’s Day and before Christmas.
WHY? I don’t think there’s any singular reason for this. Some people use the holidays to reevaluate their lives, their compatibility with their partner, their long-term goals, and their partner’s relationship with their family. Others feel a lot of pressure around the holidays – pressure to take their relationship to the next level, financial pressure, familial pressure, occupational pressure… you name it.
Regardless of the timing, it’s important to know how to get over a breakup. Breakups hurt every time and day of the year.
And just when you think you’re on your way to getting over it, the pain can return unexpectedly. But what happens when you’re living with a broken heart; trying to figure out how to get over your breakup during a truly unprecedented time? 2020 is unlike anything we have ever experienced. Many things that we would want to go do are not as accessible or even possible right now, depending on where you live in the world.
But no matter what, knowing how to deal with a breakup will teach you how to cope with the pain, give that pain a purpose, and prioritize yourself – once and for all.
How to Get Over a Breakup
You might be wondering, “How long does it take to get over a breakup?” There are a lot of theories and studies online with conflicting answers on this one.
It’s reasonable to think that a one-year relationship should take one year to get over, right? This might make sense, given that you’re bound to be reminded of each milestone and memory as the new year passes. Think birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries.
Not so fast though. The first step in truly overcoming a breakup is to ditch the timeline and be easy on yourself. Don’t be judgemental; treat yourself just as you would a best friend. Healing is not a linear process. Some days will inevitably be harder than others. I once dated someone for five months and it took two years to fully get over the breakup.
Of course, there are other factors in your relationship that could prolong the healing process, too — such as whether you were married, had children together, were living together, or had a toxic relationship.
The takeaway? Each relationship is different. Go easy on yourself here. Have some compassion for yourself, so that you can have less for toxic people.
There’s no one-size-fits-all timeline for how to get over someone. But, there are ways to make it easier.
Say “YES” more often and “NO” more often
This boils down to Boundaries.
Boundaries are not complicated. They are your own personal limits; your line in the sand in regard to how others treat you. You will never feel scared or guilty for acting on your boundaries being busted if you believe that you have value. And I am here to tell you that YOU HAVE VALUE.
You have every right to believe that you should be treated with humanity, decency, and respect – and UNWAVERINGLY STAND by that belief – as hard as it is to do post-breakup. Everything in life eventually comes to an end. When this passes (the pain of this breakup, the pandemic, etc.) your boundaries will make sure that you come out better, stronger, and indifferent to what/who no longer matters.
Boundaries are a recognition of value that is acted on. Standards are the qualities that need to be present in order for that value (the value that your boundaries protect and preserve) to be accessed.
Making your own choices without seeking approval or validation is one of the first steps to reclaiming your independence. It teaches you how to set boundaries, thus rebuilding your self-esteem.
It’s not just the year 2020
2020 is an unprecedented year. Probably the most (if not one of the most) difficult years you’ve ever lived through. And to be going through a breakup during THIS time and THIS year… it’s just not fair, I get it.
For this tribe/community of ours, 2020 doesn’t just signify the year.
This year GAVE US 20/20 vision.
It gave us the gift of seeing who’s a hypocrite and who’s honest; who’s in it for themselves and who we can count on; who’s toxic and who we need to spend more time with. This year has brought me closer to people I didn’t think I would ever get so close to. It has also, created distance between myself and others who I didn’t think that I could possibly get any closer to.
2020 gave us 20/20 vision with our exes and ourselves too. We can identify the parts of us that allowed the red flags to be ignored, the crumbs to be tolerated, and desperation to infiltrate as a result.
Purge your social media
It will take time for this pain to pass.
This means you may see hurtful things on your ex’s social media. They may even go out of their way to make themselves look happier online than they really are.
After all, isn’t this something you’re tempted to do, too? If they’re creeping on your socials, you want them to know you’re better off without them, right?
Not exactly. Recovering from a breakup is hard enough without the amateur hour games. Remember that this time is about reconnecting with yourself, not reaction-mongering.
Unfollowing, blocking, or removing your ex on social media will make it easier to abide by the “no-contact rule” for two reasons:
- It makes it harder to reach out to them (and vice versa).
- With every day that passes, you create PROGRESS. Soon, you will become more PROTECTIVE of that progress than you will be interested in scratching the mosquito bite of your triggers.
Not sure whether to block or just unfollow? If you’re prone to creeping on social media accounts even after you’ve unfollowed them, it may be best to block them. Always do what you’re comfortable with.
If your ex continues to disrespect your boundaries and harass you after the breakup, blocking their social media and contact information is the best way to go.
And if you can’t stop social media stalking, it’s okay – don’t stop. This is why most restrictive diets fail. I don’t have a problem with you not being able to stop the stalking, as long as you are viewing your ex’s posts through the filter of HONESTY and REALITY – not shame, blame, insecurity, and delusion.
Keep a list, write a letter, and FLUSH
Contrary to popular belief, eating a pint of ice cream on the couch while crying and watching a Hallmark movie isn’t the only way there is to deal with the pain of a breakup.
You could write a “hate” letter to your ex — without sending it. Instead, you could burn the letter as a symbolic release of negative emotions.
Some post-breakup letter prompts might include:
- What did you never tell them you hated about them?
- Do they owe you an apology? If so, what for?
- How, exactly, did they make you feel?
- Did you keep any secrets from them?
- What does life look like without them?
- How are they going to be a launching pad for you?
- Are you doing anything they never wanted you to?
Also, write a list of everything they did that was disrespectful. Next to each bullet point, describe how their actions (or lack thereof) made you feel.
After you’ve burned your fair share of hate mail and lists, don’t forget to write about yourself, too. It doesn’t have to be long or prolific. Just keeping a brief daily record of how you’re feeling can help.
Months and years from now, you’ll look back on your writing in awe of how far you’ve come.
My absolute favorite thing to do is FLUSH. This may sound crazy, but it’s a lot healthier than picking up the phone to call your ex, drinking alcohol, abusing substances, or harming your reputation by embarrassing yourself.
A yoga teacher once told me, “when you can’t move your mind, move your body and the mind will follow.” The same goes for your emotional body.
When you’re emotionally constipated and cannot psychologically flush, you’ll look for a laxative in the form of reaching out to your ex – in an effort to try and flush the relationship – “once and for all.” Don’t do that! Instead, literally, FLUSHING helps more than I can put into words.
From this point on, every time you have to go to the bathroom…
Bring a marker with you and get a square of toilet paper. Write your ex’s name on the square of toilet paper and throw it in the toilet. Then, do your business over it and FLUSH!
Not only is this practice totally safe (and funny – laughter is the best medicine) but it is extremely gratifying and really does help. It also works wonderfully with fake friends, toxic family members, and coworkers.
Talk to someone that you can trust
Your relationship didn’t have to be toxic or abusive to warrant seeing a therapist, hiring a coach, or attending a digital seminar. Everyone needs a little extra help overcoming life’s challenges: a new job. A cross-country move. The death of a loved one.
Maybe your trust was betrayed. Maybe you were the betrayer, and you need help forgiving yourself, processing your emotions, and understanding the root causes of your behaviors.
A coach such as myself (my education is experiential, not scholastic), a counselor, or a mental health professional (I have the utmost respect for the professional community)… these are all great avenues. Having an objective, third-party listener who can see the situation from all angles and help you realize things you might not have considered before is very helpful. They’re not here to judge you or belittle you for your choices. Instead, they’re there to help you regain access to the tools on the toolbelt you were BORN with.
Use your support system and gain control
You have a support system in this incredible community. Comment on posts, ask for help when you need it, and know that you are not alone.
In a life where we don’t have control over much of anything, make sure you take total control over the three things that you can control in life: how much you move your body (if you are lucky enough to be able to), what you eat, and whether or not you give in to your triggers by allowing your emotions to dictate your actions.
Life goes on after a breakup
It may seem impossible to move on with your life after a broken heart. But knowing how to get over a breakup means accepting the pain and recognizing that it will get easier with time.
YOU are your first priority after a breakup. Following these steps will help you remember who the f*ck you are outside of your romantic relationships. They’ll teach you that everything you need can already be found from within yourself.
I hope that this finds you and your loved ones healthy and safe. Happy Holidays; I love and appreciate you all. And remember, we are family and always have each other.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
This is a really great topic especially at the end of such a year that is anything but ordinary. It is so hard to move on after a break up. I think it is especially difficult if you love someone with your whole heart. If the break up is a surprise or if it was a long time coming, pain still accompanies the circumstances. I have had more break ups than I care to count. No matter what the time of year it still remains a difficult part of life. The holiday season makes it worse because holidays are painted as a time of joy but break ups can change that idea.
You are so correct in suggesting people have a support system and that they purge social media. I think those are key. Social media is painful without a breakup involved. It is the best thing though in addition to having a close friend or friends to lean on. Many is the time I did that but I have also been very alone. I would take a friend any day of the week instead of going cold turkey alone.
You point out that life goes on after a break up. It really does do that but I can honestly say that there were days I wanted the world to stop because the pain was so bad that I could not see putting one foot in front of the other. It is quite interesting to see what we can do when we have to. The thing is the heart and head do not heal at the same time as I learned. It’s frustrating but part of the experience I had. Healing is not linear ever. It is difficult for all and occurs in many stages,
The one thing that fir sure helps is having this place. It is a support system but also a place to learn. I know I would not have made it through the gut wrenching pain of my last heartbreak without you.
Thank you for this. I know others appreciate it as well.
I hope the New Year is wonderful for you and all the tribe.
Love you an d all you do.
Thank you for the gift that you are, Linda. Not just to me but to us ALL.
I appreciate and love you endlessly. Every day, I am grateful for you, our friendship, and the incredible guest post that you wrote here on the blog.
You should be so incredibly proud of yourself. All my love you, sister. And to your beautiful Mom! Happy Holidays. xox
Hey Natasha, before I stumbled across your site this week I had spent countless hours in the 9 months since my ex left watching and reading equally countless relationship/life/ex back experts advice. And yes some have helped but none, until now, reached the inner sanctum – they got to my outside walls and maybe my courtyard but not right into my heart and mind. I am a recovering sex and love addict, and my addiction cost me who I thought was my life partner, but with your help I’m seeing that the toxicity in my relationship was more than just my addiction. I’ve crippled myself with self-blame and guilt, but I’m starting to see the wood for the trees. For me, racing thoughts and an over active imagination, especially around my addiction and the effect of it in terms of envisaging what my ex is doing with her new guy, are the main source of my pain, in addition to the pain of just plain missing all the good things about her. Until I started reading your articles, I was focused on distraction from pain, not accepting it and going through it while taking action to improve myself and my life. Thank you for all the amazing words you use to help us make new things happen. James
From the bottom of my heart, thank YOU, James. I am far from an expert, but so happy and honored to have helped/help in any way.
You are believed in, supported, loved, understood, and never, ever alone. Thank you for taking the time to share, for being a part of this tribe, and for being such an inspiration of how self-awareness sets us free.
All my love to you, my friend.
Thank you Natasha. Just an update, on Monday my ex told me that when she left 9 months ago she actually left me for a new guy who she is now engaged to. Up until 2 months ago she was contacting me telling me that she still loved and missed me so all very confusing. I spent 2 days in hospital as the anxiety got the better of me and I came home today. I’ve blocked her number and this is day 1 of the rest of my life. But being dishonored and lied to means staying on my white horse and thank you for teaching me that. I know I have to go right through the pain and I think the abrupt closure and her obvious disregard for my feelings (I’d asked for her honesty several times since she left so I could start to heal and accept and she kept saying there was no one else involved) will at least help me de-pedastal her. Take care and all my love friend, from the Rock of byGibraltar. James
Thanks for the update, James; you are such an inspiration to all of us.
Thank you for taking the time to share and, in the process, helping so many others feel less alone.
“I’ve blocked her number and this is day 1 of the rest of my life.” – I absolutely LOVE this. So proud of and happy for you, my friend. I do agree that this will help de-pedestal her.
All my love to you too.
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through James. I am going through something similar in terms of my ex telling me that he loved and missed me and wanted to be with me, only later to find out that he’s been in a relationship the whole time. I just found this out yesterday and I feel like I’m right back at the beginning of the break up several months ago. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone and I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other but it is very difficult at this point in my anxiety is through the roof again. Wishing you and I both a speedy recovery 🙂
I LOVE seeing this love and support! Thanks, Michelle! xox
This is very helpful as I’m freshly dealing with a breakup just before the holidays. I felt like this article was written specifically for me as every word resonates with my what I am going through currently. This year has really given me 20/20 vision and I’m now charged to get over and move on from this pain no matter how long it takes. Many thanks Natasha. Great advice!
So happy it helped! Thank you, Levar. You are not alone in this.
YES – take the GIFT of your 20/20 vision and give all the love and compassion that you were giving to your ex, to YOURSELF. No more settling and tolerating your way through relationships. I love and appreciate you. Thanks for being a part of this tribe.
I hope that this finds you and your loved ones healthy and safe. Happy Holidays to you and your family. xox
Folks, First of all. Wishing y’all a very Merry Christmas. Secondly, Bear in the mind it could be hard on some certain people having children involving in dysfunctional family during those holidays. For what’s worth I copied and paste from ACA 12 Step Program. The Language of letting go. Lastly, Again. Wish y’all Happy Holidays! John.
Thursday, December 24, 2020
The Language of Letting Go-1*
Getting Through the Holidays
For some, the sights, signs, and smells of the holidays bring joy and a warm feeling. But, while others are joyously diving into the season, some of us are dipping into conflict, guilt, and a sense of loss.
We read articles on how to enjoy the holidays, we read about the Christmas blues, but many of us still can’t figure out how to get through the holiday season. We may not know what a joyous holiday would look and feel like.
Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday, and what we feel we have to do. We may feel guilty because we don’t want to be with our families. We may feel a sense of loss because we don’t have the kind of family to be with that we want. Many of us, year after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all.
Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays.
Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended.
One of the greatest gifts of recovery is learning that we are not alone. There are probably as many of us in conflict during the holidays than there are those who feel at peace. We’re learning, through trial and error, how to take care of ourselves a little better each holiday season.
Our first recovery task during the holidays is to accept ourselves, our situation, and our feelings about our situation. We accept our guilt, anger, and sense of loss. It’s all okay.
There is no right or perfect way to handle the holidays. Our strength can be found in doing the best we can, one year at a time.
This holiday season, I will give myself permission to take care of myself.
Today I am willing to be increasingly aware of my spiritual life. –Ruth Fishel
I cannot thank you enough for this my dear friend.
John, you mean so much to me and this tribe. We all love and appreciate you immensely.
Hope that your family had a wonderful holiday season and a Happy New Year. Sending you, your daughters, and your Mother love from me and my Mom.
20/20 Vision commentary do seem to be what I’m going through this year. Especially reflect about everything. I’m somewhat optimistic and skeptical to what aftermath the pandemic and the change of life ahead for us? Seem like lot of unknowns yet to come into light. For those with broken spirit or broke-heart. Hang on folks. Heal is coming to you. It takes time. How long? Varies among us. Just like article stated above. Natasha. Thank for this “Christmas Gift” article.
Merry Christmas my friend. I am so glad that the post was valuable; it’s what I live for. Thank you for being here and for being you.
Hi Natasha, I’m hurting deeply. My ex and I were off and on for 2 years, and it was me who kept backing away because I saw red flags. (He’s a recovered alcoholic who has never been able to let go of resentments towards anyone who has wronged him and is also easily irritated and controlling….I know quite a catch, right?) But he did all the love bombing in the beginning of our relationship and anytime we had an argument he’d bring me gifts to try to smooth things over.
I’d begin to miss him and start to second guess myself so I’d always go back to him. We got back together this summer only to break up again. (And I can’t blame him for being tired of my confusion) He can be incredibly sweet but also has never been able to let go of resentments towards family and friends and as a result he is easily irritated with even little things. After we broke up I reached back out to him over Thanksgiving in friendship and he replied that he’s in a serious relationship and he cannot communicate with me any further even as a friend. I then found out he was cheating on me with this woman while we were together. I am devastated that he could be so happy with someone else so quickly. He blamed our breakup fully on me and didn’t acknowledge his cheating. I know I should be glad he’s out of my life but as more time passes my mind plays tricks on me and romanticizes him. I miss him terribly. I’m not remembering things as they actually were. And it kills me that his new girlfriend (who works in the psych field) can’t see through him yet. But I know he’s pouring it on so thick with her, with gifts and declaring love etc. He’s incredibly skilled in manipulation and control and I feel I’m still in a mind f*ck from everything. I can’t eat and barely sleeping. It’s been horrible. I know I sound like quite a mess. He’s having the time of his life and I’m grieving. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
Thank you so much for your love and support; the courage to share, and for being a part of this tribe.
I am so sorry that you’re going through this and wish I was able to directly advise in the comments (thank you for being so kind and understanding). Every time emotional nostalgia kicks in, you need to remind yourself of exactly what he did and how he made you feel. Read this comment that you wrote again! This person is toxic to your mental health and has zero ability to self-reflect and empathize. You were NOT a launching pad and he is NOT a changed person in a better relationship. Please come back here to the blog and know that you are not alone. I wish I had the time to write more.
Thank you for being you. All my love to you, soul sister. xo
My name is Ali and I live in Scotland. I found your website at one of the worst times of my life and I’m so glad I did as its helped me tremendously. In 2015 I lost my mum. I worked in criminal justice at the time, working with offenders. I met this guy not long after going back to work after my mum’s death. He had quite an extensive criminal record and was a heroin addict. He was supposedly on a methodone programme but he was taking heroin, crack, valium, legal highs etc. Not long after I met him, he ended up back in prison for assault, kidnap and robbery. Anyhow, I stood by hi through this. The case was not proven and he got out of jail in March 2016. So began a very toxic 14 months. He was kicked off his methodone programme and he told me the drugs team told him to take heroin – I had a lot of money from my mum and I was expected to pay this. I’m going to try and keep it condensed but he constantly wanted money. He would just stop talking to me – not answer his phone or reply to texts. Then he’d cone back as though nothing happened. He came to stay with me and sometimes we got on so well and things were great but when he would stop speaking, I felt so bad. It was my money that bought him clothes, food, paid bills, paid drug debts. I bought his daughters birthday and Xmas presents that year. He would talk about getting a job but never did. He would phone me saying people were going to hurt him if he didn’t give them money. He got his own flat – his city is 20 miles away from mine – and he went back home. I’d get phone calls through the night pleading for money and he’d expect me to drive down. I found letters from a woman he’d had an affair with for 2 years when he was with the mother of his children. She’d been writing to him when he was in prison – the prison sentence I was visiting him through. He never once paid for anything. I bought the coffees, the meals out etc. He told me that he continually cheated on his kids mother – once with her best friend and he told me about being in a hotel with two women. His ex found the key card but he was very boastful when he told me how he talked his way out of it. He told me about various sexual exploits although I told him I didn’t like hearing that kind of stuff. He also said that he would just walk out these women’s houses and not go.back, even when they were expecting him to. I lost everything I had – all my money, my job, jewellery I’d inherited, my car that I loved and I even had to sell the new TV I’d bought. I had to sell my car – it was a car I’d wanted for years and bought from the money I’d inherited. I had it for 20 months. When I told him it was sold his responses was – yes! Can I have a sub? He knew how upset I was that I had to sell it. Things ended in May 2017 after he stopped talking to me when I refused to give him any more money. He ignored any messages I sent. He then phoned me but said it was a mistake so I asked him just what was going on and he told me it was over, I was never to contact him again or he’d go to the police. I didn’t retaliate, I stayed calm and left things but I was still devastated at the callousness. He contacted me in the December – it was on some other guys FB, saying he was looking to talk to me and could I send my number. Over 2 weeks later I sent it but I heard nothing. In January 2018 he puts on a picture of him with another girl. He’s lying on a settee with his eyes closed and she’s sitting on the floor with a huge smile on her face. He posts how she’s the best thing to happen to him. That just made me feel really bad. We weren’t friends on FB but I admit, I did check every so often. I also found on Google that they started a company but it’s now no longer. Through seeing that, I saw that this new woman was a financial director of another company. I ended up severely depressed for a long time. I found this website and the articles have played a huge part in my healing. However, I do still struggle with thoughts that he’s this great person now and completely changed for her. I’ve had a lot of work to do on myself – why I got into a relationship with him, why I stayed and why I allowed my money to go. It’s not been easy. I’d say I was 90% better but the scars are still there. I have retrained and got a new career which has helped but I still have too many thoughts of how this new woman has changed him. Can I ask any of you what your thoughts on this are please? Over here, we are in our second lockdown and I am not allowed to work so am home alone with a lot of time inside my own head again. I do my exercises, I walk my dog, do my housework etc but I have 16 hours per day to fill and my thoughts do return to him. However, that said I’m much much better. I would virtually lie on my bed all day thinking and I’m just not that way inclined anymore. Thank you to anyone who reads this and can help. Natasha – I have your articles saved on my phone that I turn to when I need a doze of reality. You have helped me more than you’ll ever know. Thank you so much.
I am in tears writing this and have too much to say to type it all out. My coaching will open back up when the next blog post is posted (which will be soon). PLEASE make sure that you are subscribed to my email list on this website so that you get an alert when a new post is posted and can fill out the coaching form when it books up. I want to talk to you for a complimentary 20 minutes. You are not alone my friend. I am here; we are ALL here supporting you. xxx
Thank you for replying and I’m sorry I had you in tears. Despite all the reading I’ve done, I would love the chance to chat with you and I thank you so much for offering me a complimentary 20 minutes. Once I’m back at work – whenever that’s going to be – I would definitely like to have the money for a session. I have subscribed to you about a year ago and get all your articles so hopefully I’m still on your list. Thank you again.
They were tears of gratitude and joy so there is no need to apologize!I am always here – for and with you. xox
Ali, I feel your pain. You might have read some of my experience-sharing with y’all on other posts in other articles. Such as my 25/3 years efforts/life all wasted by narcissist exes. I can understand your anger because of your hard investment and big efforts being wasted. All for nothing. It’s like “they scoot free and not you”. You feel used. Took an advantage of. Betrayed/cheated. What!?! Is that the person? You thought you knew? Turn out not!?! Confusion. That part is DIFFICULT to let of go. Obviously you do have good belief. Unfortunately he abused, betrayed, and cheated all of those. As you said drug being involved. I must tell you this. Anyone heavily on drug or heavy drinking issues, unfortunately, are behaving similar as what you described. My brother was heavily on drinking and drug. He did hurt whole family badly in the passing years. He EVEN do not care that he broke or “bankruptcy” my father. Even anyone! No remorse. All by himself. We had to discord him out of our life after my father death. For that reason I’m not falling into similar trap like you did. Mark my word. You will see similar behaviors those on drugs and heavy drinkers that demand for more and have no regard for any of you but oneself. Somewhat similar as classic narcissist that aren’t on drugs or even drinking too! I understand how you are going through. Continue seek supports. Drill Sergeant Natasha will help walk you through. Invest a book. “Codependency No more” by Beatie Melody. Warning! Read it as it benefit you. YOU. If it cross your thought such as. Shit that’s his trait. Shit blahs him him not you. It’s a lost cause. Keep this in mind. Read and learn for YOU! ?. Redefine boundary. Avoid make similar mistake such bypass friendship into relationship. Etc. Back out once you reveal “friend” to be a boyfriend on drugs or heavy drinker for your serenity. Still struggle? Invest ACA 12 Step Yellow book and Big Red Book. This might help release and surrender the pain that your grasping with. Give it up. Surrender. For your serenity. Learn inherit traits of toxics. Etc. From those books. Lastly. He’s druggie junk. Cut him out of your life COMPLETELY. Please do not go back to him. Please. I guarantee you he never change and never will! Quitting drug is extreme difficult. Until in jail or mental institution. Till release… jeez there he/she goes back…. ??♂️?♂️ Don’t waste any more time with him. Please grab a paper and pencil. Write. Pro section/Con section. List which list the most. You will see con the worst than pro.
With pandemic. I know EXACT how you are feeling. No one to hug. No one to mingle. No one to blahs. Life sucks! I have gained some pounds because I not go gym. Caretaker my mother…. know the effect… Can’t wait for that virus to be squashed out. I’d welcome a LOOOOONG. OVERDUE. HARD HUG!!!! ?
Aside that. Honest? I sense the possibilities that my relationship day is over. All those for serenity reason. I’m ok with being myself. Peace… awesome… Who knows…. The unknown may pop up down on the road? ??♂️ Loving… no BS to deal with!
Hang on… Suspend seek relationship, solve your issues, and you will prevail. ?
One day you will ??? a Mr.Luck.. (that could be either your peace or new bf) ?
You are such an important and valued part of this community; this tribe. I look forward to every one of your comments, as do many others. This comment in particular is one that I will always treasure because I got to know more about you.
You have been through *so much* and yet here you are, giving your pain a purpose and being there for others in a way that you wish others could have been there for you.
Thank you for the gift that you are, my dear friend. I will never be able to thank you enough times. My Mother sends her love to you, your Mother and girls.
I know how difficult and draining caretaking can be but you will never regret doing what you are doing – with all the love in your beautiful heart. Happy New Year my friend.
Natasha. Your welcome! ?. Unfortunately. Those on drugs destroys those who care him or her but demand oneself. Not those who care him/her. They act like they care until they get what they want. Scoot free. That’s it. Regardless it’s within family or not. Pretty similar with narcissist even not on drug. All base on “false sense of hopes.” Example. “Hey I quit drug”. “Great ! Congratulations! Rekindle. Then shit recycles on and on and on. Until discord for good. (Serious message as “Game Over!”).
Funny thing… (while I was working) During my children growing up I used to say. “Don’t worry about money. Those are replaceable. Learn the mistake and not to repeat”. Fast forward when ex abandoned us. Left huge mess on my burden. That hit me hardest. That while I’m on disability. Fortunately children LEARNED efficiently and ex learn nothing. After soon 8 years from her abandonment…. Guess what she’s still the same but much worser. Begging around her low life peeps”Can I borrow your money?” “I’ll pay you back blahs”. Not bother to pay back. She owe tons of people money! Lot of enemy-dramas going around their peeps. The more I hear embarrassing stories or BSing. I’m happy that she’s out of my life.
Nowadays everything is getting more expensive. We are getting older. Income imbalance. Yep. Time to get serious with money in order to feel secure and independent. It’s too expensive to fool with. Yes I understand her pain to give up things she loved for him. All for nothing. It surely hurts. I hope she’ll regain as she seem perfectly heathy. I sense that her spirit is probably good (which is good) but angers of wasted efforts for nothing. Out of balance. (Unfairness). Still lingers on her. That part she need help to “Let of go”. (Not an easy. I know). Only time and good support will heal her.
That said I feel her pain and sense her compassion-efforts with her ex that do not care but feel deserve to be entitlement out of her. Hope one day she will be able to recoup the loss and regain her dreams and goals. Those takes time. As things rebuild or recoups. Maybe she start to wane him out of her life. Consider lesson learned. Redefine boundary and balance. (Same happen to me). Glad she found you and this tribe. . Hope her the very best.
Thank you so much for sharing and for being a part of this tribe, John. I love hearing more about you and as always, sending love to you, your girls and your Mom from me and my Mom!
Sorry I have taken so long to reply. On 3rd Feb, I received a notice to quit my home. I’ve lived here 26 years and can’t believe I have to now look for somewhere else to live. Still not back working yet – 26th April has been given as a date. So I’m worried about what’s going to happen.
Anyhow, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to reply to me – I appreciate your kindness very much.
I would never have usually got involved with a drug addict. I’m sure going through the grief of losing my mum played a huge part. He was so convincing too – he’d say things like “I promise I’ll come good for you” “please don’t give up on me” – all stuff like that. Honestly, I’m ashamed of the way I allowed myself to be treated. He’d leave me sitting in the car for hours and I sat there and waited like an idiot! Honestly, I felt horrible throughout most of the ‘relationship’ but that said, some times we had were good. I understand I have to look at my own behaviour and learn about boundaries. What I struggling with – really struggling with is the fact he’s still with this new one. I feel that I wasn’t good enough and she is. If he was treating her like the way he treated me, would she not have left him by now? I just see her as being someone who has managed to get him off drugs and completely change his character to now be this great guy. It just ears away at me.
Thank you again for responding. It was so much appreciated.
Hello, this is my first time to post here. I too went through a break up right before Thanksgiving. I never quite had a relationship like that one, it lasted 2 years. Things progressed very rapidly despite my initial red flag warning my intuition was giving me. I felt so giddy that I met someone who understood and accepted me completely! The red flags continued to pop up and I continued to ignore them. Gradually the relationship dynamics changed and I continued to give and give and my partner gave less and less. Then the devaluation stage began and when I did not accept it willingly I was told I was over sensitive, over reacting and over thinking. Does this sound familiar? The final discard came shortly before Thanksgiving when I once again stood up for myself and was told I had too much drama. This was followed by 2 attempts to keep me in his life in a marginal way. By then I had begun educating myself through your blog and other online resources and began to understand exactly what I was dealing with. I am glad to say I have been in NO CONTACT for over 2 months and have been working with a therapist to heal in me what needs to be healed so that I can live my life to the fullest . It was very painful in the beginning but I am seeing some progress and enjoying the freedom of just being me! I want to thank you for helping by sharing your knowledge and experience.
I have also been dealing with a bad breakup with my ex and even worse, my best friend (they were cheating on me with each other behind my back). I have put so much time and effort into therapy, self help, eating better, anything and everything to give me some sense of control over myself. Some days I’m so exhausted that I want to say “fuck it” and go back to bed. It’s in those moments I navigate to your blog and am able to reconnect with my fighting spirit to stand back up and keep going. Thank you so much. I can’t imagine what heartbreaking experiences you have had to go through to be able to relate to so many people. You are a true warrior for not only overcoming your own challenges but for using them to motivate others.
Oh, Beth! I am so devastated, angry, and frustrated *for you.* What an unfair and painful situation. I have been through something similar and, just like you, I wanted to give up and go back to bed. Every MINUTE was a struggle.
There were times I didn’t want to live anymore. I know how painful and shocking this is; you are not alone.
I am so honored that this blog has been a source of comfort and strength for you. All it’s doing is kindly holding a mirror up to you until you see all of the strength, beauty, resilience, and irreplaceability that has been there all along.
I live to give everything that I wish I had in those moments (my darkest moments) and it gives all that pain a purpose. I think that is what true artistry is – having the courage to be kindly inquisitive and inspect the broken parts of you with compassion, so that your light can help others out of a dark that you know all too well.
I love you and want you to know that you WILL get through this. You WILL continue to give the pain (that is here to pass, not to stay) a purpose and move on from people who are active participants in their own devolution.
Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for being my chosen family.
Thank you for existing and surviving. I love you. xx
My ex broke it off with me at the start of the pandemic because we couldn’t see each other, a week after he told me he loved me for the first time and I stayed with him during my erasmus trip to spain for two months. We done long distance. He said he didnt want a relationship with anyone and it wasnt me. I felt so obsessed and in love with him. After we broke up i was put on anti depressants and started running all the time and had a serious hot girl summer glow up hello!!. about 5 months after we broke up he messaged me saying how sorry he was and we started chatting again for about a month. He then ghosted me and about 3 months later hes in a new relationship with a girl who looks kindof like me and i have mutual friends with her too….. the pain is unreal but i know he will treat her the same. He was very emotionally manipulative and selfish and i fell for it. It makes me feel ill he just goes on to traumatize more women but unfortunately that isn’t something i can control. All that emotional distress during a pandemic is srsly not fun but i know it’ll get better. This blog is so great!!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share and by doing so, helping others (who are too shy to comment) feel less alone and empowered to take action amidst heartbreak and disrespect.
I’m so happy that the posts helped! I live to give everything that I wish I had.
And I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this all. I’ve been there and you are doing the right thing by having your own back and realizing that he will not change for her.
Sending you so much love and hoping that this finds you and your loved ones healthy and safe.
Thank you for being you and for being a part of this tribe. You are loved, believed in, supported, understood, and never, EVER alone. All my love to you, sister. xox
Its been 7 months since my tough breakup of an 8-year relationship with my “highschool sweetheart”, and I have to say that not one book/article/blog I read has managed to get to me as much as you did. I find your words incredibly wise and unique. You have a completely astounding approach to both relationships and writing, and I am eagerly waiting for your book to come out. Something about your sarcastic yet tremendously intelligent attitude makes it a true plesure to read and relate.
Also, I wish to share something with you and to ask you a question which I hope you can answer.
I have followed every single advice you gave – cut contact immediately, unfollowed, blocked, got rid of every reminder/belonging/picture/mutual friends, and I am constantly analyzing my thoughts and reactions while trying to identify traumas and heal more everyday. The problem though is that we live in the same small town and no matter what, I always find myself looking for him in the crowd, or for his car in traffic, and every time I see a dark grey “Mazda 3” my body becomes numb. My heart excelarates terribly and I feel completely helpless. One time, we were present in the same store, where he immediately left after noticing me- this has caused me an actual panic attack and had me locked up in my apartment for days.
This “trigger phobia” I have somehow developed has reached a point where I find myself doubting if I should go to crowded places or even leave the house. I just can’t stand my body’s reaction to when I see this damn grey car.
Do you know what is wrong with me? Why? and how can I shake these terrible emotions?
It should be noted I am not missing the relationship, and I keep wishing every morning these triggers will stop haunting me. But they are not going anywhere and often I feel like a powerless prisoner. What do you think about it?
I am so happy and honored to have helped in any way. This is what I live for; I just want to give everything that I wish I had. Glad that the posts have helped and cannot WAIT for you to read my book!
It is humanely impossible for me to advise here in the comments (thank you for your understanding and your kindness) and tackle these questions without knowing more details. I will try to write more about this soon (you are not alone in these feelings and circumstances) and my one-on-one coaching will open back up soon.
There is absolutely nothing “wrong” with you. You are having a very human response to an inhumane set of circumstances. Your emotional body is in shock and doing its best to process trauma. Be kind to yourself and compassionate always. I wish I had the time to write more but keep staying on your white horse and just know that the pain is here to PASS, not to stay.
All my love to you, soul sister. Thank you for being you and for being a part of this tribe. xo
I’ve just found your blog and your words have been incredibly helpful during this awful time for me. I have been in an on and off non-relationship with a guy for nearly 20 years now. Obviously I have had other relationships since, but he will always be that one guy that I can never have. He contacted me again months ago and we’ve seen each other a couple of times this year. We live in different states. I actually thought maybe after all this time it finally means something and that we’re destined to be together. I completely fell down the rabbit hole and hung my hopes on something that wasn’t real. Now I’m left hurting and wondering why I’ll never be good enough for him. I feel like an idiot.
You are more than “enough” could ever dream of being, Andrea. Remember to let HIM OWN his own decisions and actions – don’t tie your worth to it. I know it’s hard. You’re not alone.
I’m so happy that this post was helpful; I live to give everything that I wish I had.
Thank you for being you and for being a part of this tribe.
I have just discovered your blog and boy oh boy. I gave lived with a toxic person for so long, and my every personal attribute was kicked and negated, confidence halted to almost zero. Yet today I still want him to call and say, I want you back and I want him back in my life because I hurt so much. Yet I know this is NOT what I want. I am in so much pain for this person that has consistently hurt me and because of that I have hated the person I became. I wish I discovered your blog sooner. Thank you for sharing. I will be here daily to motivate myself to become the person I once was, A BRIGHT CONFIDENT SHINNING STAR.
I’m so happy that the posts have helped ♥️ I live to give everything that I wish I had. Thank you so much for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe. I can’t wait for you to read my book, which will be out soon. All my love to you. Xx