Estimated reading time: 18 minutes
Losing the love of your life makes you realize that love can truly be a double-edged sword. It can make us feel so uniquely connected to the world and fill our hearts so they are overflowing. It can also slash our hearts to shreds, leaving painful emotions seeping out for a long time to come.
And one of the most painful places to be in is the one where you feel regret, guilt, and pain for losing someone you see as too much of a loss to recover from. The one who was there for you, loved you, and did the “thick and thin” thing because they believed in you. But now they are gone.
The. One. That. Got. Away.
Losing the love of your life and actually realizing it can take some time to surface. There is pain on both sides when a breakup occurs. A time of healing. A time when moving on begins and life slowly becomes happier. The pain subsides, and you reflect on the lessons you learned and seek new love.
There are also times when this doesn’t happen. Where you find yourself thinking of someone every day. Losing the love of your life is painful. You feel heavy with guilt, and regret lives in your gut. It is often at this point you question yourself, and think that this person you lost, has left a hole in your life that can never be filled.
As you begin to emotionally process your role in the breakup, you slowly come to the painful realization that you self-sabotaged yourself and this relationship.
The first step is to ask yourself “WHY?”
Did you not feel good enough/worthy of this person and because of that, did you feel insecure and do things to sabotage your relationship?
Did being intimate scare you and make you push them away?
Were you afraid of having to step up?
Were you wanting to commit but at the time, not feeling ready to give up/compromise your freedom or the lifestyle you had?
Were you living a lie in some way?
Half in/half out of another relationship they didn’t know about?
Did you cheat on them?
Did you lie?
Or, was it circumstantial?
Was distance a key issue?
Was it about money – did you make more or did they make less? Did this make you feel threatened, unworthy, or guilty?
Career choices and opportunities?
How and why we self-sabotage – the reasons are endless. The whole sabotage thing is a red flag that we are not in tune with ourselves and our needs. It a sign we are disconnected with who we are and where we are going in life right now. It also highlights our fears, insecurities, and inability to be honest – with both ourselves and others.
When this moment is related to screwing up our relationship with another, we often can’t see what we have also done to ourselves, because we are so focused on the other person. Losing them is all we can think of and we fail to see that we have also lost ourselves.
Life is tinted in winter hues and life is not moving on. Even in a state of no contact for months, perhaps over a year… sometimes your connection to a person who was emotionally available, good to you and loved you, just won’t fade away. Attempts to begin dating again, to be in a new relationship, still leave you finding yourself unable to disconnect.
The feeling of wanting them and missing them fills each day. The love you still hold for them doesn’t dwindle. The guilt you feel for hurting this special person holds tight. When you think of them, your heartstrings pull because you remember just how pure their intent was. How they were always so consistent, so steady and so effortlessly able to be themselves. Always there for you. No drama. No one else can measure up to those qualities. WTF happened?
You may even dislike yourself at times because you know it was YOU that caused the split and you are responsible for causing pain to someone you really value and cannot move on from.
After losing the love of your life (and much soul-searching), you come back to the same realization, that the issue was totally YOU. And your emotional punching bag was the one you lost.
The one who deserved so much more than the crap you gave them. The one who even in the darkest of times, wanted you enough to put up with it all, until they finally said “enough.”
How do you reconcile with someone if you are in this place?
Can it even be done?
After losing the love of your life, can you get them to noticed you’ve changed?
Stop for a minute and refocus on this instead:
Ask yourself again: “Why did this happen? HOW did losing the love of my life become my reality?”
There is one caveat with this however, you need to be completely honest with yourself before you even attempt to contact this person.
You need to reconcile within before you can reconcile with anyone else.
So, WHY did it happen? WHERE were you at fault? And can you change those factors to ensure the slate is clean if you are to try again?
If you want a different result, you must do things differently. It’s as simple as that. If the circumstances haven’t changed then you won’t be able to achieve anything new or create a place for love to grow.
Yes, it can be done. Nothing is impossible. But you need to be ready for it, open to it and emotionally available.
It needs to be said upfront, you can never rekindle a love lost if you cannot deal with why you self-sabotaged a situation. Your relationships with others are always a reflection of you. Always.
This is why when we begin to evolve and become a better person, we drift away from people who no longer serve us well or don’t support us. Conversely, it’s why when we are in a state of insecurity, self-sabotage, and emotional unavailability, the good ones go.
Like attracts like.
When you develop healthy boundaries, many other good things will result as well, but you need to do a big clean up along the way. Bad habits, poor choices, and toxic relationships will all have to go.
The positive side of self-sabotage is you begin to see that the answers are always within. Every time you self-sabotage, you just need to look at yourself. There is a wealth of information in your behavior that you can either ignore or acknowledge. Do the latter and you will grow. Do the former, history will keep repeating itself.
Sometimes we unconsciously cut ourselves off from something good, so we can avoid dealing with painful issues within. So it is, in fact, a deliberate choice, but without you at first, consciously understanding why.
For example, it doesn’t matter how amazing the sex is, if you can’t be there for someone emotionally when they need you in other ways, it’s not real love. You need to be emotionally present and available.
You might find yourself pushing someone away when you are feeling vulnerable because it is scary. When a relationship with a healthy person begins to develop in deeper ways, whatever lies within you has light shed on it. And if you have fear inside you or pain, it will begin to surface. It is the surfacing of painful emotions and fear, that often bring about self-sabotage.
Rather than deal with the simmering self-doubt, we do these things instead:
- We stop communicating.
- We push people away.
- We make excuses.
- We lie.
- We become too busy.
- We tell lies or versions of the truth.
- We try to hide our shame or fear.
- We blame others.
- We play games.
- We start fights.
- We avoid conversations.
- We run hot and cold.
- We make choices in life that have us leveling down, not up.
And at our worst, we choose people who won’t love us back (because on some level, we don’t believe we are worth loving). It’s temporarily more comfortable but it’s really a road to f*cking nowhere… Ouch. Reroute. Please.
Here’s the deal though…
If you were with a person of high value, who had strong boundaries and was emotionally available…
They. Will. Leave.
They will not put up with this for months on end. Why?
Because they know their worth – and it allows their words to match their actions.
Your words and actions are probably no longer matching, and they will feel, see, and hear this.
They will cut their losses.
Because you are not offering love. You are offering a version of love, full of mixed messages. And it has become apparent that you can’t love yourself, let alone them. They don’t see themselves as deserving of these conflicting messages or the drama and confusion that has been created. If they tried to level with you, and you can’t level back, they will see the brick wall in front of them before they hit it. And leave.
This is who you are, being reflected back at you. Take a look. Learn from losing the love of your life.
Be brave and accept yourself. Learn to love yourself first – only then can you really open your heart to another.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
What a powerful quote. I think we give the love we are capable of too. If you know you have emotionally shortchanged someone special, open up your heart to yourself.
Regarding broken hearts: You can only mend yours. Stop focusing outwards on trying to love others if you are currently unable to love yourself. Truly, self-sabotage is rooted in a feeling of being undeserving of good things. Understand this, and you will quickly pick up on it when something triggers you into this state. There is an advantage to be gained in this knowledge and when you are aware of this connection, you can prevent yourself from falling into the same trap.
When we are left with a broken heart, the pieces are right there in front of us -we can’t escape what we feel on this level. You are vulnerable when in this state, and the pain is a gift because it helps you grow and move forward. You cannot move forward or heal without pain. Don’t be afraid of it – embrace it!
To get back the one that got away, you need to be ready to share your vulnerabilities and apologize in the most heartfelt way. And you will not find that hard to do if you are truly connected to your emotions in a healthy way.
Do the work first and then proceed.
You’ll know you’re ready when you can look within. Whatever is manifesting on the outside is a direct result of what lies inside. This message is continually being repeated here because it’s the real issue we are dealing with. There are no shortcuts, emotional discounts or “14-day anti-self-sabotage plans” when it comes to this.
Remember, there was a time when this person was in your life and wanting you too. Where they are sitting with these feelings right now, you won’t know until you connect with them. Go into any communication with an open heart. The worst-case scenario is they will be unable to say yes to you.
If you cannot succeed in reuniting with the one that got away, at least see the gift in what you have left: a lesson learned so you don’t repeat the same mistakes. That is a life-changing bestowal to receive. Treasure it. Only a healthy emotionally available person can give you something like this.
If the one that got away doesn’t choose to try again with you, try not to see it as rejection. Try to see it as someone who has healthy boundaries communicating to you that what you were offering wasn’t loving and because of that, they chose to break free.
If they had chosen to stay, it would have been a breeding ground for more dysfunction, more emotional drama and zero growth. They have taught you with their actions, that love isn’t like that! They have walked away. To do that would have hurt them too. They have had to heal from and accept a loss also.
How much healing needed to be done on their part, is dependent on the reasons they moved on. If you began pushing them away because you felt scared of intimacy, that is different to serial cheating on them. All in all, though, anything you do to ruin something good, always comes back to YOU. The other party is collateral damage. But you need to own your part in hurting and involving them through your unresolved issues.
Since moving on, perhaps they found new love. Perhaps they are in a new place in life, and their circumstances have changed in a way they feel it won’t accommodate you as a couple.
You may have learned your lesson, you may have changed, but water does flow under the bridge. The past is the past. You have no control over some things. You only really have today. Now. The present. Use it. Be gracious if you find yourself unable to move forward with this person because they choose not to. If they are communicating their feelings to you, know they do it out of respect and love.
If you get the green light…
When the possibility arises to re-engage after losing the love of your life, and they are willing to consider rebuilding a relationship with you, realize the beauty in this. It is truly a rare opportunity. Nothing happens by chance, so accept it with your whole heart! Be the best version of yourself, for YOU. Your partner will consistently benefit if you are in a good place with yourself.
Always remember, you need to love yourself first to do a good job of loving someone else.
The whole lesson of losing the love of your life via self-sabotage is this:
You are responsible for your own happiness, no one else.
You are responsible for your behavior, no one else. If you are not seeing the things in life that you want, look at yourself. What are you afraid of?
Self-sabotage is when you pike at the last moment, afraid of what lies ahead (even if it’s good for you).
If you ever feel unworthy, guaranteed, you’ll navigate your way around a good prospect and make excuses.
Ever feel like that? Next time you do, try this:
SAY IT.
Say it out loud to yourself. SAY IT TO THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH. Say, “I’m feeling a bit insecure right now. I want this, but at the same time, it’s scary.”
Say it. Why? Because when you say it you are not hiding your fears. Because when you are vulnerable, you are being real. And if you are with people who are good for you, they will love and respect you for it, and love you and respect you through it. When you acknowledge something that scares you, you dissolve a lot of that fear. Sharing it with someone you love, that is about trust and acceptance. We are still worthy even when we are struggling. Don’t hide behind lies, excuses, and lameness. Own who you are. Faults and all.
The other side of this is: Don’t accept excuses and lameness from others. If they cannot own their faults, you can’t love them! Simple. People are like diamonds. Multi-faceted. We cannot go through life, offering the one shiny side we think we have to offer. What makes a diamond beautiful is the way light penetrates through it. The way the cut of the diamond reflects that light back. Please don’t ruin that for yourself by thinking you can hide parts of yourself. All diamonds shine, despite their flaws.
We are all flawed.
There is no perfection. Drop that standard because as Natasha says, it’s the lowest standard you can ever hold yourself to. Be real, be flawed and learn to be vulnerable. If you can do this, you will stop self-sabotaging yourself. Learn to let people in. It is about being emotionally available. This is where intimacy begins to bud.
Self-sabotage is the emotional equivalent of running away (and eventually, losing the love of your life). Where are you going to run? What are you hiding? You can’t run away from who you are. Accept yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself.
The one that got away, might not be a person you were romantically involved with. You might look back and see it as a lost job opportunity. A friendship that was once gold. A one-off chance to try something new or exciting… An incredible social invitation… A chance to shine because someone saw something great in you…and you pulled out at the last minute.
Look within.
Sabotaging anything for ourselves is always about our fears, anxieties, and lack of self worth clouding our view of what we are being offered. Thankfully, life has a way of giving us new opportunities to try again, and so we are able to evolve and overcome the issues that have been holding us back. If you can look within, you realize, nothing is ever truly lost.
Back to losing the love of your life… if you find yourself wanting to reconnect with that special soul who has not left your heart, know this:
If you are honest, kind, and open with yourself and them, they will know and appreciate this. They will respect you for it. You can love and respect yourself for it too. It takes courage and guts to approach someone you hurt and admit that.
Remember it happened because you forgot to love yourself. It happened because of self-sabotage.
There is no set rule or formula that can resurrect a lost love, but there are steps you can take to create a fertile place for that love to possibly blossom once again. You can’t have love develop with someone else unless you can bloom within first. If you can’t love and accept yourself, no one else can.
Be grateful for these two beautiful things if you know you have lost a real love:
Firstly, you are able to attract a loving person because you have what it takes, even if at times you failed to see that. But you need to back up your qualities and insecurities by loving them too, or else you will always end up coming from a place of lack, or unworthiness. This is where the bond always breaks.
Heal your brokenness, and the bond will no longer break. Admit your fears and flaws, because when you do, something lovable comes of them, instead of them being a barrier, they become a bridge to wholeness.
We ALL have faults and insecurities. Don’t think you are the only one. You need to choose to not hide behind created images, bravado and a version of the truth. True love is about being able to be vulnerable. NO one can get close to you until you can be in that place with yourself.
Secondly, the person you cared for, tried to love you back. When they left, they mirrored to you what you couldn’t see in yourself, unavailability. You were someone they hit a brick wall with, and wise people know what to do when they hit brick walls.
They walk away. That is the gift they have given you. A time to reflect. To realize this. To acknowledge it and to work on it. This person showed you that without being on a level playing field, no one was going to score.
The saddest thing with self-sabotage is it achieves nothing! It doesn’t keep us safe. What we all need to understand is that when we are connected to a person in a healthy, loving way, it is easy to deal with bad days and weaknesses. Because those issues don’t dominate or taint the relationship.
Look at it this way, no one in a solid relationship is going to leave you because you have the flu. Nor will they leave you when you say “I’m feeling really unsure about myself on this. I’m working on it, and I’m grateful for your support.”
And realize too, any opportunity to be in an emotionally available relationship, is a chance to show how you have evolved and grown. This time around, you have so much more to offer. You have a solid chance at happiness because you are in a place full of self-love, not self-sabotage. You have love to offer, and you no longer feel any need to hide that. you are also no longer suffering from fear that cripples you from letting it in.
This is the love you deserve. This is the love you need to let in. This is the only love you want to accept – and give, to others.
The gift of failure:
We have this terrible habit of looking at failure in a negative way, but no, failure teaches us new ways of looking at things and paves the way for growth and success.
Without failure, we don’t learn a better way. And the one that got away, shines a light on to where you need to stand up in the future, not fall down.
Losing the love of your life is extremely lonely, but that special person never actually left you. Even if they don’t return, they have changed you for life. They have woken your soul up. They have loved you enough to walk away and let you know, that love is what you deserve. That was something you didn’t see in yourself. That has imprinted on you. A true lesson about love.
Losing the love of your life, is really about where you are in your life at the time a person came into it. Failed relationships highlight where we are hungriest. They show us where we need to go next and reflect the energy we are giving out.
Time passes, and with that, the past becomes something belonging to days you cannot reclaim. You cannot live in the past. The proverbial one that got away, even if you get them back, is still about moving forward. Don’t think it will be the same as it was before, it won’t be. It can’t be. The dynamic will have changed if you have changed.
When you look at yourself and why you self-sabotaged something that led to losing the love of your life, these wonderful things happen:
- You learn how to communicate better next time. You learn to express yourself more fully.
- It gives you a chance to emotionally connect to yourself, which in turn allows you to develop that connection with others.
- Give and take in relationships, is something you will learn about. You will discover the level of self-worth it takes to say “I have had enough” and walk away, and you will realize how that needs to reside in you, too.
You will develop empathy for others because when you can look at your own failures and fears, and forgive yourself, you also open up a window that allows you to do the same for others. Compassion will reside within you.
Above all, you learn to let go when you face yourself. Self-sabotage is all about trying to protect yourself. But ironically, it doesn’t achieve that. You hang on to the wrong things and fear controls you. A sense of being unworthy is like wearing a dark, heavy cloak in the summertime and trying to feel the sunshine on your skin. It can never happen.
So, if you find yourself in a space where you miss someone to the point you feel they are the one that got away, that you cannot move on without them – Stop. Understand that on your journey with them, they helped show you where you needed to grow. There will always be another chance in the future where you can love again. No one got away.
Instead, you found yourself.
This post was written by Natasha Adamo Team Member, Lorelle.
Are you done with toxic relationships and ready to attract (and be attracted to) healthy relationships? Do you want to connect with others on a deeper level than the comments below? Click here to become an Emotional Mastery Member and learn more. If you’re looking for more personalized, one-on-one help, you can work directly with Natasha Adamo here.
OMG Lorelle, loved this and needed this..As you and Natasha said like attracts like..I have been in the habit of falling for men who are emotionally unavailable and am always disappointed and pained when things don’t work out, when in fact at some level I am aware that I probably love them because the chances of the relationship working out are close to nil either because of the distance or because they were jerks…When I meet a man that is actually interested in me and takes the effort to plan dates, I find myself feeling repulsed and shut things down before they even begin…So fortunately/unfortunately I have never come to a point that I have regretted losing the one, though I do have my occasional “what if” moments when I let go of a potential someone…In my non-romantic life though, I have had regrets for taking my loved ones for granted and am trying (not hard enough though) to show the ones that are still around that they mean a lot to me..So this post resonates a lot with me..Thank you!
*** After reading this post, I am sure I am not the only one who hopes that my emotionally unavailable f***tard of an ex will hit this moment of realization and want to work things out ;)…Though I know that, with the one I have, it will probably never happen, at least not the way I hope and most probably not with me ( I had extremely weak boundaries and he knew he could have me whenever he wanted *sigh*)….Oh well. But thank you, again.. This post really made my morning…Love you both! xoxoxo
Good morning Tanya, I enjoyed reading your reply – made me smile because it’s evident there’s so much goodness and love in you ….and insight! I love it when someone can see into themselves and discover what’s holding them back. There’s so much power in that, and your honesty is humbling. I’d love to give you a hug!
You are so in tune with your past, you can see WHY things panned out the way they have and you’re so self aware of what you need to focus on to move forward. You should be so proud of yourself! Awesome place to be in right now for you.
I too, had a point in my life when my radar set to ‘emotionally unavailable’ and people like that were always in my life in some way. We really do teach people how to love us. You’re so right, when we choose someone who is unable to connect from the start (jerk alert!) it tells us where we are at. Those choices serve a purpose because they keep us safe from having to connect ourselves (we have work to do, ie unworthy feelings inside) although we pay the price with overwhelming pain and wasted time.
I particularly loved what your shared about wanting to love those more in your life who are there for you. That’s beautiful and shows that you’re well on the path to recognising and finding that person who will give you the love you deserve.
As for your ex, he’s probably not evolved enough to even think he’s got some issues to deal with. If he was, he would have made an effort to reconnect and at least apologise for things he didn’t get right. I think the weak boundary thing you mentioned is spot on – it relates back to what I said about teaching people how to treat us. You have changed so much, you’d be so different to be with now. Although at the time, it was all about him as your boundaries weren’t strong enough to stand up to him when he was trampling on them and teach him how to love and respect you. You get that now, though… things will be very different next time!
Love to you, Tanya. I’m so proud of you and I know Natasha would be too. That’s why her blog exists – and why we ride white horses together. Xxx ?
Thank you Lorelle…It is because of you, Natasha and all the beautiful women I have met on this site that I have even been able to reach this level of self-awareness and understanding of my emotionally unavailable f***tard…I still have a long way to go because despite my awareness of the situation, I still sometimes have those moments when I question myself and why I wasn’t good enough (especially when he is out dating and idealizing a new chic…Ofcourse all that ends within months and he is back to searching for the “one”)…But I have reached a point where I am able to look at the situation with a sense of humor and remind myself that his new relationship isn’t about me, though it does take a lot out of me and requires me to engage in a lot of distraction in terms of exercise, music and chocolate lol….I am in a much better place now though thanks to you all, and I no longer hope that I will hear from him with some sort of apology or acknowledgement (ok, maybe a litte haha)…Thank you again, beautiful..Much love to you and Natasha xoxoxox…
Hi Tanya! Hope you’re well. Sending you ??
Stay strong x
Hi Amy!!
Hope you are having a nice weekend 🙂 ..Doing much better, still have my rough days, but I’m in a much better place than last month ..:)..Thank you for the love and for checking on me 🙂 You are wonderful! xoxox
Wow that was an amazing article, and it closely hits home..I had met someone who was and is very special to me. It was long distance, but from the start we hit it off. When we started I had told her that there was a lot of me that needed work on, and I was open about my emotional shortcomings. She still loved me anyway and was there for me in ways no one ever was. She loved me so much but unfortunately I could not help myself from behaving in self sabotaging ways. She did end up leaving me, and now it’s 8 months later and she won’t talk to me at all. Has blocked me on everything. I did try and reach out twice but nothing. I know she has changed me forever like your article said, I started going to therapy but I don’t know what else to do, I still am very much in love with her, the love I have for her never died. I think of her every day and what I lost. My question is what can I do? I don’t think I’ll ever hear from her. But I can’t let her go either or the possibility of her ever coming back. I still want it to be us in the end. I think we both know what we had was the real deal but now it’s over. And I’m here regretting it everyday. And hoping I’ll get a chance to reconcile with her.
Hi Jessica,
Thank you for sharing your story. I have actually replied twice, but lost both before they were published and so let’s hope this third time works!
I really feel for you as I know from what you write that you are in a very difficult place right now. It is hard to lose someone, and when we look back and reflect on everything and can see where we went wrong, we want to fix it.
In answer to your question, if it was me, I would write down everything I felt, my regrets and sadness and the loss I was dealing with. I would also acknowledge the place she was in, in terms of she is hurting because of things between the two of you, and she is currently dealing with that herself.
I would write down everything, pour my heart out and then leave it for a couple of days, re read it and change words or add things I felt missing.
When you think it is everything she needs to hear, post it to her in the mail. No emails or texts, and if she has blocked you, she won’t get them anyway. Send it, it is something she can touch and re read, and it will give her time to respond.
If you send this letter, don’t contact her again. Leave it up to her. Your letter will tell her everything she needs to hear, and in it I would request it if she would consider to meet you so you can talk. If she knows you are aware of your shortcomings and are trying to make amends, she has a chance to reach out.
The thing is, she is also in a place of healing, and she may have cut contact with you so she can do that. Without a doubt, she is hurting too, and she may not respond to you for awhile, or not at all.
If she doesn’t reach out, there is nothing you can do to change that. Sadly, you have to just respect that and accept the loss, which takes time to get over. I know that hurts to read, its not always avoidable, no matter how much we want them. From this relationship, you have learned so much and it has helped you grow and develop, and I know you feel she has changed you forever. I am so glad you read this post, and so happy you replied too, although I don’t know how much my words will help, as I know you are in a painful place right now.
Just write to her and share your feelings It is all you can do. Hopefully she will contact you and you can talk to her. If that doesn’t happen, just know she is unable to be in that space for you, as she is still dealing with her side of it. Like I wrote, love can really be double edged, and sometimes we really suffer when fall in love. Big hug to you, Jessica. I am thinking of you, please write again if you need to.
Above all, I admire your courage to be so honest with yourself, and it shows how you really want to become the best version of you. That is always a beautiful thing. Be strong. I know that is hard right now, but you can do it. Come to PMS if you need support. xx ??
I‘m in the exact same situation Jessica, there is nothing I can add or say more… Did you wrote her? What happened after?
This post wat so incredibly helpful! It made me see a relationship from both sides and gain perspective
about the person self-sabotaging. I’ve always had trouble understanding the concept/idea that someone else’s (or my) actions are about them and not me. I get it now. The reason I’m still
holding on to some f***tard is because I’m not feeling worthy or deserving. It really has nothing to do with him. I’m not sure why this is clicking into place now, but it is. I’ve definitely pushed people away that were emotionally healthy because I wasn’t and therefore wasn’t attracted to that. I hope this post is spread far and wide because it makes me feel so much better. Thank you, thank you, thank you ??????
Mary!
So pleased this gave you perspective about the self sabotage thing. It took me a long time to wake up to it, and now I finally get it, I am really grateful to be able to share my understanding of it. I have dealt with the low self esteem/feeling worthless/undeserving thing in the past and it is a very isolating place to be. However, when you begin to see what you are doing to yourself, suddenly the light appears at the end of the tunnel, and down we go after it!
It’s self empowering when you make these connections and realize how you can alter your life because of it. Suddenly, the past has a purpose in that we learnt something valuable from what we have been doing, and it paves the way for healthy interactions with others. Especially OURSELVES! (Yay!)
I love your feedback and I know Natasha would be smiling to know that this is helpful to her readers. She really loves this platform she has created, and I am so blessed to be asked by her to write sometimes. It’s so full of love here. PMS promotes self healing and enables us to learn from the past and move towards the life and relationships we really want to have. Thank you, Mary. Happiness and love xxx – you are a white horse warrior! ?
I have learn so much from you Natasha and for that i thank you from the bottom of my heart, Keep shinning light to the people that might be left in the dark and need some sunshine again.
Thank you.
Hello Cathy,
thanks for coming here, reading and sharing your thoughts. Natasha will love your words, and I absolutely agree, she does shine light on people! That darkness thing is scary and keeps up lonely. The sunshine that Natasha provides us with, is what inspires us to try again, to trust again, to take risks and above all, feel valued and loved. So beautiful that wrote and thank you for your words, Cathy. xx Love to you xx ??
This post was incredibly insightful. I need help and some insight please…
Doing the introspective work and valuing vulnerability, communication and emotional intimacy is imperative. I encompassed all of these things and yet was left by the one who refused to be vulnerable or communicate when real issues arose. Even stating to me they don’t answer questions for resolve or reflect on their part. I was shocked when I learned of this 7 months into a relationship that I believe to be the love of my life. Things were so amazing until then (he wanted to marry me) … the first real issues of dealing with boundaries. So why is it I feel I lost the love of my life? I was willing to wait it out and give it time and try and within 3 weeks of dealing with his passive-aggressiveness and hot cold behavior he left me. How does this happen?? I showed up willing to do the work and he ran. He hoovered some even coming back when I had surgery and was hospitalized telling me he loved me so much and thinks of me all the time… to just poof… disappear again without hearing another word from him.
Please help me understand this when I was the emotionally available ready to do the work when real life called and fun was set aside and then suddenly, me being the love of his life turned into him saying he wanted his fun care-free financial-free life and not deal with other peoples stuff. Then for him to resurface again when I was in the hospital and say he loved me still and try slowly ( and I believed him foolishly) to disappear again without a word from him now? (and our town is so small I’ve seen him from afar and seen on social media he’s doing fine…not grieving over the loss of me at all.) I am completely confused, heart broken and can’t believe I trusted his words again. He was so “for me” and “all in” talking marriage for 6 months and then poof complete 180 at first onset of real life issues. Any helpful insight is greatly appreciated… I am floundering.
Thank you
Lynn,
I have re read your words several times. You are really in the right place if you want to get some help and love as you go through this.
PMS is full of posts about men like this, the ones who promise us everything, then disappear when we need them in real. It is a common dilemma for many people, both men and women. And in short, the reason this happened is because this man was NOT EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE.
He is in love with the idea of love.
His actions don’t match his words. And the reason that blindsided you so much was because you trusted him. You were ready for a real relationship.
I am disgusted that he can visit you in hospital and say those things, then disappear again. From an outside perspective, you have lost nothing. But from yours, I know you feel you have lost your future.
To give you some perspective, he was good at ‘future faking’. Type that in to PMS as Natasha has written about that before. This man, was all for image, but with nothing to back it up in real. Try to understand, you miss and are in love with the man he projected. Not who is actually is in reality. That amazing man you first met, who promised you happiness and much to come, he doesn’t really exist. I’m so sorry, Lynn.
I know that is awful to read, but there are people who cannot love past the first 6 months or so of a relationship. The wheels begin to fall off because they aren’t really available, they cannot love themselves let alone anyone else. They want to be that wonderful person, but they will disappear, run hot and cold, on and off whenever it gets too hard for them. Whenever sh*t gets real, they flee.
I am sure you have heard the words “when a man tells you who he is, believe him” Yes, yes, yes. Believe him. When he told you he wanted to be financially free, without the burden of others, he meant that. That was the real man (I want to use the F word here…Fboy) speaking up.
You thought you had a wonderful loving man, a future partner, but in actual fact, he turned out to be a large F***boy Supreme.
It hurts, and it will hurt for some time but I am going to try and get you to see something.
You wrote that you were ready and available, and you understand the importance of emotional vulnerability. You get it. He is the polar opposite of you. He cannot do or be those things. You are a mismatch. That is why his actions don’t match yours. That is why his words are just words, and meaningless to you when it comes to him acting on them.
He will happily be selfish enough to take what he wants from you, and yet be nowhere to be seen when you need him. Sometimes we see little pink (or red) flags appearing and we wonder what they mean. Sometimes out of the blue, they just disappear and we wonder what is going on. That is the red flag telling you he isn’t who he pretended to be.
He will not change and the fact he can be on social media without any guilt or sadness relating to you, also tells you who he is. Incapable of loving a woman like you.
I know you are in a very lonely place right now, but please know, he has saved you a lot of heartache by you seeing all this now. Imagine this being your husband, and these things happening. The thing with these types is, the way they let you down, continues to get worse as time passes.
They are unable to commit to long term. Unable to commit at all really. They are however, able to do showy, shallow stuff that sounds good but it runs dry very quickly.
I am a little teary writing this to you, Lynn, as I have been there (so has Natasha and many readers here) and it is tough. Right now, love yourself. Buy yourself flowers, get a mani, see your friends who care about you, spoil yourself in little ways.
Out there, right now, is a man who is tying up the ends of his life, where one day, he will end up coming into yours. He is out there. He is. Keep the faith on this one. He is out there, and you deserve him and what he can offer you, as well as him deserving you and what you can give him.
This person who hurt you, and shows no care or remorse, be grateful for him showing you that. He will always be full of excuses, and he will always let you down. He doesn’t deserve you. He will learn though, in his own way, that YOU are the one who got away. Might take him years, but you did the right thing. He feels like a loss because you invested in him. But you will regain that and more by letting him go.
Focus on you now. And come here and read, read, read. There are so many posts here about the issues you are dealing with. It will help you feel better. It will help you heal and restore your faith. ??
Just get on your white horse and ride. When the right man appears, you will know. And he won’t be disappearing. He will be making sure you know he loves you because his actions will match his words. Be brave, Lynn. With love and hugs xx. You got this xx ??
LOVE THIS. Thank you Lorelle xx ?????? You and Natasha are lifesaving healers.????
That was beautifully spoken.
Hi Lorelle, thank you for this post. It was beautifully written and felt very relevant. Is there anything I can or should say to a guy I have been seeing, who I feel like is on the brink of self-sabotage, before I walk away? Can you prevent self-sabotage in someone else? As you say, I think his fear of commitment (to long distance) is clouding his understanding of what I am offering, even though he has recognized how rare it is. I was the one reluctant before but came around. I have a feeling he will one day regret this decision, which makes it hard for me to let go.
Amanda,
It says so much about you that you want to try and prevent this man from regretting his decision, if he goes down that path. It comes from a place of love, and you are also invested in the decision he chooses.
I would communicate to him all the positives you both gain from being a couple. If it’s a distance thing that’s the main hurdle, there will eventually be a way around that too, so it’s not permanent. All couples have their up’s and down’s and there is a difference between these and brick walls. Up and down times rely on love, understanding and compromise.
Talk about this with him, and share your feelings with each other on how you see the future unfolding.
You said he recognises the value of finding someone he connects so we’ll with. That in itself is a great thing. I think too, that you were at first the reluctant one, gives you insight into where he sits now. You have an awareness of both sides, and it means you can offer him empathy, which allows him to open up. You aren’t coming from a needy, desperate place. That right there is a huge positive!
At the least, you both could trial the distance situation, and re evaluate both your needs and feelings from a different angle.
You’re clearly coming from a level place, Amanda and I’m sure without a doubt this man respects and values you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and the beautiful words. I’m gunning for you on this. Lots of positive thoughts to you and your guy. We love positive outcomes at PMS – and you deserve the good stuff. xxx ??
Lorelle! This is brilliant!! Thank you for sharing your insight again. I adore your take on these issues and how to turn it around so we can grow and learn and do better. I am no longer interested in being the one that got away and this post has helped me realize that is who i pick, who i fall for. we have so much more control and power over these situations than we realize. and this is why its good to be single for a long time, to really learn ourselves and what we deserve. Love and light to you and the rest of the tribe. White horses, my peeps! <3
Lori,
So good to see you! Yes, yes, yes, yassssssss to your post! Couldn’t have said it better, and we MUST know ourselves first before anyone else can. We truly do have a lot of power and control over situations. Mindset is everything. A sense of deserving matched with high standards really does keep the aphids away from the roses. And this tribe is full of roses. ?
I love your words, “ I’m no longer interested in being the one that got away ….and that will bring you great things. Because you know your worth. Everyone else will see it too. Hugs and love, ??? ride on! X
Thank you so much for this post. This touched me so much that I cried. I loved everything you said and the perspective you put in each part of the post.
I just got out of a relationship a month ago to a guy who I thought was the one. We have not spoken a word since this day, and it really hurts me. I tried so hard in the relationship that when he left me, I didn’t want to try anymore; I wanted him to.
A part of me still doesn’t feel like it’s over. But at the same time, I don’t know if I want to get back together. There were more wrongs than rights.
Reading through your post, if I took many of those points and applied them in the relationship, I asked myself “would we still be together?” Then I asked “is that what I wan?” I don’t know.
I am at the point in my life that I feel that I am not worthy of love; that I will never find the one who is going to be with me forever. I want to implement those things so I am happy with myself, but how? I always say “when I look like this, when I get this, when I have that”, but what about when that comes?
I will definitely be reading this post again. Thank you Lorelle, and that you Natasha for introducing us to this beautiful woman.
Awww Samantha,
So touched by your words. I know you’re battling a lot of emotions right now, but keep focusing on YOU. There’s a lot of insight in your words, but because you’re in pain, you may have overlooked it. What I’m trying to say is you’re further along the road to finding what you want than you realise. ?
Those questions you ask yourself, is it what I really want/ would we still be together/ looking back and seeing there were more wrongs than rights… trust YOURSELF on these doubts and understandings. They come from your gut and will always tell you the truth, unlike your heart which sometimes ‘knows’ the truth but finds it hard to face it.
You also need to focus on yourself because those feelings you have about unworthiness, and your doubts about finding true love, come from a place of lack. When we feel like this, we tend to accept things we don’t want because we don’t think we deserve better. Never settle. Get to know yourself and what makes you happy.
Natasha writes about how sometimes we ‘audition’ in life, trying to give others what we think they want. No. For now, focus on what you want. You might not even know what those things are yet, but even more the reason to find out.
When you know what you want, when you like who you are, good things happen. You stop settling, and you become more aware of the things that fill you up when you see them. They start appearing in your life, because you identify with them.
Old standards and people who aren’t your fit, begin to crop up less and less. That’s why you need to focus on you. When you meet the right person, he will notice all the things in you that make you unique. You’re not auditioning – you’re just yourself. That’s an awesome place to be. It also stops you chasing ‘carrots’ – ‘when I have this/when I have that etc.
you’ll learn to live in the present and appreciate it.
I hope this helps, Samantha. Much love – Remember, focus on you. You’re worth knowing and loving x ??
Wow what a great article!! Truly enjoyed reading it!! I am into six month out of my relationship to a man who was unemotional and narcissistic!! I finally said enough bcs of the no change in his part! But it’s true you make these learning experiences!! I was in and out of similar men, but this last one I decided to reflect on this one and it has been tough!! I try to go over and over to see what I did wrong or could have done more but I see now no matter what I did he was the one who had to make some growth!! I still hurt but learning to take baby steps forward each day and learn to grow from this!! I truly hope I was the one who got away in this case but I guess I will never know!! Thank you for all the great reading and learning you send our ways!!
Laura
Hello Laura,
Baby steps are strong steps. They move you forward and allow you to enjoy your progress along the way. There’s no rush.
It’s great you can identify traits in your ex that were the root cause of many issues. It shows you have self awareness and you can cut your losses.
When we recognise something isn’t working or good for us, we are knowing when to fold, and Natasha writes a lot about that. It’s a strong move and it’s closly related to how we see ourselves and our value.
Be happy you are doing so well without this person, as you wouldn’t have been able to change his ways no matter how much time you invested. Now you’re free to love yourself enough to attract someone who can love you – and allow you to love them too.
I think you were the one that got away, but that’s a good thing in this case. Thank you for your kind, sweet words and writing here today. It’s always so good to know people benefit from The PMS community and the posts that are published. Xx hugs xx ?
Hello Lorelle. This was so amazing! I’m the one who feels he got away but I think maybe I contributed but not sure yet. He was emotionally unavailable as I have told you before. So I’m a little confused. Either way this. Oath will mark one year and we have never spoke since the day he broke my heart. I will not reach out because I do not have the courage. It was humiliating enough. I do agree with everything you said. You make it very clear that no matter what we need to love ourselves first. He admitted he did not like himself so what do you do with that. Anyway, I am working on me and you do make a good point about looking within ourselves. Very hard to do. I am still trying to love myself. I still hold on to all of the memories and the thoughts of him still preoccupy me daily. I know though that I will never have a decent relationship until I like me, love me and know myself.
Thank you for such an great post. You are so insightful and I very much appreciate your words of strength.
I hope you are well and I wish you all great and amazing things. Love and support you ????
Hello Linda,
It’s really great to see you again, and thanks for your lovely wishes and love.
Really, just focus on you. Sometimes two people just aren’t right for each other even if they both have good qualities. I think it’s a definite red flag that your ex admitted he didn’t like himself. It’s good he can see that but it will not help him in intimate relationships.
I’m so proud of you for deciding that until you love, like and know yourself, the good stuff won’t come. It’s such a basic, but powerful truth. Sometimes we try our best in relationships but we end up learning about ourselves instead of finding a life partner. That’s still a positive, and something to value.
One year is a long time, and I’m proud of you for not contacting him because it sounds like he wouldn’t have valued the courage and heart it took to do that. You’re beautiful and there are great things happening for you. You don’t need someone in your life who cannot see that in you. Stay strong, you’re looking so good up there on your white horse xx love ? ?
Thank you Lorelle. I appreciate it. ???
Thank you, thank you Lorelle. So well and beautifully written. I wish my relationship had someone who would calmly talk and work things out. Instead, I always got abandoned. Isn’t that extreme for expressing anger or having “an attitude”? Or having a disagreement? Or defending oneself? Your advice about pain is good, but it’s amazing how pain hurts more than words can express. It’s awful, like a trap!
This was so excellent. I have wondered about this subject for a while. Thank you beautiful Lorelle and beautiful Natasha!
V,
Being abandoned is truly a horrible and particularly cruel way to end a relationship. It speaks so much about the person who did it, and even more about you for being strong enough to recognise it for what it was – abuse, and knowing you deserve better. You do!
People who show no care or concern for another’s feelings are truly not worth having our lives. In a very painful fashion the way they treat us is a gift as they show us who they really are and we have no reason to keep trying to love them. You’re right though, it’s incredibly painful and it hurts mentally, physically and emotionally. Words really can’t express it.
That’s the beautiful thing about Natasha, because she’s been there too, and when you’re having a hard time, you can come here and read til it makes you feel better. She is so full of love and writes in the hope it will help others who are going through the same. Thanks for being part of the tribe here, V. Lots of love always xxx ??
Its really interesting seeing this perspective it actually answers some of my questions that were never answered by the guy i was talking to , i noticed alot of weird things about him too , if we ever had a good time together he would text me something weird at night like “people dont like me” and then he woould just leave the conversation i used to be so confused why he would do this but i hit my limit because from the beginning he showed me that he wanted to be in a relationship but When he held my hand and tried to act like we were in one when we werent but then he didnt even talk to me for a week after so i asked him whats going on and what he said literally had me shocked he told me that he was only “joking” when we were holding hands…… i was sitting there thinking wtf and he was like omg i was being “friendly” and that i mistook his friendliness for something else and that its my fault. That was the last time we talked, for weeks i felt like my head was gonna explode i was so confused how this is possible because i knew i didnt read his behaviour the wrong way but yeah its been 4 months of no contact he tried to msg me and snap me but i never responded , ever since i have felt better every day and
also lol this makes me laugh now but after a month of no contact he sent me a video of him and a girl together he personally sent me this lol i had no words he got blocked from everywhere after that i dont even understand why he would send me that when hes the one who wanted to called us “just friends” it is such weird behaviour
I come back here all the time and re read the posts they help me so much ??
Mahnoor! ( I love your name…)
Thanks for writing here…and I’m glad this post helped you.
About this guy…you don’t need him. When you wrote that since cutting contact, you have felt better everyday, I smiled because you ARE better off without him in your life in any way. You deserve to be happy and he will never contribute to that.
I think that he sent a video of himself with another girl says so many things about him. Things like: big ego, selfish, immature, emotionally unavailable, no integrity, f***boy….but I think you can see these things and that’s what makes it so confusing when they are sometimes nice to you!
A person who genuinely cares will not send mixed messages, and I think he has a few issues he needs to deal with if he’s also saying things like ‘people don’t like me’. He needs to grow up.
Well done for blocking him! You don’t need that kind of negative energy in your life and you are wayyyyy too good for anyone who behaves this way. Keep your standards high and remember you deserve good things. So proud that moved on from him, Mahnoor! Keep reading here at PMS, it’s a good place to fill up inside when you are feeling low.
Love to you xx ??
awhhh thankyou Lorelle!
and yes that is so true I could definitely see it and feel something was off aswell
i just sometimes wonder what was the purpose of sending me that, it just seemed out of nowhere to me
Thank you so much for this Lorelle. I feel so lost too and i’ve been coming here to the blog everyday to read and re-read. This post will definitely be added to that too.
I have been in a relationship with someone who i love so dearly. I met him in 2015 and we were together for a year. We ended up not being together anymore because within the first month of our relationship he cheated on me and lied to me about it for months. Also, the entire relationship was so full of insecurity for me. It was always hot/cold. He was so inconsistent. When we broke up, i found out that only 1 month after breaking up with me he had a new girlfriend. I was totally devasted. He even texted me when he was already with her, to ‘ask me how i was doing’. I told him it would be better to focus on 1 girl at the time this time and also told him to never contact me again. He responded with a lot of texts, saying that he doesn’t want it to be this way. But i stayed strong and never replied. The year following, he was with her and i was going through the incredible hard time it took to get over him. But then… a year later i recieved a text from him. First just casual talk and than asking to meet up. Hoping that maybe he would have changed, i went for it. We met up for a drink and soon after we were in a relationship again. He only broke up with the girlfriend before me 1 month ago. She left him for his best friend and they were together now (still are). I asked him if this wasn’t too quick. But no, he was totally future faking. Telling me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and coming of Sooooo strong. I trusted him (stupid enough). The following months he was being really sweet to me with his words everyday, showering me with affection. But a couple of months in i started to notice the words didn’t match his actions at all. He would blow hot and cold again, not involve himself in my life (he wasn’t there for me at all when i went moving, he didn’t even visit my place after 4 months of living there), drinking/partying a lot, calling me every night while i was sleeping, waking me up. In short: everything was about him and i tried to fit into that life. I was becoming a shell of my futute self. And all of the above he did while still telling me he loved me everyday. It was so confusing. Also, the ‘ex topic’ started to pop up a few weeks in. He would cry about how she hurt him so bad and he couldn’t shake the feeling. I was there for him, but it worried me. I asked if he still had feelings for her and he said he absolutely didn’t, just a hard time dealing with the betrayal. He said there was nothing for me to worry about, saying he loved me and the 2 things (his ex and being with me) were 2 seperate things. Eventually: this ended up being the reason we broke up after a year. He said he wanted to be with me and didn’t want to lose me while crying so hard, but he couldn’t see a future with me at the moment (also claiming that he did WANT it but just found it hard). So i broke up with him. He cried so much and almost begged me not to go. But he wasn’t prepared to work on the relationship together. So i totally stood up for myself (finally!!) and left him. He wanted to call me that night and i kindly declined. It’s been 1.5 month now and i havent heard from him. He is going crazy on snapchat, posting stories of girls, partying, booze almost everyday. And i’m trying to deal with my pain.
I’m sorry for the long story, i had to get it out. What do you think Lorelle, is he emotionally unavailable?? Will he ever change?? Was he the same with his ex that he couldn’t seem to get over? Please give me some insight, anything.
Thank you so much, also Natasha: you’re an angel!
Xxx
Melissa,
Whoop! Whoop! Good on you for sticking up for yourself and choosing to no longer accept the unloving and shabby treatment this guy was handing out. Also, thank you for sharing, because it does feel so much better to get it all out. You’re amazing to have stayed so level throughout it all.
You asked me for my opinion, and yes, I think he’s emotionally unavailable. I also think he’s immature, self centred and a unstable. All of these hot/cold inconsistencies, betraying you, then telling you he couldn’t get over the feeling of betrayal from his ex ( karma?) – crying and begging you to not leave even though he cannot commit, and now multiple girls/partying/heavy drinking/all over Snapchat for the world to see… what a hot mess.
It’s sad too, because he’s affecting others with his behaviour and you have taken the high road and walked away from him. That.is.gold. I’m so proud of you, because it’s really hard to do that, and even though you’re still hurting, you stayed true and strong to your decision.
This is a prime example of someone who doesn’t know they are on to a good thing. He’s had a second chance with you, and blown it again. No more chances.
He won’t change (at least not anytime soon)… and I think you have given enough and put up with enough from him to know it’s not going to get better.
He has a lot of lessons to learn about respect ( of others and self respect too), integrity, honesty and owning his behaviour.
It’s not your job to be there for him while he does that. It’s your job to love yourself, spend time with happy people who care for you, and yes, keep reading here at PMS. Natasha would be so happy to hear how great you’re doing!
Go out today and buy yourself something nice, treat yourself. Or do something fun with a friend you love. Be kind to yourself. ?
Love isn’t meant to be painful like this. We get used to it, and because they say they love us, we think it’s love. Something is wrong or missing when this is what we get. When our hearts hurt and we have no peace, it’s a sign this is not the love you deserve. You deserve love without this pain and all the inconsistencies.
Stay strong, Melissa. Your intuition and boundaries knew right on this one. Ride on! ???
Thank you so much? it helps so much to read your advice. Deep down i know what’s going on, but i often dont see the wood for the trees. My last question: do you think that maybe he just didn’t love me enough and that’s just it? That he didn’t think i was worth fighting for and maybe with another women he will completely do that and be everything i always wished he was with me?
Melissa,
This guy doesn’t love himself. That’s why he couldn’t love you.
He drowns himself in parties/girls/sex and alcohol because he can’t bear to sit down and think about why he feels and acts the way he does. He does these things to distract himself and avoid looking at his dysfunctional life. He makes excuses, poor choices and then looks at the drama around him and he can’t deal. He won’t take responsibility for any of it. It’s all about random decisions made without any care or consideration for others or the consequences.
He is irresponsible and immature, only concerned for himself. Deep down you know this, but I know sometimes it helps to hear another person say it. Natasha writes about people who ‘sh*t their emotional shorts/bed’. This guy belongs in a daycare centre.
You were enough, but you were with a guy who can’t see that. However, I’m more concerned about YOU questioning were you good enough to have him fight for you…you’re tying your worth to his behaviour and that is about you seeking validation. Work on that. Read Natasha’s posts about ‘emotionally unavailable’. ‘Mixed signals’. ‘validation seeking’ . Type those words into the search bar on PMS, and read the posts that come up. You will learn so much about why some people act in such unloving ways. you’ll also see that treating others badly, speaks volumes about them and not you. It is not your problem.
This guy isn’t going to be Mr Right for the next girl he is with. He will do all the stuff he did to you, to her. And the next girl. The next. The one after that. Put it this way, when you gave him a second chance, he still repeated the same behaviour- and he was meant to be sorry for what he did the first time.
I know you’re hurting and it’s hard to move on from someone we have feelings for, but his actions are terrible towards you. He treats you badly. When you work on building your self worth and learn what you really want and deserve, you won’t even attract a guy like this. Truly! And you won’t accept this kind of treatment either if someone tries it again.
I know it’s hard Melissa, but let him go. Leave him at the daycare centre, block him on Snapchat and know you are worth more. He’s a f***boy, not a man. He’s had his two chances with you, and he’s messed up twice. The previous girl left him. I wonder why…
It’s hard I know, but get him out of your life. No contact. You’ll feel better so much sooner than you’ll realise. The drama, all the crap, will stop.
Climb on your white horse, read here everyday, be kind to yourself. You’re loved here, Melissa. Go where you are loved. Forget about him. Big hug to you. Xx ?
Thank you so so much Lorelle. I immidiately feel stronger only reading this. Thank you so much for being there for me. You’re amazing and so wise. Big hug to you?? xx
AMAZING!! Xxxx
Joanna,
thanks for your positive feedback, always so good to get that from others!
xx?
Lorelle, you are just too beautiful. Both you and Natasha are such amazing women. This post hit very deep. I had to read it in small chunks in order to digest my emotions/thoughts on my past relationships and the revelations I received as I read.
I recently let go of two relationships that were really toxic for me. The first person was someone I always went back to in hope that we might actually enter a long term relationship (despite his emotional unavailability). In the name of “childhood friends” and close familial ties, I always felt guilty about being the one to end the relationship. But, I truly believe that you can’t move on to something better while holding on to what’s bringing you pain. I would go so far as saying that “something better” wouldn’t even be able to find its way to you in while in a limbo state. The second person was someone I was in a long distance relationship with for quite some time. I still find bits of him and the relationship so perplexing because he was emotionally available (never ignored me, always talked through what was bothering me, tried to solve problems) and seemed to really care about my well-being. At the same time, he wasn’t willing to alter his lifestyle to accommodate the distance between us, because his career was most important. It all depended on me to make it work – whether that including, moving, traveling, or acquiescing to his every need. I did this for about two years. We tried to break things off multiple times, only to boomerang right back to each other. Finally, the tug of war on my heart became too much, and, after he gave me an ultimatum I decided that we should part ways for good.
After reading this post, I’m no longer concerned with being the one that got away. These were not “bad guys”, just not the men for me. I learned a lot from both relationships, and I think a new level of emotional maturity has allowed me to see that a single person can have both a positive and negative impact on your life. I’ve committed to never go back to either person, and your words provided much needed hope for learning myself and being aware of what I attract.
On white horses we ride… xxx
Hi Rhea,
I get the boomerang analogy, especially since I’m Australian ? and I am so glad you shared your story.
You wrote: ‘ I truly believe that you can’t move on to something better while holding on to what’s bringing you pain’.
I think that’s brilliant! Sooooo true! I don’t think you’ll mind if I add that to my quote wall.
I really love the way you can assess the past and sum up that these men were just not right for you. You really have insight and have emotionally processed it all so well. I admire that because despite what I write, I am very slow to process emotion when it comes to love and it takes me a lo g and hard time to let go. So kudos to you!
I agree with everything you say, and when we truly start connecting with ourselves and getting the self love thing right, it does change our perspective on who enters our life. It also changes the way we respond and what we accept.
I learnt these things the hard way, but I’m grateful for the lessons. I healed a lot reading Natasha’s posts and it’s so awesome to interact with other readers this way. Thank you for commenting and I know there are great things ahead for you…
With love xx ?
And I meant to add, white horse warriors! ???
I don’t mind at all!
It definitely does take time to process (also thinking through the times I’ve sabotaged good relationships/opportunities).
But hey, we’re all learning and growing, and that’s what matters ?
I am SO glad I discovered this wonderful gem of a site. This post really spoke volumes to me. Having been involved with a f*cktard over a 4 year period, I was left devastated, reeling, and shellshocked when he GHOSTED me in January right after a visit I made to see him. A few months ago, in April, I caved and sent him a message asking him what was going on and that I was upset that he’d seemingly just disappeared on me. Unfortunately this was to no avail and he completely ignored my message, it’s as if I don’t even exist. My self-esteem has taken a big hit and I struggled hugely for months, feeling that there must have been something soooo uniquely off-putting about me. This one future faked big time too, telling me how ‘special’ I was, how he’d never felt so intensely about anyone before, ‘I can only be happy if I know you are’, (haha yeah sure!). Looking back, I walked into a minefield of red flags – he told me he’s had 14 girlfriends (we’re both 22 years old) and of course I got to hear all about his so-called ‘crazy’ ex, blowing hot/cold and randomly disappearing. But of course I completely fell for the sweet-talking BS and was absolutely smitten with him.
This site has been an absolute lifesaver for me in rebuilding my self-esteem and helping me realise that no, it is really about him, not me. I’ve had to fight the urge to let loose and tell him how much he’s hurt me but what good would it do. If he truly cared, he wouldn’t have done this in the first place. I haven’t reached out to him again and STAYED ON THE WHITE HORSE. I’ve taken a big break from social media and unfollowed him (I know I really should block though) and am starting to feel a lot better. It’s so great to have this site to turn to when I start feeling down about things; we are a tribe of strong, intelligent, beautiful women. We are worth SO MUCH MORE than these FTs.
Good morning Hazel,
I’m feeling for you, everything you have been through – it’s very tough to get over. You invested so much time into this relationship, and for it to end after a visit in such a shady way, that really illustrated to you how high this guy scored on the ftard scale.
I have been there, wondering what I did wrong, was it me/ did I say something that upset him/ why am I not enough/ crawling around on broken glass just waiting for him reappear and be nice for a day, only to ghost again for weeks or months. It is incredibly painful and although very difficult to process emotionally, over time you do move on. You heal and become wiser and stronger.
My ephipany was when I realised I just kept living for the good times and I was really enabling/allowing emotional abuse and that the result would never change. It had to change though, I knew he wouldn’t so I did.
He ghosted – and I was never there for his next return.
I’m so glad you can tell your story with such strength and insight, and I totally get that urge you have to just give it to him about everything he put you through, letting it all out, You’d get more of a result though from hitting your head against a brick wall, because people like that don’t care. That’s why they can treat others badly and just act like it never happened.
You’re right though, with a history of 14 girlfriends there’s a lot of red flags flying for a reason with this ex. It’s empowering isn’t it when you look back and realise how much you have gained by being able to move on from someone like that. Still hurts though. But pain brings self reflection and growth. When you feel like telling him what he put you through, try writing it down, every time you think of something you want to say. If you’re feeling anger, then let yourself feel all of it. Don’t bottle it up, give it the voice it deserves because anger is just about our soul recognising our boundaries have been disrespected. The same goes for feeling sad, let those feelings wash over you, because you need to feel things before you can let them go.
Good for you about your white horse! You’ll travel smoothly and quietly through the dark days if you trust your instinct to ride on, to not go back. Natasha would be so proud and happy to read your post, because PMS exists to do everything you mentioned, and it really is a place full of compassion… Xx much love to you, and at 22, you have so much to look forward to. ??..not to mention an emotional maturity that is impressive for someone who has been through so much at a young age. Xx thank you, Hazel.
Thanks so much for your kind words Lorelle <3 It means so much to hear from someone who totally gets it. Part of me is still desperately clinging onto the hope that he'll reach out but I've been through the 'lather-rinse-repeat' cycle of disappointment too many times to know that he's not suddenly going to undergo a personality transplant and morph into prince charming. It's just so crushing to think that he's probably just getting on with his life and I'm left to pick up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem. Lol that sounds so self-pitying but he was honestly the first guy I truly felt in love with and it hurts so much to realise it was all essentially a lie. I really did think he was a great guy so it hurts to admit I was so very wrong. Hey at least I am learning this hard lesson now so I can be more discerning in future and I am truly learning a great deal in the process of recovery so at least I can extract a silver lining from this dark and stormy cloud!
As well as the 14 girlfriends, he had an ex with whom he was on/off for 7 years so it sort of hints at a dysfunctional relationship. He seemed to have a whole harem of girls ready to attend to his needs. I actually recall him once saying that 'he sticks around for the sex' with his exes. God how could I have been so blind to this sleazebag's shady nature!
I've been journaling my thoughts and frustrations which has definitely been cathartic for me and reading all the helpful advice on PMS. Once again thank you so much for your kind words Lorelle, you are truly so sweet <3
Hazel,
I was so touched by your story…. and let me second what Lorelle said about your emotional maturity. I’m blown away that you have taken a break from social media and unfollowed, (not to stereotype but….) at your age!! Whoa you have more strength, self control and tenacity than you know! At 22 I didn’t know I could ride the white horse!! I was waiting on that knight…. and you have STAYED ON YOUR WHITE HORSE you strong amazing woman you!!!!
I really can’t add to Lorelle’s beautiful wise words (reread take it all in, keep coming back to it!) but I’ve been ghosted too. And I honestly believe it is THE MOST PAINFUL ending to a relationsh$t. I say sh$t Bc no real RELATIONSHIP ends with ghosting; it ends with closure, however painful it may be. Ghosting is the epitome of immaturity, cowardice, disrespect, f$cktard behavior. Just search ghosting…. (so many encouraging articles!) even in our PC world, it’s unacceptable.
Ok I’m ab to add to it, can’t help myself…. even tho Lorelle is the bomb and said it all! ! I’m just figuring this out as I go. And pulling from my own experience…
This guy not only ghosted you (with a track record and some super shady comments ab his past), but the kicker – he didn’t respond when you reached out! Months later! (Way to hold off!) His one chance to redeem himself. Hazel, Deal breaker. The end.
I knowwww it hurts. I know
you keep replaying what he said what happened bw you. Four years is a long long time, your heart must be hurting so so hard, and I’m so sorry this is where you have landed. But, Trust me. Please. HE is in the lather-rinse-repeat cycle…. of using women. He is NOT getting on with his life and happier. No. Nope. Not at all. No matter what he portrays. He is not into changing for the better. YOU are ab to get on with your life and find happiness. And cutting him off and working towards indifference (the opposite of love) is one step closer.
Tell yourself “he’s not coming back!” (That f$cktard!) And search the archives of this blog like crazy Bc so many posts apply to what you’re going through. I really felt like I was drowning until I found this blog. I finally learned how to love myself enough to let go. I finally loved myself enough to NOT CARE ab the actions of a f’’tard. . Seriously these type of guys…. they do a number on us, but only if we let them. Block him, go the gym, go out with your girlfriends and celebrate the new you! Do not spend another minute waiting on him to respond. Even if he DOES!! Be already past it so it doesn’t phase you Bc you’re so busy being the “new you!” Don’t respond.
The way to get back at a f@tard ghoster is not to write out a heartfelt f-you letter (even tho we WANT TO oh we have written 57 letters in our heads…. and he totally deserves it) but it’s to be the best version of YOU. And be SILENT. Write the letter (or journal like you and Lorelle said) and give yourself closure and tuck it away or burn it if it’s a all the things I never said letter. And the cool thing is – being the best version of you opens the door to people who truly care and see and appreciate you. Getting back at a f-tard is only a bonus. ??
I am sitting here tearing up at your beautiful kind words. Really, I’m so glad that this wonderful community of women exists and your words mean SO much to me. It’s by no means an easy journey but I firmly believe that by keeping on doing what I am doing, the pain will slowly subside over time. I’ve saved Lorelle’s reply and now yours to a document so I can reread these wise words when the going gets tough.
The ghosting hurts so fucking much but you know what, I actually sort of pity him now. I mean, I gave him the CHANCE to be upfront, I kept my cool, didn’t insult him, just asked calmly what was going on and he STILL didn’t have the balls to say anything. I would say I feel sorry for him, what a way to go through life. You can’t just bury your head in the sand to avoid confrontation otherwise you will end up emotionally stagnant. Sometimes in life uncomfortable conversations need to be had, it’s not fun but it’s how you behave like a decent human being with integrity. This just really shows how much he lacks that. I did make the mistake of looking at his Linkedin profile once recently though to discover that he has a grad job in the States (I live in the UK) which is probably a good thing for me in moving on (even though I admittedly did feel a twinge of sadness when I initially saw that).
This blog has literally helped me SO much. I literally feel like I have attained some level of enlightenment after reading through so many of these posts…these shady types are everywhere and I’ve come to realise that it really is NOT about you at all, these are just emotionally stunted man-children. I feel like a phoenix rising up from the ashes lol! We are worth SO much more than these men would let us believe. As my friends very bluntly put it, “why are you wasting your time on this ugly douchebag?”
I don’t even know if he’s read my message from a few months ago seeking clarification but I’m not going to check or reach out in any shape or form. Silence speaks volumes. Thanks so much for your words of wisdom KP <3 Keep slaying, gal
Awww much love to you Hazel! I have saved so many posts and comments from this blog to come back to! The sisterhood and tribe love here is unparalleled. I LOVE what you said ab attaining some level of enlightenment from reading here. That’s exactly how I feel! Isn’t it like seeing the world through a new lens and you can never go back!?
Hazel you have a heart of gold. You already pity him and for awesome level-headed reasons. You kept your cool and calmly handled this like a white horse bad-a Warrior! (My phone knew to autocap that lol). Don’t beat yourself up for checking up on him. Sometimes what we find helps us move on faster. That’s been true for me.
You are more ahead than you think you are in the moving on process! I honestly have gained more strength and focus from reading your words. Like a reset that I needed. Two thoughts that came to mind – for me and you… after reading your words “You can’t just bury your head in the sand to avoid confrontation otherwise you will end up emotionally stagnant. Sometimes in life uncomfortable conversations need to be had, it’s not fun but it’s how you behave like a decent human being with integrity.“ YES!!
Either…. (and there are really only two options right!? I’ve just decided I won’t let my ghost slip by without fitting into one of these categories.)
1. He feels really bad ab ghosting. It weighs on him daily. He’s just too much of a MANCHILD like you said to buck up and make it right with a SIMPLE explanation and apology. He thinks it will incite more drama. ? Hello we women who have been ghosted and disrespected have exhibited the most self control, patience and kindness a person can have in these circumstances so the drama card is in your hand MANCHILD. (These men do not take us seriously. Like you eluded to – they like to keep us feeling less than, like we have to earn their favor.) I love the #likeagirl campaign so…. #getghostedlikeagirl LOL! We’ve got this! ??
2. He doesn’t care that he ghosted. Ouch. Knife to the heart! Who does that!? But seriously this one is like the FOLD CARD / immediate FREEDOM from the F*Tard CARD. Where the other option elicits pity-ish. This one is like do you have a heart? Good to know so I can RUN.
Either way…. both of these options are unacceptable as far as a relationship goes.. The only acceptable human common decency polite thing to do is apologize and give closure. They haven’t. I would like to think that we would have, if roles were reversed. I think maybe that’s the hardest part… ?
KP,
Beautiful words. I agree 100%. ??
Natasha loves it when the tribe connect, share and support each other. It’s love in action. Thank you xx ?
Lorelle, what an incredible article you have written. I read it three times, slowly, to let it sink in. What Natasha has created here is so special and I loved reading your words.
I am really struggling at the moment and could do with your kind insight, as you are clearly very perceptive. I went to hell and back with an emotionally unavailable man – he had baggage from all angles but was very intense with me, so many failed promises and circumstantial difficulties that we folded. I thought my heart would never recover but i dove deep into myself afterwards to face all my own pain, insecurities and fears head-on because the level of devastation i felt was truly crippling. I saw a therapist, looked at all my habits and thoughts and patterns, and committed to healing. I know healing is not ‘linear’ per se, but i felt i made great progress and was proud of myself and could take ownership for my own part and behaviour.
Natasha writes a lot about attracting in what we think we deserve and need, and you have also written of that here. It feels so grossly unfair that I met someone this year, after all my hard work and recovery. I thought it was so special and dare i say it, the ‘treat’ i deserved after the hellish experience of my ex. It felt so different, my gut felt completely ‘right’ and it seemed nothing but solid, honest and great. He completely blindsided me at my most confident point and Lorelle, the pain of experiencing this again has been so devastating. He suddenly said he wasn’t ready to get into a relationship again. There was no Fboy behaviour, no warning signs, no red lights.. nothing at all to look back on behaviour-wise. I have found this so very hard and was completely shocked by the change in his heart.
How do I move on when nothing pointed to this, my confidence is in tatters, and i felt like i was doing ‘the work’. If we attract in what we deserve, why did i attract this when i was trying so hard to be my best self and work on me? How did i attract in such a painful experience, again? It’s somehow easier when you can call a spade a spade, right? Bad behaviour, clues, warning signs… when you get none of that, just a sheer blindside ending, it’s so hard to pick yourself up. I know i behaved pretty impeccibly and have stayed firmly planted on a white horse, but it still hurts so much.
How do i heal from this, and not have fear about ‘attracting’ this sort of thing in over and over again?
Georgie xx
Hi Georgie, and thank you so much for writing, it is great to have you here at PMS. You are right, it’s such a special platform Natasha has created for us. I actually wrote you a reply on my iPad, and now it has disappeared, and I hadn’t finished it, so I am going to start the whole thing again.
Sorry for the delay!
Firstly if Natasha was here writing, she would tell you this: YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. I can say it too, because it is the truth! You. Are. Awesome.
You have put so much time and effort into your self, becoming the beautiful woman that you are, and you are so self aware of the lessons you have learned. Amazing commitment to yourself.
In answer to your question, Natasha has written before about how people don’t change, they instead REVEAL themselves over time. I think this is what happened to you, and it is the most cruel way of discovering someone isn’t who you thought they were. This man, was still a mismatch for you. Because he couldn’t step up in the relationship as it was developing. Emotional unavailability sometimes takes a while to rear its ugly head. For a time, these people can be in a relationship and it all looks good. Then as it begins to transition into a more stable, deeper love, they cannot go there.
I think this is what has happened to you. He went as far as he could, then it got him into water he couldn’t tread, so he bailed. It is so cruel. When everything looks so good, and it feels good too. Then out of nowhere, gone.
You are so brave and incredibly strong to be able to have coped with it the way you have. It happened to me, and I couldn’t even take a shower. It was hard work. You are left in a deep pain, and it just eats you up and you fill your head with thoughts of doubt, usually about yourself.
Georgie, you are right to question why did this happen after everything you did to make sure you were ready. You did not deserve this.
I’m going to try and give some perspective here that you might not have seen because its been so painful for you.
The old you, before you did the work, would have looked at this man, and recreated the whole previous scenario again, the hot and cold, inconsistent bullsh*t and toxicity would have been the diet you lived off.
Instead, at the first sign of him not being emotionally available, (him saying I’m not ready to get into a relationship) YOU FOLDED, as Natasha says. You got on your white horse and left. No waiting for drama, yes/no/maybe games and the endless mindf*ckery.
You did what he couldn’t do. You spoke with your actions, and you showed him ” I am worth more than this. I will not settle”.
If you had chosen to try and work things out, it wouldn’t have worked and it would have caused you endless pain in other ways. But you didn’t choose that. Because you KNEW at the first sign ( his words were a huge red flag) and at the first sign of it waving, you were riding away.
That is why you are so incredible!!!! It takes some of us years to get that far. Not you, warrior girl, you might be crushed inside but you know the Phoenix is going to rise again. xx See, I think the heart struggles far more than our intuition does. And you just went with his words and cut it. Yes it hurts, but you need to see that all the work you did gave you the perspective to decide even thought it was painful, this wasn’t what you wanted. He seemed to be that man, but when he said those words, you were impeccable with your actions. Dignity. Self respect. Self love. Those qualities were all there when you walked.
I really hope this helps you, Georgie. You can trust yourself, because you are in a good place. He wasn’t for you. But OMG, what a class act!
You move on now, knowing your boundaries don’t accept things that look good, when they turn out to be something else. You move on, knowing you have standards you won’t compromise. You move on, knowing you are full of self love, because at the first sign of inconsistency, you will not tolerate it.
So, Georgie, you white horse riding warrior, stay strong, be proud of who you are inside, and for refusing to put up with less than you deserve.
You are healing at lightening speed. Don’t look back. So proud of you! Love xxx ?
Another insightful post, Lorelle. Loved this one – my favorite part was “SAY it.” So simple! I actually found myself applying this in a small way today but I was proud because I recognized in the moment that in the past I would’ve likely NOT said a thing. It brings me so much joy when I catch myself in moments where Natasha’s or your words come to mind…it’s imperceptible to the outside world but inside I can almost feel a rearranging of my pieces. So thankful for you and all that you share here with us.
Hope you’re well and staying warm in the Australian winter! Sending you lots of love and gratitude x
Amy ??
Amy,
Wow! Amazing that you did that! Yes, give yourself a voice, and watch what happens. Never be afraid to be in the moment with yourself, and to speak your own truth. This PMS tribe is full of so much love and insight, and you can’t google the answers that are found here. I just love that everyone here comes together and supports each other, and share their experiences.
I am so smiling about the SAY IT moment you had. It doesn’t matter how small the situation is when you try things out, what counts is the result.
Yay! So happy for you, and Natasha would be too.
I am sick at the moment, been in bed writing replies which has been nicer than blowing my nose. LOL Thank you for asking and love to you too! xx ?
Lorelle – there are no words to describe what I felt when reading this post. I have been on both sides of this and the pain is the same no matter how it plays out. You and our dear Natasha have such a way of communicating into words what most of us have such a hard time saying or admitting and I cannot tell you how much you both have helped me thru my own pain these past 6 months or so. I am still working on myself and have absolutely no desire right now to be in any relationship and I am okay with that. It’s important for me to continue trying to be the best i can be for ME and finding happiness and peace within before I decide to take any steps towards letting someone into my world again. I will know when I am ready.
As I read so many of the comments from other here in the beautiful tribe my heart fills with tears… I have been thru so many of the same struggles as many of you have and I can completely feel your pain. This site has been a blessing for me and getting me thru the worst time and has given me great hope and strength!!! I know everyone is in different places with their journey on the road to healing and I just wish i could hug all of you and tell you, you are NEVER alone here. We get you… you are loved … and you are valued and respected so much by this tribe!!!
Thank you so much for this post Lorelle. I have nothing but love and respect for you and Natasha…. Keep doing what you are doing. You are helping so many of us. My cup runneth over…. <3
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
#whitehorsewarriors
Love to you, Vicki! I love your plan ab finding happiness and peace within. #whitehorsewarriors! ? We are in this together!
Indeed we are my dear KP. I meant every word I said and this place has become my sanctuary and a place to come whenever I need a reality check. And reading everyone’s comments truly makes me more humble … I won’t forget what brought me here and the great pains I have endured, but I know I am never alone on my journey to healing. I have a great support of bad-asses here to help me up when I fall or just need some kind words of encouragement or strength. Yes, I still struggle some days and sometimes there are tears, but I just let the feelings come and then I let them go (pain contractions as Natasha says). It’s a process and unfortunately there are no short-cuts to getting thru the myriad of waves of emotions, but I longer let them paralyze me into that dark hole anymore. Definitely getting stronger every day…. and I pray for that peace and happiness! 🙂
xxxxxxx
Good evening Vicki!
It’s so good to see you here and I’m really happy in my heart that this post resonated with you. The past 6 months for you have been hard I know, but at the same time I think if you look back you’ll see how much you have achieved in the way of personal growth. Our toughest moments are where we are forged like steel, I like to think of it like that. Not in that we become hard, but more resilient and the process makes us stronger. We are changed.
It’s great you can say “I have no desire to be in a relationship right now”… and be so comfy and happy with that. Not everyone can do or say that. I think for some, the prospect of being alone is so scary they just can’t help but find someone
else very quickly. The best healthy relationship to be in is always with ourselves first, and then, like you said, we know
when we are ready.
I totally agree – coming to PMS and reading what others write, it’s a really humbling and intimate thing. Everyone relating to each other, offering love and support, encouraging each other. It’s truly an amazing space that is so much more than you’d ever expect to find online. Natasha has created the most beautiful thing here. And no matter where we are in the journey, we all have a place to belong.
White horse warriors indeed! Yes, the soft sound of gentle hooves as we all ride on through our lives, learning to be brave,
Learning the real meaning of self love and healing from brokenness.
Much love to you sweet Vicki, and big hugs too. Can never have too many hugs xx ?? you’re a beautiful soul. Remember that. ?
Back at you my dear sister. I am so happy Natasha has handed the reigns to you while she is working on her new site. speaks volumes as to how much she loves, trusts and respects you. I look forward to the next post!!
I wish I could fly to Australia and have some tea with you my friend…. much to say.
Thank you for your kindness and support. It means more that you will ever know.
love and light.
xxxxxxx
Lorelle! What a beautiful helpful post! You nailed every little detail and I just know it will help so many people! It helped me even tho I couldn’t fully relate…. loved the comments ab what if I’ve been the one emotionally available and he hasn’t!? We talk so much ab the f*tards, so this was a nice reality check and a shift from the norm.
Whenever I read your name here in the comments or guest posts – I think “light”. Lorelle = light. Like a light shining on our most honest thoughts; but also a bright light of hope!
I could comment on every paragraph but your closing was so moving and inspiring….
There will always be another chance in the future where you can love again. No one got away.
Instead, you found yourself…
Ok so I’ve read that 5x and I still get chills and tear up. No one got away! Instead you found yourself! LOVE this perspective. And to all of you who might try again with the one who you self-sabotaged with and lost (best wishes! Come back and tell us!) ….. if he/she doesn’t come back…. it’s OK!! At least you gave it one last shot, armed with the best advice. Good for you, it takes a lot of courage! Life lessons are good for us. AND if that person from the past doesn’t come back consider THIS: you are PRIMED for real authentic love after reading this…. if you take the necessary steps. You are way further ahead than you would have been just siting around thinking of them or stalking them on social media. You are open to LOVE, real love. And….That one person doesn’t have to be your everything. Sometimes when we fully LET GO, everything falls into place.
Oh my goodness, KP, your words are beautiful.
There’s so much energy in what you wrote and your message is heartfelt. There really are no failures in life as long as we learn lessons along the way. Letting go is sometimes the hardest thing to do, but life has a habit of unfolding the way it is meant to, and we often try to control things that we can’t influence at all. It’s a waste of precious energy.
Thank you for your kind words, I’m kind of teary at the idea you associate my name with light! That’s one of the most touching compliments I’ve ever had and I’m so grateful for your words, they are a gift! Honestly, that’s truly so beautiful of you to say that. ?
I’m so happy you got lots of positives out of this post. You have touched my heart with your reply, KP. Thank you so very much. It means everything. About the part you liked, I really think we find ourselves everyday when we start to look within. The answers are always there, sometimes buried deep under a lot of pain, but they are there. And it always begins with us. Everything. We are so powerful. When we connect with that, we bloom.
Hugs and love, thank you xx ???
Hi Lorelle,
It’s me again Melissa. So.. the story about my ex i told you in my comment above continued. It was my birthday last week and i got a call from him out of the blue. It was the first contact after the break up (2 months ago now). I didn’t anwser it but send him a text an hour later saying: ‘hi i noticed your call but i’m not able to call you back right now. What is it?’ He responded saying: ‘i wanted to wish you a happy birthday and i would like to speak with you’. I said: thanks, what do you want to speak to me about?’ He said: ‘about how you’re doing/feeling etc. since we haven’t spoken since the break up. Anyway: happy birthday and i hope you’re doing wel xxx’. I said: ‘thank you for asking, i’m good. How are you?’ He said: ‘yeah i am fine. I just got the news that i’m moving to a new place in the city so thats good news’. (He now lives in a really bad place, lots of junks, trash etc.) He also added: ‘are you throwing a birthdayparty tonight?’ I responded with: ‘oh wow that’s great! Where are you moving too?’ And added that i was giving a party tomorrow.
But now the weird part: he totally stopped responding. He never even opened my last texts until 3 days later. And then just nothing! I dont get it and i feel back at square 1.
I responded because we didn’t break up fighting or anything and i wanted to be the bigger person. Also, my responses where kind, short and not too eager.
Why the hell did he contact me to just ignoring me all in 1 day? What should i do, send him a text that says i don’t want to be in this kind of contact and for him to leave me alone than? Or do nothing? What is this disappearing act??
Please guide me one last time Lorelle.. thank you xxx
Oh i forgot to add: his best friend has had a crush on me since the day he met me. He really wants to go on a date with me but i have always refused since they are best friends.. no go area. He was asking if i wanted to hangout with him sometime and since we do get along well i told him i would want that but only in a friendly way since i’m not ready for anything else right now. So.. he went to ask my ex if he would be okay with the two of us spending some time together. And he said no, he doesn’t approve of that. He said it was still a very sensitive situation for him with me and he also told him he tried to call me and still found it all hard. (This was in the days after he started ignoring me)
So he does find it hard but still disappears??? Help 🙁
Hope you got my reply Melissa x
Melissa,
I really can’t wait to hear what Lorelle says! I keep coming back to this post and the comments! When I read this piece of your story “But now the weird part: he totally stopped responding. He never even opened my last texts until 3 days later. And then just nothing! I dont get it and i feel back at square 1.” I had a visceral reaction. I’m on a rampage ab ghosting and how women respond to it.
We give men way too much credit and second chances when they act like complete @&$”!? Just fill in the blank on that explitive. NO. No no no ab what he just did. You handled it beautifully, I might add. You probably drove him crazy by not answering his call and texting in such a breezy way. ??
Sometimes we get so caught up in OH EM GEE he reached out that we forget to put weight on his actual WORDS and his lack of reciprocation after the initial contact. This guy is bad bad news. He can’t even follow through with a nostalgic birthday wish! He clearly wanted you to know he’s moving (all ab him) and yes he was thinking of you. But if he truly cared he wouldn’t have dropped off like that. People love to talk ab how busy they are or not respond to let you know in a passive aggressive way they’re JUST SO BUSY. This guy may be busy but I think he’s playing you.
And to address the bff guy…. way to stay classy, girl! This guy (the ghoster) needs to step up or move over. Can’t have it both ways. His response is ?. Give it some time to settle and if the ghoster stays gone, go for it! You deserve to be loved, admired and treated with respect. ?
Hi KP,
Yes, ghosting is really the most low life thing. People who choose to do this, have no integrity at all. None. This is the behaviour of emotional cripples.
It really requires no contact as a response because the ghosting carousel will continue to spin if you fall for their random messages. I loved your words to Melissa. You’re a wise, kindhearted soul, KP. As you know, actions need to match the words. If not, NEXT…..!
Love xxx
Hi KP,
You’re completely right. Thank you for reassuring me I responded the right way. I’m always so full of self doubt. Ever since i let this guy into my life i completely lost myself in selfblame, insecurity etc. Actually i shouldn’t even give a damn why he stopped responding, but truly letting go is the hardest part. I do think i made the right move to not text him again saying something like ‘hello’, or ‘you still there’? This way it looks like i didn’t even notice or don’t give a f*ck haha.
Anyway, thank you for your response KP, it really helps to hear somebody else say what i deep down already know. We’re in this together <3
Xx Melissa
Melissa,
happy birthday!!!!!
About this ex of yours, drop him. He will never change. People like that make contact like that for their own selfish reasons. Ego. Leaving the door open just so they can check if you still have feelings for them. Ego. Boredom. Power. Ego. Whatever! The ghosting element is a big part of who he is and how he operates. He is never going to change. He is never going to change. And he had his chance with you. He is never going to change.
Ghosting is gutless, selfish and shows no regard at all for the person who is ghosted. It is not what a loving, caring person does. Remember that.
Cut him off. Cut him off. Cut him off.
Block him on everything. Phone number included. He is never going to change. I keep repeating that because I know it’s hard to do when you have residual feelings for someone. He will not bring you joy, just the same messed up angst and hurt.
Love feels good. This isn’t love. Don’t contact him. Don’t reply. Just drop him. He’s not busy. He’s a f*ckboy.
About his best friend liking you…that could be a bit awkward in a way if it makes it hard for you to cut contact with your ex. I think it was nice of him to approach your ex to ask if it was ok with him for you two to hang out. However, it isn’t really up to your ex to approve of that. He made his choice. He can live with it. No more ghosting, as he is now GONE!
If you are all part of the same social group, situations like this can be tricky. You are trying to move on from your ex, only you can decide if this might complicate the whole thing, or whether you can hang out and keep it ‘private’ enough to enjoy each other without your ex being involved in any way.
Their friendship might not be as tight as you think, and surely this new guy must know how your ex operates with women, and also what happened between the two of you. I just don’t want you in a situation where there is more drama and fallout with your ex. It was good of this guy to speak to your him, but the ball is no longer in Mr. Ex’s court, it is in yours 🙂 Only you can decide if this is worth pursuing, weigh up how it will affect you. You want more positives than negatives. Heartbreak takes time to heal. KP is right, you deserve to be loved, admired and respected.
Look after yourself first, Melissa. You deserve love and happiness. Love feels good, and it isn’t full of doubts and fears. Sure, there are times that aren’t so smooth in a solid relationship, but consistency, respect and care will always be present. For your birthday present, I wish for you a year full of new experiences and opportunities that bring you happiness and personal growth. Experiences that move you forward, and respect your boundaries in a healthy, loving way, so you can continue to blossom. This is your year, Melissa. Bring it!
I hope this helps, much love xxx
Lorelle,
Thank you once again for responding in such an helpful, honest way. You have a way of putting things into perspective that’s just so spot on!
I completely agree with everything you said. Now the only thing i have to do is just follow through. Not that i’m still in contact with him or anything. He doesn’t have a clue what i’m going through since i didn’t contact him at all since the break up (only the response to his texts ofcourse). I also didn’t try to make him jealous or do anything that would get in the way of my healingprocess. It’s more to do with my own (bad) thoughts and insecurity that seem to be taking over from time to time.
I will keep reading and commenting here as long as i’m struggling. It helps so much and it feels amazing that we’re an army of strong women fighting for our happiness and helping eachother along the way.
Thank you thank you thankyou! <3
Also: i deleted him from Snapchat! Woohooo haha.
Lots of love,
Melissa
Yessss way to delete, Melissa! And Lorelle you are SO GOOD at advising from all the angles. I was like yay go for the best friend, not considering all the complications ahhh. The phrase that comes to mind is CLEAN SLATE. Which is what you so eloquently described. And I loved your repetition “He is never going to change.” Melissa thanks for sharing your story, and feel empowered Bc you have empowered me and others!
Hi again KP,
Yes I agree what you said about Melissa’s story being empowering. Glad you liked the bit about the clean slate.
And, he really never is going to change. Maybe his underwear but he won’t. Hahaha thanks so much for your feedback..
Hugs xx ?
Awesome that you deleted him, Melissa. you go girl!
Lots of love back to you. Yes, we are all strong, silent warriors here at PMS. I say silent because we are learning words are nice but it’s our actions that really speak. That’s really how truth is spoken.
?? X
Lorelle – I nodded my head so much while reading this post I thought it was going to detach from my shoulders! Thanks for sharing your deep wisdom in such an intuitive and relatable way.
Hi Brandon!
It’s funny because I just replied to your comment on Natasha’s latest post, and then I found this! Thank you, I’m really glad your head didn’t fall off! Nice to see you here again. Hope you’re going well and enjoying summer…I’m thinking a lot about warmth at the moment because it’s winter here, lol ?? ??
Hi Lorelle,
It hit 107 degrees in Dallas yesterday so I found myself thinking fondly of winter. If you and Natasha figure out how to control the weather, we need to do a trade lol.
Thanks again for this post – it gave me a lot of awareness.
LOL hahahah
You and me both Brandon. You and me BOTH. Thanks Lorelle for taking care of PMS while I was busy. I’ll never forget it/you. xx
Hello lovely,
The pleasure was all mine. Such a beautiful honour to be part of this incredible part of you….you have created something amazing here at PMS. Lots of love x
Thank you xxxx ???
Thank you so much Lorelle for your article and your feedback in the comments. I feel like I’m the only one here who stepped into it with an emotional f-tard AGAIN and gave him a 2nd chance, I wanted him to change so I believed his words over his actions, I was determined to move on and focus on myself after a couple years of dating casually with no sign of commitment and he came back in my life calling me at 8:30am in the morning of HIS birthday saying how much he appreciated me on “so many levels” and wanted me to be his girlfriend blah blah blah. I stated we could take it slow, but I wanted to commit to spending one weekend a month together and told him if he couldn’t do this with his 2 kids, I totally understood. He promised me he could and begged me for a chance, he then cut plans short the very first month and when I started to tear up he blamed me for trying to make him choose me over his kids!! He made me feel wretched! I was always SO respectful of his kids as I have one of my own. I sucked it up and told myself kids d come first and I needed to be more understanding. He promised to make it up to me then flaked on re-scheduling our plans and acted like I was bothering him when I tried to do so. So after this second chance of ME investing my time and heart after I clearly stated the disclaimer of my wants and needs giving him the opportunity to meet me half way, and his actions STILL didn’t match his words, it really struck a nerve because I allowed myself to get SO excited for an opportunity and believed that he had changed. Long story short, I lost it on him via text and sent a few paragraphs calling him a “fat liar” (he did gain some weight he told me about, but I rly didn’t notice bc I liked him for who he was) and psychotic for accusing me of making him choose me over his kids at 2 days a month. I wasn’t even willing to meet kids until we had dated comsistently for 6 months! Anyway, I know he’s an emotional reject, but now I keep beating myself up for getting hurt and angered by his rejection. He knew I’d already been through one abusive relationship and I was allowing myself to trust him. Now I feel like it’s my fault we broke up because I got upset for being treated with so much disrespect and I can’t shake this feeling of guilt. I mean I knew I was done with him that’s why I went off, but now he has the satisfaction of saying I was “crazy”. And that’s what kills me. Do you think he’ll know deep down I got upset for valid reasons? Next time I encounter a douche in the field, if I do, I’ll definitely take the high road and walk away that’s for sure, but do you have any insight on how I can stop taking the blame for this failed relationship because I’m a human who felt anger? Huge hugs to you and Natasha. PS So thankful I found this site. Self-Love is the key 100% I just want to forgive myself for allowing him to get the best of me. Lol.
Hi SDD, sorry for the late reply,
There’s a lot of angst and pan in your story, I’ll tell you straight up: The fact you’re angry for letting him treat you badly is actually a good sign. It means your boundaries are communicating to you! Be kind to yourself, because you realise now it’s nothing but an emotional labyrinth when you reinvolve yourself with him. You are surrounded with self empowerment because you know exactly how the wheel spins with him, no need to place any more bets on him or a future together.
I like the way you identified red flags with him, such as actions not matching words, him not being able to meet you halfway, these are factors that will keep you away from him now.
He will not change. No, he will not. Nada. You are placing a lot of weight on the ways things went down with you both – even though you are worried he will think you’re crazy, don’t. You don’t need his validation or approval ( not worth having any way) and despite it all: he will be back. You’ll hear from him again and the most important thing to remember is to make sure you don’t go down this path with him again.
That will end all your feelings of guilt, anger and pulled heartstrings. Tell yourself it’s over, block him on all levels and if he finds a way to contact you again, don’t fall for the sweet words and wistful emotion of it all.
I know you’re frustrated right now, but take heart, you’re so over the drama and you know you’re worth more. That’s an awesome place to be! Anger can be a good thing. It motivates us to change, to close doors and act differently. It’s an emotion closely in tune to our boundaries. Listen to it.
It does not matter what he thinks. Keep your resolve and move forward. Leave him behind. He will be back, but you won’t be ambushed this time.
So glad you’re here at PMS. Always lots of love and support here. Please remember that what others are saying and doing is their stuff. What you say and do is your stuff. Stay true to yourself. Then people like your ex will not matter because you’ll realise you weren’t happy with them anyway and you’ll recognise your worth.
Hugs back, stay on your white horse xxx ??
Crying tears of joy right now for women like you and Natasha. Thank you so incredibly much for taking the time to write back. Your words healed the last little aching part of me from this f-tard. I have stayed on my white horse and I will never get off her. I allowed anger to initiate action but I can still be a class act because I said my truth once then blocked him and I will NEVER go back. You’re right, I wasn’t happy. I’ve learned the lesson to not let people who are not a match get the satisfaction of making me lose my cool again. That is a superpower! I have a new found joy in the lessons I’ve learned from PMS and the fact that this new and empowered, self loving girl has taking this opportunity to evolve! So thankful for PMS, really, really thankful to find gorgeous, cool women helping other women. I’m inspired to find a painting of a white horse for my bedroom! SO much gratitude and love for you and PMS. Your words have so much power for good and positive change for women in this world and I am just so grateful. ?????? All the best to a very bright future!! Xx
Hello SDD, thank you for your lovely words. Made me smile to read them…and I’m so happy for you that you are riding your white horse. You’re in a really good place and life will continue to fill with happiness because you have moved on. That’s truly a class act indeed. Ride on! Xx ?
Okay so.. one last time (hopefully) Melissa here. In my previous comments i explained my relationship with my ex and the last time we had contact on my birthday.
I didn’t contact him after he ghosted me. I did have a big bag of his possessions still at my place. Since the breakup i had been waiting till he would say something about it but he never did, even though it was stuff he really wants back (his key, lots of clothes, a watch). He also had some belongings of me still, but nothing important. Only socks and an old shirt, so i dont need it back. So: his mother lives across my street and we would always get along well. Yesterday i decided i was just gonna drop the bag of at hers, so my ex can pick it up there and we dirn’t have to meet up for it. I did that without informing my ex. His mother was really sweet to me, saying she knows what he’s like and that he’s not an easy person to be with. We talked for a bit and then i went home and texted my ex. This was the conversation:
Me: hey, i gave the stuff i still had from you to your mom, so you can pick it up there.
He: what kind of stuff did you have?
Me: clothes, a coat, watch, key. Pretty big bag it was.
He: okay, couldn’t we have met instead?
Me: Could have, but this just seemed more convenient to me.
He: i still have stuff from you too.
Me: i believe you don’t have anything i want to have back.
He: what are you being so vague about?
Me: ?
He: when i say i still have stuff from you, it’s safe to assume it’s something you would want back.
Me: what is it than?
He: i believe i don’t have anything you want to have back.
Me: as i can remember that is correct, so let’s just leave it at this.
End of conversation. He was being really shady and just not nice. Copying my own sentence and stuff. Did i make the right choice by deciding to take matters into my own hands and not meet up with him for his stuff? Did i do right by having this conversation with him and responding the way i did? Why did he get all worked up about it?
Please help me Lorelle… many thanks and lots of love,
Melissa xx
Hi Melissa, I’m sorry for the late reply.
Yes, you did the right thing to give the stuff he owned back the way you did.
You wanted to give it back and move on. You probably could have bypassed the text to him as his mother would have told him you had visited. I think the angst you feel when dealing with him will end when you completely cut him off. No need to communicate with him anymore. He can’t control you or your heart and you have made up your mind.
I’d block him completely. Experience has taught many of us here at PMS, that once a fucktard, always a fucktard.
Any contact with him will give you the same result. Nothing will change. Don’t waste your time anymore, Melissa, as that’s all he is doing, wasting your time. Cut. Him. Off.
Xx you got this. X ?
Dear Lorelle,
thank you for this beautiful article, it helped me understand so much about myself and my broken relationship. Maybe I can tell you my story and get a little advice on how to take the next steps …
I’ve been in a relationship with “the one” and he got away a month ago, after four years. It was the third time he broke up, the last two times we tried again because there was still much love between us and I was able to convince him to try again. Unfortunately, I hadn’t event remotely dealt with me self-sabotaging and my fear of losing him (that grew even stronger because I had the feeling that it was me holding the relationship on a rope). I have to add, that we lived in a long-distance relationship for most of the time and I developed a jealousy and tried to control him in his life “without me”. I stopped living my own live, I lost the connection to myself, I wrapped myself in a constant feeling of negativity and depression. And I couldn’t give my love to him and he felt a lack of respect, valuation, gratitude … Of course! Well, he decided to go his own way and to become the person he wants to be. I want to give him that and I feel that I need it too, for myself, to understand and to grow. We’ve been in no contact since the breakup.
Deep down I know that our relationship hasn’t been good for quite a while, maybe three of the four years we had conflicts now and then, in the end I couldn’t deal with the distance anymore and was a real f****tard myself. But there was always closeness and passion, we cared for each other. When he broke up, he said he loved and missed me. And I know that it was me, standing in our way. That I had/have so profound problems within myself that I was not able to be the person, I always wanted to be. You’re right: self-sabotage leads to NOTHING. But the experience made me focus on the right things inside of me.
My question is: Do you think it’s worth a try to contact him? I’m definitely not in the place to write to him already, I’m too confused and still insecure. I put him on a pedastal, his Facebook posts have a super power over me. But I also feel so guilty and regret every day what I did and what I let go. He doesn’t know how I feel right now. He might think that I’m totally ok with the breakup, he has now idea that I’m at this place right now and understand that my jealousy was my self sabotage and that I’m feeling remorseful … I’m afraid that he will find someone new (he’s already on tinder, a friend told me …) and moving on and that he’s just really happy to got rid of me … I think that also because he started to hide his social media posts from me only, but we are still connected there … any thoughts?
Thank you so much again and have a wonderful week!
Sara
Hi Sara,
I’m sorry for the late response, but I have read your words now and I understand how you are trying to process everything.
Honestly, the feeling of wanting to contact him, if you have something to share with him and you want to let him know where you are at, and your acceptance of your role in the break up, then do it. It will give you peace in that you are sharing your awareness of what happened and I think that is very important to you right now.
If he doesn’t want to talk or meet up, that could complicate things for you, so perhaps write what you want to say. Deliver it that way. Take your time and re read it a day or two later, change or add things as you feel. It’s less about seeing him and more about the message you want him to receive.
I love the way you are being so self reflective – it’s such a powerful place and it is part of self love. I’m sending you love and hugs …and whatever happens next, just breathe, let it unfold and know it is right for you. That’s why we ride white horses. They are strong enough and gentle enough to help us move forward through the difficult times.
Xx ?
Hi Lorelle
I gave just finished this and I find myself with a huge lump in my throat. I am going through that stage where I have waves the white flag and moved away from the person who has been sabotaging for months. I have tried to give him as much love n support I could…it isn’t that he didn’t try and make an effort to be a better version of himself…he tried. But after some weeks things would be back to how it was – emotional torture, with both of us in pain. I cannot explain his behavior anymore- mixed signals, hot and cold, refusal to talk or explain…till i has had enough and i walked away. He texted right away the same day…but I didn’t reply and knowing him and the huge ego he has, I knew he wouldn’t contact again. Some weeks ago I would panic but today I find myself accepting it and despite hurting like crazy, having the courage to stay away from him and deal with the pain.
I dunno if I am wrong in my understanding him. I dunno if I am doing the right thing leaving him like this. I dunno even if my going away is making a difference in his life …my heart says yes he is missing me but I also know he has been reckless with my heart many times and have overlooked my feelings so often.
I will lie if I say I don’t want him back. I wish to see him. To see his smile and to tease him when he sulks unnecessarily but I also know going back to him will cost me my emotional health. I hope he realizes what he did, he comes back with the will to make things better for us…but I am not sure he will and I am consoling myself and putting my trust in the better plans of the universe and reading the posts here…I am not alone and it’s reassuring…
Reading this post suddenly made me emotional…not weak but for a moment I was tempted to send this to him, may b it can help him to make sense of his behavior but then I didn’t…I don’t want to contact him and send him the wrong message.
I know he is hurting but I know deep down that his ego always comes in the way…there has never been one single time when he made the first step to open up. It will always b me coming to him, only then he will open up n tell me how he is feeling.
Thank u Lorelle.
Omg! I can’t believe that the moment I posted my comment here, I got a text from him after a week telling me he knew I was hurting coz of him n he apologize for that n he doesn’t know wat to say or how to repair things but he needed to text me.
Some weeks back I would just go on with a long text talking n talking n explaining…
Today I replied…yes I am hurting but as u always say…I am strong! We are all flawed and I have my shortcomings too. U r forgiven…
I dunno if it was correct replying to him but I wanted to n I did. I dunno wat will happen next. I have zero expectations from him n i want to believe that the universe knows wats best for me…so going with the flow…
Hemlan,
I am proud of you as I have worn those shoes before and it’s a very hard road to walk when you are dealing with someone who behaves that way. You. ARE. Strong!
The thing is, guys like this say things that makes us feel good when they apologise, but their actions don’t match and we end up hurt in a new way. Again. And again. After awhile, you realise it’s about forgiving yourself for putting up with it and loving yourself enough to walk away.
You are worth so much more than he can give you and your soul knows it. Buy yourself something like a vase and fill it with flowers. Be kind to yourself. ? Because he can’t be kind. He had proven that with his inconsistencies and inability to match words with what he does. And you cannot thrive on a diet of crumbs.
You’re focused and you are in touch with your intuition. You have been hurt…but you know it won’t change. Power to you.
I’m so glad you wrote here at PMS. I am glad this post helped too and that you’re strong enough to stay true to yourself.
White horse warrior girl…. Ride! ?
Lorelle,
Thank you for this lovely post. I was with my ex for 5 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 20. We both lived with our families for the entirely of our relationship, and ultimately, our family influence was our downfall. We both had narcissistic parents who’s personalities manifested in our behaviors in specific ways, I was extremely insecure and unable to communicate my emotional needs properly and he was overly critical and lacked empathy. Both of us were very codependent, but in different ways. I needed to take care of him, while he needed to “fix” me. At the end, I fled from my narcissistic mother to live in a different state with my father, and eventually my ex joined me in the new state. Both his family and my father pressured us towards marriage before either of us were ready. I felt confined, but I didn’t know why. I thought I was losing attraction to my ex, I started to like other people and want to hang out with friends more than him. He was extremely hurt, and very homesick. We fell apart, and decided mutually it would be best if we broke things off and he moved back.
About a month after the break up, I realized that not only had I self sabotaged, but I also let other people decide the direction of my romantic life. I didn’t know how to listen to myself. I couldn’t eat, I could barely sleep. I called him and begged for him back, I admitted my wrongs, I asked for forgiveness. He forgave me, but he didn’t want to rekindle the relationship long distance. But he did want to maintain a friendship.
So now (2 months after BU), we’re talking on and off. I still have hope which I know probably isn’t healthy right now. I can’t move back to his area until next year. I miss him so much, but I know that this is for the best right now. Looking over what I wrote at the beginning, it was clear we had a lot of problems with ourselves in addition to our families that blocked us from having a healthy relationship. I have to grow from what I’ve learned, focus on the relationship with myself, and try to move forward. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. Your post gives me a lot of hope for the future. It was exactly what I needed to read. I hope you are well, thank you so so much.
How do you over come the death of a man you fell in love with. Everyday it hurts more than i can bare, for him to be taken away all of a sudden
How i do not sabotage myself through the heartache. Time has stopped and i cant move forward. Is there a way?
My boyfriend recently broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. My mind is reeling, struggling to accept it. I really felt he was good for me, he is all I ever wanted and I feel I deserve. Everything was easy, I never doubted him. But at some points I got triggered, as it reminded me of my ex who I think gave me abandonment issues. But it was my issue to deal with, not him. But now, he says he can’t be my boyfriend, because he is unhappy without me, doesn’t know what he wants or who he is. This is coming out of the blue. I’m upset because we were really good. And then I started to have doubts, like if someone loved me, they’d work this out with my support. He has been very kind about it all, but it’s all me being the one who’s so hurt and upset. He has even told me not to wait for him, as he isn’t anything special. He wants to be my friend to support me but for me, it’s not the same as being my boyfriend. So I have initiated no contact, because I truly do want to be friends but it’s not good for me right now. I intend to find a therapist to talk to soon. I want to wait for him when he’s ready when all my friends and family say no. It’s not that I don’t think I’ll find better, it’s that I found it and I think it’s worth waiting longer. I’ve already been waiting most of life for what I deserve.
Writing here as a male so hopefully I don’t get booed but I feel like I lost the love of my life very recently and don’t know what to do. She’s the only girl I’ve ever been with and the first relationship I’ve ever been in but we clicked like nothing I’ve ever felt and the marriage of our lives together was like the meeting of the heavens and earth. Every element of her life is so fulfilling and exciting and wholesome, her family loved me like a son and my family are as smitten with her as I am. I never thought I’d see a poor day with this woman and I was fully convinced that we would get married, have a beautiful family and live happily ever after for a long long time.
After college I moved to a different part of the country for work/personal reasons which sprang us into a long distance relationship after only a few months. It would only be for 1 year though so there was a light at the end of the tunnel for us. The distance ended up causing some strain and coupled with mistakes that I made, such as not putting her needs ahead of mine, not being trustworthy and dependable and not making enough time for her, I was also emotionally unavailable, afraid to be vulnerable in front of her, bottling things up because I felt the need to put on a brave face for her and be her rock. She warned me about bottling things up but I brushed it aside saying I would be fine. I didn’t subscribe to opening up about feelings and was even too proud to cry in front of her at trivial things like movies. My attitude stank also, I was negative and cynical, not towards her but around her. Impatient, with her sometimes and around her. This sapped all of her positive energy and her patience and chronic exposure to these elements drove her to say ‘enough is enough’.
She asked for a break a few months ago, relatively out of the blue to me. Before we hung up the phone we were in tears, promising each other that we wouldn’t be going anywhere, that we’d always be thinking about each other and that she was looking forward to seeing me at the other side of it. She retreated to the company of her friends and family in that time while I had exams and some weeks of travelling to keep me from dealing with things. When I got home we met up and she told me that it wasn’t going to work out for the reasons outlined above. She said that I had so much more to give (and I am in full agreement with her). In that moment, like so many times before, I froze and shyed away from the difficult conversation (emotionally unavailable). I hadnt fully hurted like she had in that time so I couldn’t draw on it in order to talk to her in a heartfelt way that conveyed how upset I really was.
I fear that she is much further ahead in her decision on the relationship and that while I am toiling and crying everyday and feeling a deep hole of regret in my soul for letting the love of my life slip away, for pushing her away due to my reluctance to be vulnerable, she has made her peace and is moving on. She said that we could be friends and at first my ego thought that that would be impossible but after reading this article I will be calling her up and biting her hand off for her friendship.
I have acknowledged that this article speaks so clearly to me, there is something fundamentally wrong with me and my opinion of myself. A past littered with regret and disappointment, a lack of direction in my job and hobbies and a family life that seems ok on the outside but is deeply troubled has caused me to be unhappy with my life. This inability to love myself and think that I am deserving of love caused me to close out the one woman that I will ever love, the most wholesome, nourishing and emotionally in tune and healthy individual I know and has cost me my only chance at true happiness as it seems right now.
I know that she is the only one with a key to my heart and there will forever be a black mark on my soul if I can’t ever win back her trust and prove to her that I’m capable of being the best husband she could ask for.
Theres a long road of healing ahead, for both of us, and I am not looking forward to it. It all made sense with this article though, and I will read it every day. I will always treasure her friendship and her family for loving me the way they did but I also hope that her friendship will allow me back into her life in a romantic sense a few months/1-2 years down the line.
I am so very much interested in her personal development too and seeing her progress and win will always mean the world to me. Even though we are quite young there was a point when we both felt that we would be spending the rest of our lives together. Everything I will learn on this journey about life, relationships and myself will be learned with the long term goal of reuniting us again so we can be truly happy.
I’ve thought of how it might feel if she ever puts her trust in me again and I get overwhelmed even thinking about it. It will be the happiest I will ever feel. But I will owe a great deal to the authors of this article and those who commented also so for that I am already grateful. Best of luck to everyone who reads this article and even my comment. I find great comfort hearing from those who seem to be going through the same kind of pain I am.
Writing here as a male so hopefully I don’t get booed but I feel like I lost the love of my life very recently and don’t know what to do. She’s the only girl I’ve ever been with and the first relationship I’ve ever been in but we clicked like nothing I’ve ever felt and the marriage of our lives together was like the meeting of the heavens and earth. Every element of her life is so fulfilling and exciting and wholesome, her family loved me like a son and my family are as smitten with her as I am. I never thought I’d see a poor day with this woman and I was fully convinced that we would get married, have a beautiful family and live happily ever after for a long long time.
After college I moved to a different part of the country for work/personal reasons which sprang us into a long distance relationship after only a few months. It would only be for 1 year though so there was a light at the end of the tunnel for us. The distance ended up causing some strain and coupled with mistakes that I made, such as not putting her needs ahead of mine, not being trustworthy and dependable and not making enough time for her, I was also emotionally unavailable, afraid to be vulnerable in front of her, bottling things up because I felt the need to put on a brave face for her and be her rock. She warned me about bottling things up but I brushed it aside saying I would be fine. I didn’t subscribe to opening up about feelings and was even too proud to cry in front of her at trivial things like movies. My attitude stank also, I was negative and cynical, not towards her but around her. Impatient, with her sometimes and around her. This sapped all of her positive energy and her patience and chronic exposure to these elements drove her to say ‘enough is enough’.
She asked for a break a few months ago, relatively out of the blue to me. Before we hung up the phone we were in tears, promising each other that we wouldn’t be going anywhere, that we’d always be thinking about each other and that she was looking forward to seeing me at the other side of it. She retreated to the company of her friends and family in that time while I had exams and some weeks of travelling to keep me from dealing with things. When I got home we met up and she told me that it wasn’t going to work out for the reasons outlined above. She said that I had so much more to give (and I am in full agreement with her). In that moment, like so many times before, I froze and shyed away from the difficult conversation (emotionally unavailable). I hadnt fully hurted like she had in that time so I couldn’t draw on it in order to talk to her in a heartfelt way that conveyed how upset I really was.
I fear that she is much further ahead in her decision on the relationship and that while I am toiling and crying everyday and feeling a deep hole of regret in my soul for letting the love of my life slip away, for pushing her away due to my reluctance to be vulnerable, she has made her peace and is moving on. She said that we could be friends and at first my ego thought that that would be impossible but after reading this article I will be calling her up and biting her hand off for her friendship.
I have acknowledged that this article speaks so clearly to me, there is something fundamentally wrong with me and my opinion of myself. A past littered with regret and disappointment, a lack of direction in my job and hobbies and a family life that seems ok on the outside but is deeply troubled has caused me to be unhappy with my life. This inability to love myself and believe that I am deserving of love caused me to close out the one woman that I will ever love, the most wholesome, nourishing and emotionally available and healthy individual I know and has cost me a once in a lifetime girl and opportunity for happiness. I know that she is the only one with a key to my heart and there will forever be a black mark on my soul if I can’t ever win back her trust and prove to her that I’m capable of being the best husband she could ask for.
Theres a long road of healing ahead, for both of us, and I am not looking forward to it. It all made sense with this article though, and I will read it every day. I will always treasure her friendship and her family for loving me the way they did but I also hope that her friendship will allow me back into her life in a romantic sense a few months/1-2 years down the line. I know that I need to start loving myself and figuring out who i am and what i want and what I’m prepared to give before I can think about a relationship again, or before getting back with my ex, because I dont want to disappoint her ever again. The next time has to be for good.
I am so very much interested in her personal development too and seeing her progress and win will always mean the world to me. Even though we are quite young there was a point when we both believed that we would be spending the rest of our lives together. Everything I will learn on this journey about life, relationships and myself will be learned with the long term goal of reuniting us again so we can be truly happy.
I’ve thought of how it might feel if she ever puts her trust in me again and I get overwhelmed even thinking about it. It will be the happiest I will ever feel. But I will owe a great deal to the authors of this article and those who commented also so for that I am already grateful. Best of luck to everyone who reads this article and even my comment. I find great comfort hearing from those who seem to be going through the same kind of pain I am.
Dear Natasha
I really can’t express in words the level of epiphany I have reached right now thanks to your blog. I hope I had found it long before when I had been exhausting myself in paranoid conversations with Google raising to it questions like ” Why i lost the love of my life ” and “what if I will be forever alone?” ending up feeling more worthless and regretful as the only articles I found just explained the 10 or so rules of how to overcome a breakup or learn to love being single..which made me feel worse and lonelier strongly denying these so called piece of advice. Nothing really explained to me the source of my issue until this afternoon when I found this article, all these deep and emotionally related things I haven’t elaborated before so as to understand my own condition. Your article is like having a chat with a psychologist or therapist something that I thought of doing but never did. Your articles touch the bone of each one of us who have been in this horrible situation. I could write more and more but let’s get into my drama story now.
I broke up with boyfriend two years ago and what follows is familiar. The reason behind which is what I couldn’t name or I did under the label *myself being ungrateful and disoriented * before reading the article was what I have now found and replaced with it’s real true name as self- sabotage. I was the one who led the relationship to break up as I was the one who was finally emotionally unavailable due to my dread of the true love I was blessed with and its flourishing future that would come. He was a Prince for me until I started feeling missing the spark the adventure everything was right but wrong at the same time for me..as if I had a monster behind me looking for a few flaws of the person of the relationship with no apparent reason I became more distant fearing that I would never be good enough for his love and didn’t appreciate the life he gave me and he wanted to give me for the future. He stayed and tried to give me time but the glass had broke so did our relationship. On the day we broke up he even mentioned that he imagined us me wearing a wedding gown next to him but unfortunately now he didn’t see it coming as if he was ready for it as if he saw it coming and wanted to end too. Contradictory but true and now I realize the reasons behind his way of thinking.
After a couple of months I tried to seek a reconciliation and that time I was rejected. he was the one who walked away because as you explain he had the healthy boundaries already raised and I was the brick wall, the end of all these he had dreamed about us. And the last time I contacted him he told me that he wished the best for me but he only wanted to stay friends as he had already started dating someone else *5 months later *. Never heard of him again and cut any possible source of connection with him. The pain the repetitive thought of failure loss and worthlessness had been hitting me for months from day to night like a murderer in jail who now experiences the effects of his deeds after his first trial.
The pain faded away after a year when I started dating a guy I met online. A new guy a new beginning i thought a new me knowing what I should expect from this new relationship . However things were moving in the opposite pace to the first relationship, every thing good but moving slowly Though it was the best for me at the beginning after having experienced a major heartbreak. It was a convenient lets say relationship with no pressure and deep emotional involvement as we met on weekends we had fun we communicate we have chemistry and attraction. However until today (its been a year now) that is still missing something. To sum up following a discussion with him he said that he is not sure if what he feels right now is the right thing he should feel after a year or if it’s enough for me and that he doubt if it will change later on.. all in all he is not seeing it going anywhere more serious soon. For me this has been translated as another failure, self worthlessness and brought back to me all those painful memories of the first relationship and making me even more regretful for what I once lost (if it was indeed the love of my life) and you can guess right as I am back to that state of anxiety and disorientation. At the time I thought I had finally healed nd was ready to give my love and open up my self to him ,I again stand alone in the middle of my own nothingness validating once again that I will never find my first love and even worse now I am convinced that am punished for letting it go once I had it all mine. what goes around comes around. Now I am the one finding the brick wall of someone unavailable but it seems that I haven’t healed enough to be able to walk away from this relationship.
I need help and I know that in this blog I found a piece of epiphany and some knowledge but still I have a long way to go and its gonna be a hard one.
P.s the guy waits for me if I want to continue the relationship as if it’s up to me if I want to hold on someone who might never love me truly.
Also what it’s even more heartbreaking it’s the fact that my friends circle is quite small so i do not have the people to support me and help me throw my agonising thoughts of the past away and keep living my life to the fullest.Most of them are in their new beginnings of a marital life and the communication is more rare and not enough to support a friend’s mid 20s relationship dramas.
Natasha I am expecting that in this blog I have found help and am willing to take action. Looking forward to your words soon!!
Thank you xx
Maria!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 I wish that I had the time to comment and give advice as much as I want to in the comments, but keep coming back here to the blog. It will help and you are never, ever alone. All my love to you, soul sister. So happy that this post helped! xox
Thank you so much for sharing this. I lost the love of my life though my insecurities,depression,selfishness,negativity and self sabotage. i miss him every second, he told me he moved on, i will carry these lessons for the rest of my life.
You are not alone sister <3 xox
Dear Lorelle,
I just found this article and it has inspired so much and help to see things from a different perspective. I have a long and complicated story.
Me and my ex boyfriend where together for 1 year before he had to start his work as Marine Officer (he would have to leave for months at a time) and come back for 2 or 3 months. We decided to stay together and we vowed to get married if we were able to make it even with the distance.
Some months after he left for the first time, I met somebody new. I realized I was falling for this person too fast and looking for the bad things on my boyfriend in order to be able to justify leaving him. Fast forward a couple more months I stopped making the effort with my boyfriend and I stopped working on our long distance relationship because I was spending all my time with this new guy. When he returned home we broke up and I starting officially dating this new person. The relationship did overlap and he found out that I was cheating – he totally hated me! (understandably) . The new guy was all the time aware that I was in a long distance relationship.
Everything was okay with this new guy until he kind of cheated on me (his ex contacted me and told me about this) he totally denied it but it was very sketchy. I ended up that relationship just to realized that my ex-boyfriend was the love of my life and I am pretty sure I self-sabotage for my fear of being alone and feeling alone during the rest of my life (due to the nature of his career). It is fair to accept that I did love this new guy and when everything worked I felt like I made the right decision. After I broke up with the new guy everything became confusing and even more painful.
I regret throwing away this future we wanted to build and realized he was the love of my life. I should have never make him go through so much pain.
My ex boyfriend contacted me around 6 months ago and we reconnected. I apologized for everything I did, and he told me that he still loved me and I forgave me for what happened. Also he promise that in 2 years (after he finished his time as a Marine Officer) he would come back for good (and work in land) and we could build a life together. get married, and have kids. Fast forward to 2 days ago.. out of the blue he contacted me again and told me to forget it, that he would never trust me again and that we will never be back again.
Now I think I lost the love of my life forever.. I am devastated but your words helped me a lot
XOXO,
Gabrielle
I am so happy that you love this post as much as I do 🙂 Thanks Gabrielle xox
So glad I found this article. It has spoke to me and what’s going on with me. I got into a relationship with an amazing girl, she ended up ending things because of her reasons. Over the time of us not talking I did something really childish, when confronted about it, I lied. Fast forward to a couple months later, she gave me a second chance. Now fast forward to now, she believes I’ve lied about something i told her about( or that I didn’t tell the full truth which is tech still a lie ofc) but I had no clue about it going on for some tome before I told her, Now, although in the heat of the moment I thought the best thing I could do was act like I knew about it all along but just failed to tell her(it’s so confusing) . I only did this because it felt like it was the right thing to do instead of looking even more like a coward:/. I had gained her trust back and we weren’t in a relationship because we were not ready for one but we were working our way to it all while working on ourselves. Now I have hurt her to her core and hurt myself to my core. I keep thinking well maybe if I went about it differently maybe the outcome would’ve been better but that’s not the case and I can’t go back in time. I really loved her and she loved me so why and how could I do something to sabotage what we had ?! I have been beating myself up over this and just feel like I will never be able to get over her. My first real connection and I believe it’s safe to say she was my first love. I have shredded my own heart into 12,000 pieces and I just don’t know where to go from here. Any advice you can give would be extremely helpful
Faith.
I’ve read your words a few times over.
I can feel the regret and pain in them.
You mention a loss of trust and yes that is painful. In the heat of the moment, things can be said and done without fully thinking about what impact it could have.
I understand your feeling of great loss – losing your first true love. It’s an event that our hearts cannot forget. It takes time to heal. That first real love- It’s a time of huge personal growth. Of seeing yourself in the eyes of another. Of learning about who you are and what you want in life. It’s a true rite of passage. ??
I know you feel hopeless and broken right now. However, is it possible you can contact her again soon, once the dust settles?
Communication is everything – even the absence of it is powerful. Could you write what you want to tell her – and get it to her that way? It gives her space and time to read your words.
If the connection is still there – it may be what ignites her to speak with you again.
You mentioned she ended it with you because of her own reasons. I don’t know those reasons so it’s hard to comment but I sense she ended things although you didn’t want to.
This is probably what you don’t want to hear right now – but that connection with her may not have been the connection you’re really meant to have.
Our first love – their place in our lives is to help us learn. The feeling of wanting her to return is what’s really holding you back.
You are stuck in that painful place of longing.
My advice is reach out to her if you really feel it’s going to ease your pain. Write to her telling her your regrets – write like it’s possibly the last time you’ll contact her. Why? Because if this connection is not meant to be – you have said everything your heart needs to say. It helps you accept the end. It eases your burden.
One of the most important parts of healing is self- love. Kindness to yourself. Everyone heals differently – but to find peace in your own heart – you need to show kindness and nurturing to yourself. Long warm showers. Your favourite things. Spend time with people who love and accept you. Sometimes – spend time alone – that’s my way actually. I find it difficult to talk when I’m in a hard place. But treat yourself like you’d treat someone you love if they were in pain. If you find it soothing to be with others – make a plan with friends. Buy yourself something you really want. ?
Cause here’s a secret that shouldn’t actually be a secret, Faith. Until we Truly love ourselves – we will never find the love we want from another.
I hope this helps you. Even just a little. Sending you love and a big hug from Australia. Read the posts about the white horse on here. They will help you too xx
You are not alone. Xxx ?
THIS.
Lorelle, you can’t empathize and write as you do… and not know pain, loss, and betrayal on such a deep level. Thank you for surviving everything that you have (including yourself). Thank you for taking the time to give to others what your younger self needed. Thank you for finding me, for being a part of this tribe, and for being such an inspiration to me and many others.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you my dear friend/family/sister/everything in between. You are the family that I got to choose. And I could not be more grateful. xx
Oh wow!! ?
Thank you so much for these words. Speechless. ??
People would not realise this but I actually don’t have words when I’m in a dark place.
Just silence. I can’t put my feelings into words. I cannot speak them. I cannot share them.
But when I’ve processed it – I can find the words.
I never want people to be in those dark places – so I’m grateful for the words when I find them. Because then I can share. ?
And YOUR beautiful words Natasha have filled my heart. You have no idea x??
Thank you xx love you more.
?
Love is the greatest dance in life. Surrender to each step. Hold your partner close to your heart, but don’t grasp”
Great words. I enjoyed reading your article. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for posting this!!! I’ve spent over a year dealing with the aftermath of my last relationship who happened to by my “one”. I’ve spent everyday since thinking about her and have come to many a moment where I realize no amount of riches, success, or anything external can match that of which I lost because I was myself at 100% and acting as my TRUE unapologetic, free, self. I was happy with almost nothing, thru the thick & thin taking on the world together and making it work. Even though I may have “progressed” on paper I’ve felt “less than” since then. The hardest part of all that is my whole life I’ve always been uber-confident and have always had an extremely positive mentality and outlook on life, and when the break happened that all came crashing down and did a complete 180 to the total opposite of that spectrum. I nearly lost everything. It was definitely the darkest/lowest place in my life when it happened
For over the past year and a half I felt that shroud you mention in a previous comment – where I don’t feel myself, knew I should be feeling different, but have no idea how to recapture that same flame in myself I had prior to that relationship all the way thru up until the break up where that all changed. No idea how to get my mind truly right and I would have “good days” where I felt normal but then always snap back to some version of the bad out of nowhere and not knowing why, having thought I had conquered those thoughts. Motivation was wavering, I think because I lost that true internal drive I once had, and was only fronting to myself things are fine
I knew after the fact I screwed it all up, and never took away responsibility for my failure in what happened. However, having read all of this I can clearly see now I self-sabotaged that relationship at the end. Ironically enough the best days of our relationship without a doubt were just before the break, and we both mentioned something about it while we were still living those moments together
Thank you again for this post! I’ve searched all this time for some type of help that explains into much more detail how to operate in the circumstances I’ve been dealing with since and how to fix it. Most of everything out there is very basic and doesnt relate or delve deep into the subject like you did here.
This post has definitely helped me realize a few things like (learning to forgive myself, not trying to always be strong, how to really get to the root problems, etc). I hope that one day I may be able to reconnect with her and make things work from a much better point of understanding, empathy, and emotional maturity and make it a “forever” thing
Thank you so much again, God bless
Sergio
Sergio,
I will let Lorelle answer but just wanted to say that I am so happy you love this post as much as I do. Lorelle wrote a masterpiece. This post continues to help me; I go back to it often. Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe.
Sergio, oh my goodness … this comment you have written. It’s so full of emotional intelligence.
See, here’s the thing. Messing up always happens for a reason. I think of it like this. If you design a beautiful home, and it’s your dream home, but there are some cracks or tiny holes in a part of the foundation- it will show up later. No matter how amazing something is, if there is something inside of us that needs nurturing, if we leave it – it will always show itself later on.
Self- sabotage is incredibly common. It’s often misunderstood and many never realise what it is. It takes a tremendous amount of self- reflection to be able to re-piece the past and see self-sabotage as the likely reason.
I have no doubt in you though – to navigate it. And clearly – your heart is full not only of remorse but love for this special woman.
I really hope you reconnect with her. I can, quite literally, feel the regret and longing that you describe.
You’re so right – learning to love yourself and forgive yourself for making mistakes- that’s so important. You need to do that. We all do – and if it were easy, the world would be full of a lot less sadness and anger.
I really admire anyone who can self-reflect…and you truly can.
One day, when the time is right, I hope you reconnect with this woman. You might not feel like the same person since the breakup – but that’s because of self-growth. Being afraid of change and evolving – that’s what we all need to avoid.
Some events change us. Who we are, the way we think, operate, treat others. These can make us feel lonely for a time, but I think this is when we really go up a level or two in integrity and the choices we make.
I’m so sorry for the late reply. I haven’t checked back in ages but here I am. I hope you read this. You made me smile and I love connecting with beautiful souls.
Thank you for your words,
Love, Lorelle x
Thank you for this, Lorelle. It was so scary for me to self-reflect when I finally did, life became so much more peaceful, private, and easy; It became mine.
This article was everything i needed to read today. I feel very related and Lorelle´s perspective is neutral and empathetic with both sides of a break-up. I lost the trust of the only person that ever made me feel moments of real happiness, and Im still struggling with the pain I caused on her and myself driven by fear and ego. I know we both love and miss each other but it can never be the same, every conversation seems to make everything worse. Reconcile within before reconciling with others. Great truth. It’s hard to genuinly change and actions must come before words. THANKS LORELLE!
Hi Pablo,
It’s been awhile since I checked back for reader comments, so I am sorry for the delay. I’m so glad that this post connected to you. Even happier it soothed you in someway. Relationships can be difficult and I’m convinced some only exist so we can grow and become a better person. Sometimes we hurt others and sometimes we get hurt. It’s part of the human experience but I’m certain the ones who grow the most are the ones who choose to see a lesson in it. Who can self- reflect and despite the pain, move forward and not give up. This is also part of developing self-love, integrity and resilience.
I think this sounds like you, Pablo. Thank you for your comment – and I hope you get to read this belated reply.
You’re a good person. I can tell!!
Love, Lorelle x
I absolutely agree and love this, my dear sister. Thank you for shining your light here.
Thank you for the gift that is you. xx
Thank you Natasha for writing this. Its great because it gets you focused on the opportunity to grow rather than the amazing person u lost due to sabotaging behaviours. I met a guy so amazing a few years back. He was very very keen from the start and he’d show affection in the kindest, most understated and genuine way, never false or selfish and never wanting to scare me off. He was a very considerate person. He used to hold my hand sometimes and never made a big deal of it, it was nice, altho I felt nervous as hell too. All the admirable qualities u can imagine, this guy had in spades . Always on time, he alway made an effort to lift the mood and entertain with a story he found funny. He made a big effort to plan cool things for us to do and he was up for anything. His stories were actually hilarious – he had this rare intelligence of being able to read people, mimic people and find humour in the most mundane of interactions . And the ironic thing was he was worried at the start that I might be finding him boring!!! I mean this guy is so far from boring, you would actually pay to spend time in his company. The TRUTH behind my seeming bored was that I was so insecure and down about myself, esp so when I knew I didn’t look my best or wasn’t feeling my best, that that’s all I could focus on any of our dates, so I guess my insecurities got in the way of me enjoying his company from the get-go. I tried to control everything as a way of managing my insecurity but he was such an easy going, contented guy, he didn’t mind that – he was happy with whatever I activities I suggested, and to meet whenever suited me. I rarely slept well so I was always anxious about how I’d “perform” on our dates – how I’d look, how I’d seem. I’d often nip away to the bathroom over dinner, just to get a break from my own pressure, close the bathroom door and my eyes and breathe, or focus on touching up my makeup, relishing the time away. The pressure was immense and it was all coming from within. I used to rush off home in the mornings, after a night out together, afraid of becoming boring or moody or looking tired, and wud feel instant relief once I’d get into my car and close teh door, when the pressure to be upbeat, positive, easy going, nice and kind, fun and to look good, would dissapate. I guess I was very depressed inside and rarely slept (with or without him) so the tiredness was crippling me too. It seemed impossible to get pleasure from anything or enjoy anything. One morning he said that I seemed unhappy, and he sounded so tired and frustrtated and hurt from trying unsuccessfully to make it work I guess. He is incredibly cute, handsome and smart and sociable.. And successful now too since he’s been promoted to manager, which is no surprise, he’s an incredible person . Everyone loves being around him which made him very popular for nights out with his mates and of course, I couldn’t handle that, knowing how attractive he was and feeling so inadequate myself, knowing I didn’t measure up to other girls he might meet, fearing that he might get chatting to them and realise how lame a person I was by comparison..girls who have big families, love their nephews and nieces, play team sports, are warm people and not crippled by fear, have hobbies and passions. I’m all to aware of how I fall short.
I’d get very upset whenever he’d go on nights out and it would often make things sour between us for a, little while afterwards.
I guess u cud say I was “punching” on every level, but I tried to make him feel like the reverse was true for as long as I could. I feared if he knew the truth he would be gone . I never let him see me without makeup and made a big effort to look well every time we’d meet. I didn’t realise that was putting him under pressure (as he later admitted) and eventually we ran into problems in the bedroom because of that pressure. I eventually had a breakdown myself – the pressure, the lack of sleep, the stress of work and disengaging from work because I put all my efforts into try holding on to the most amazing guy I’d ever met. Well it all lead to landing in hospital, mental breakdown. Eventually, he left the relationship, after a year of trying hard with me, and being so lovely to me and trying to have fun and to enjoy times.together. So what I feared most from the start, actually materialised. But what more could I have asked from him.
He has felt it necessary to cut contact since the break up, after my many immature efforts to get him back. So there is no hope of ever restoring the illusion he had of me/our relationship, or the special attention he’d give me.
It’s important to admit I wasn’t happy with him because my insecutires were amplified being with him, when I had so much to lose, and I was crippled by them. So I guess I never got to enjoy the relationship and have since spent a year tormenting myself over the amazing person I lost. So, all in all, 2 difficult years of trying very hard to keep my head above water.
But obvs I have alot of insecurities and self esteem issues to address. Being with him has taught me that no relationship is going to work unless I address those issues , not even if I end up with most beautful person (inside and out) and the envy of all my friends, it will be no good because no good will come of it – I am living proof of that.
So now time to focus on those issues I guess. Thanks for the brilliant article.
Hi Emily!
Thank you for taking the time to comment. This is one of my favorite posts. I’m so glad that you love it as much as I do (Lorelle did a fantastic job on this guest post).
“Being with him has taught me that no relationship is going to work unless I address those issues, not even if I end up with the most beautiful person (inside and out) and the envy of all my friends, it will be no good because no good will come of it – I am living proof of that.” – 100% I learned that too, through a lot of pain and wasted time, but I’m so glad that I did.
And so glad that we found each other! Thank you for being here and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 All my love to you, soul sister. xx
I lost the love of my life 9 years ago. He chose a cheating gold-digger (that was open about being one) over me in the end. She even asked me to help her hook up with a wealthier guy when his business wasn’t making enough money to keep her happy. This was barely a year after marrying him! She treated him like garbage, was sarcastic, cold, insulting, humiliated him in front of everyone, refused to work more than a few weeks after moving in with him, and started spending through his money as soon as she got her claws into his bank account. But apparently that’s what he considered ‘wife’ material!
I still don’t understand what happened. I was the total opposite of her, worked hard, was loving, affectionate, flirty, generous, would have given him the world. I encouraged him with his business and would sit and help him brainstorm. We were both entrepreneurs and very goal-orientated, which he said he loved. Yet he chose the total opposite? Even their choice of pets was mismatched. He hated dogs and wanted a cat, so she bought a german shepherd! This is what he gave me up for?
I cut all contact, walked away, threw myself into dating other people after a few months out. I was optimistic that if one man existed that ticked all the boxes then I could just find another version of him and be happy with them instead. I never did. No one I met or dated since even came close to the connection and compatibility we had. We were like twins. Meeting him felt like I’d been on a very long journey and finally come home. We just understood each other. Yes, there was intense physical attraction too, but it was so much deeper than that on every single level. I never found that kind of love again.
I’m now an old woman looking at a few more decades spent alone. I’ve given up looking for someone now. Most of the things I wanted to do with a husband I’ve had to do alone, or it’s too late (like raising a child). All I have are the memories of the time we got to spend together and dreams of the life we would have had. I honestly believe we would have built an empire. We were catalysts for each other and had so much energy and passion that bounced off the other one, with perfectly mirrored skill sets. Even in the short time we were together we achieved so much. When that ended, life fell apart. My business collapsed as my energy and drive vanished overnight. His took a bit longer to falter, but she took up so much of his energy and time and spent so much of his money that the stress got to him. His best employee walked out and then the economy tanked and they had taken on too much debt to continue. He tried to get around that by splitting half his shares with the gold-digger, but obviously she had been waiting for that the whole time and soon after she decided she wanted a divorce. Although she then decided she still wanted to date him, which he agreed to. I don’t know what happened after that and don’t want to.
I don’t know what lesson the universe was trying to teach us. My cousin likes to joke that maybe our empire would have been too powerful and changed the course of history the wrong way! It’s a hilarious thought, although very unlikely. I feel like my life is pretty much over now. There isn’t anything else left that I want to do. Everywhere I’ve travelled, all the experiences I’ve had, I would imagine he was there with me and wonder what he would say, how he would react. I managed to make money by myself, but it had always been with the goal of making life easier for my future husband and family. I don’t care about ‘stuff’ like mansions and swimming pools. I’m a jeans, boots and farm type of woman. So I have nothing to spend it on other than charity and will probably just leave it to neices and nephews. I’ve updated my will and I’ll probably just travel a bit more for a few years before doing assisted suicide. I know that sounds a bit shocking to most people, but right now I’m just hanging around waiting for death anyway. I’ve managed to distract myself for 9 years, but I don’t want another decade of this.
I know some people say there isn’t just one person out there for us. And I know some people say that everything happens for a reason and we will be with the person if we are meant to be with them. But I don’t believe that any more. I just think life is cruel and I’ll be glad when it’s over.
Ella,
You are not old. 9 years ago – this man lost YOU. But you felt that loss for the two of you.
Sometimes no matter how much we love someone – they are incapable of loving us back. The fact he chose a woman like her over you – that is no reflection on YOU Ella. It does however, speak volumes about him and HIS sense of self-worth.
I’m not making a comment on her. She’s not important here. But you are, Ella. Your life, is so much more than these awful, heavy memories that torment you.
It can be so very difficult – next to impossible – to let go and heal from some life events and sometimes we are scarred and changed for life.
When I read your words, I can see your hopes and dreams crushed over losing this relationship. There is nothing more painful than being betrayed by a loved one who you’d do anything for.
His world crumbled without you. For better or worse – well he got the downhill run with his choice. I sense so much compassion in your words towards him. But you cannot help a man who cannot help himself.
Having suicidal thoughts brings a level of comfort when the pain is so bad we become numb. Meaningless days. Filled with emptiness and hours of loneliness. I have felt that. I’ve asked the questions ‘what’s the point?’ ‘What’s the purpose?’ ‘Why do I get up in the morning?’ ‘Who would even notice I was gone?’ ‘What difference will it make when I’m not here?’.
I’ll share something with you that I’ve never shared before. This is the darkest point of my life. I once took 2 weeks of leave and lay on a sofa wanting to end everything. I could hardly move. I spoke to no one. Those thoughts of ending life gave me a sense of peace and comfort.
I had a plan. It was going to work. I felt so low that I dont think I’ve ever felt as close to a piece of sh*t in my whole life. I felt my existence was nothing. Worthless.
Somewhere, on one of those sad days, I began to think about how much bad treatment I’d tolerated off others. The way I’d just wanted to be loved and to be happy.
I remember thinking about one individual in particular – and I whispered ‘f*** you under my breath, imagining I was saying it to them.
I was drowning in sadness and pain, but those Two words were a life raft. Why? Because it was a spark of anger in the middle of a world of darkness. It was that part of me inside that wanted to be loved. To live and to get what a deserved. It was a fight back. A little slice of me that had seen enough, had enough and wanted so much more than I ever got.
At that point I cried. And cried. Because I didn’t really want to die. I just wanted to end the pain. I was still in a very painful place. But I made a promise to myself. To take it hour by hour until I felt stronger. I still could end it all – but I started to love myself through these horrible days. I slept. A lot. I ate food I’d cooked. Simple goodness. I sat outside in the sunshine and even though my head was swimming in tormented thoughts, I felt a little better. I drank water. I snuggled myself in a blanket and cried. I snuggled in it wracking movies at home that I loved. Familiar things being comfort.
Through all of this, I discovered wanting someone or circumstances to be different – won’t change what is.
I realised my need to be chosen had created a ‘puppy dog’ mentality in me. ‘Pick me!’ ‘Choose me!’
And when they didn’t? The little puppy looked out the window at the world wanting to be part of it but feeling lost and left out.
In that moment I burst out laughing – oh God / how I’d visualised my reality!
I also knew exactly what I needed to do. I needed to choose MYSELF. And to stop wanting to be loved and cared for by someone who couldn’t do it.
Those ‘f you’ words came under my breath again.
And I promised myself that I was going to fill my life with little things that made me happy because I deserved them.
Ella, you are not someone waiting to be chosen either. Choose You. Watch what happens.
Your heart is huge and what I wouldn’t give to be able to hug you right now.
I’ve described my dark space to you because out of everything you wrote – that hit me the hardest.
Not many people will ever go there and talk about suicidal thoughts- but they are real and people make that choice because life feels meaningless.
It’s a numbness and a cry for peace. For a reprieve.
I want you to know that you are not defined by your ex and his choices. There is absolutely someone out there who would love to have you. He’s out there. Things in his life are panning out so ondd we day you will both cross paths. Believe it.
Believe in the goodness that exists Ella, because it truly is out there. You are a part of tgat goodness.
Your ex – his dilemma since you parted – was his to bear. Not yours. But loving someone can be the cord that binds us to them. Please let yourself free.
You want to end tge pain. Hurt. Cruelty of this sad and senseless breakup.
You have a right to want that. So you can thrive again. Let life blossom again. In small ways. Happiness is about the happenings in life. Joy is about the daily things – the Dawn – a sunset. A little giggle. A smile. A falling leaf. A tiny flower.
Because life is quite frankly – unfair. So small joys are beautiful and priceless things.
Unfairness – can break us. It can also ignite in us a little flame that will grow if we let it.
Wanna know how you just did that? You wrote your comment. People you will never know exist – will read it. They will relate. Understand. Cry maybe. Feel love and compassion. But it will unite others – and shed light on others own pain.
You are not alone, Ella. You are loved. Love yourself too.
I have written a few guest posts on Natasha’s site and replied to many readers. I asked her to please email you this reply in case you don’t come back here.
I don’t know where you are, I’m Australian. I suspect I’m half a world away from you but know this: I heard you. I feel your pain and I want to tell you how strong and resilient you are. How there is a place for you in this world where people want to share your space.
Keep the faith. Keep the faith.
But most of all you’re so brave. To talk about feeling so over life that you’ll end it – that’s courageous. You’re the ‘Joan of Arc’ of this blog. Brave. Strong and worthy.
Right now, you want a rest and some peace.
Natasha and I – and everyone else who reads your words is so grateful. You made a difference, beautiful Ella. So much love. I will wait your reply xxx ♥️💫
… I don’t like typos. But I wrote this on my iPhone with one finger and I was teary so sorry for those!
Watched movies
That not tgat
And’ I await your reply’
There were more typos but I think you’ll find them yourself! ♥️
This happens to me all the time too! 🙂
Thank you. Just, thank you, my dear sister and guardian angel. We all love and appreciate you so much. This, like you, is a masterpiece.
I am going to rework this comment into my next blog post. Love you. xx
💋💋💋
Thank you Natasha x love you back x
Dear Lorelei,
I feel like I lost the love of my life…He was everything I wanted and needed in a man.He brought me close to his family and showed me love like I had never experienced before…I loved him so much so I cut off everyone I was talking to because of how loving and sweet he was to me.I was already imagining a future with him because he kept talking about the future and how we were going to spend the rest of our lives together….It was a bit rushed but I fell deeply in love…I was starting to think about my masters which would require me to leave the country so I brought it up to him…On bringing that up,I believe I was a bit argumentative and in the process he got tired of the constant arguments….After that period, we kept having arguments and finally when he had had enough.He broke things off with me….I was devastated and shocked because I felt I had found the one…He claimed that his heart wasn’t in the relationship anymore…I accepted it with grace and left then he sent me a long text telling me how much he loves and cares for me but he can’t be with one person because he is polyamorous…I couldn’t deal sharing someone I loved so much with other people so eventually I gave him space but I did something I seriously regret..I noticed that he was flirting with girls on social media so I ended up posting myself going out with other guys to get a reaction from him but this actually made things worse eventually…….What hurts me the most is the fact that he believes I never loved him and moved on very quickly but I am still very much in love with him. I’ve tried making new connections to no avail..My heart still aches for him even though he has let me know that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore
A wise and compassionate article which avoids the usual platitudes; thank you. I’m a middle-aged man – and it would have been useful if a time-travelling version of this article had been stapled to my forehead when I was 18! I lost the love of my life through adolescent self-sabotage at a point when I did not have the insight or perspective to realise what the h**l I was doing. I am at least going to ensure that my kids are aware of the lessons in this article; thanks again!
Hi Sean!
I’m so happy that this post served you and that you love it as much as I do. Thank you for taking the time to share; thank you for being you, and thank you for being a part of this community.
All my love to you and your kids. xo
My girlfriend of seven years broke up with me in the first week of July. I know, and I let her know, that I have internal problems, but with her, I felt confident about putting down my walls and loving again. For the most part of our relationship, we were great although there were times my internal problems got the best of me and led to quarrels, but she was very kind to be patient with me. When covid hit, however, we were forced to stay apart for 1 year during lockdown. I felt her emotionally disconnecting from me. I got insecure and needy in my attempt to close the distance between us. However, my efforts aggravated our situation as she felt smothered by it. She asked for a cooloff but all I thought at that time was how to make her feel more my presence. In the end, what she really wanted was for me to live a life that is not centered on her, to make friends and be in a healthy place, emotionally. I love her so much. She said she’s tired and got nothing left to give. I feel so hopeless thinking that she’ll forever think that I cannot change. But I can and I’m attending therapy to understand myself better. I just wish we get another chance. Everyday, I feel worse.
Thank you for this article, it brought me to tears. I am in a break in my relationship because I was self sabotaging and it was not good. I kno I have hurt him and that makes me feel so bad. I am looking for a therapist now as I had a suicide attempt about a month ago. I feel so hopeless sometimes. It just feels like there is too much to try to fix. I have abandonment issues from childhood that are deep rooted into me as not feeling enough. So I think I don’t feel worthy, and also have this thought that nothing lasts forever so it hard sometimes to see a future with someone. I do at times but also feel like something will happen. I was engaged with someone I dated for 6.5 years and broke it off in the beginning of 2020. I don’t feel I ever really dealt with that lose, even though I am the one that left it is still a lose. I hope therapy will help me unravel these feelings and help me move forward, I really hope but I just feel so alone and frustrated.
You are not alone, Emily. I am so glad that you are seeking the immediate help of a qualified, mental health professional. I have been in your shoes and have felt what you are feeling. Please do not give up on yourself. Please read the comments under each post and know that you have an entire tribe here who loves, supports, believes in, and understands you. Please seek immediate help and support from a professional. You are needed in this world and I promise, the day will come when you give all of this pain a purpose. All my love to you, soul sister. xox
I really wasn’t expecting an article to be so insightful (a lot I’ve read don’t seem to help), but this one did a little bit. Recently I’ve been in a break up with a girl who was emotionally available and loving and caring, understanding about my numerous faults and persistent in trying to help, even after I lied about drugs, a porn addiction, and other things where telling the truth really wouldn’t have even done that much harm. She worked through that and I recently lied to her again about going back to a previous nicotine addiction for a bit and it was the lying that was too much for her and she left, and she’s questioning whether I ever even loved her at all. I feel like I had this identity of myself as a new person who wouldn’t lie to her like that again and I was holding this identity in my hands and now it’s trickled through the cracks of my fingers and I don’t even know who I am now. I was so concerned with showing her one facet of me that could be perfect that in trying to pretend to be a perfect man I became a dishonest one and ended up hurting her again and it really feels like there’s not ever going to be anyone else, like she was the only one (lol I’m young still so if that’s a bit naïve then attributes it to hormones or whatever lol). Sometimes it feels so utterly hopeless knowing I had all these gifts and I threw them away for cheap thrills like drugs and lust and then lied about it, and I have this internal conflict where I wish it was all gone all these thoughts and addictions, where I wish I had my innocence back and it feels unattainable. I don’t love myself, I haven’t loved myself for a really long time and this article hit square in the center of my chest. Sometimes I just breakdown and cry “how could I how could I” but then I went and did it again. Anyways, thank you for the insight, it gave s little glimmer of hope, which I rarely seem to get nowadays.
Hello Anonymous…
Thank you for your articulate comment. I’m really glad you found this because despite what you say about not loving yourself, you’re loveable.
I hear the struggle in your words, and mostly I feel the battle has been with yourself – and maybe for too long. But you are over half way there. How do I know this?
Because you can articulate everything that went wrong. You can see the timeline of events and pinpoint where it began to crumble.
If you could not see those things – or self- evaluate – then the wheel would keep spinning. Instead, it has stopped.
Whenever we can look within and see ourselves – truly SEE … it’s a powerful space to be in. It is where change begins as whenever we face our demons – they become smaller.
I love your words about how you tried so hard to be an honest man for your ex. You loved her enough to want to please her and change.
Let’s go back a bit. Let’s turn this around. What about you imagine giving YOURSELF that same kind of love and openness. If you can do that, your life will move in the direction you want.
Also, you are not a dishonest person. Your words here show someone who feels alone, and you’re trying hard to break free of old patterns. I can tell you, these words of yours are honest and full of pain, but I can feel the tiny spark in you that is tired – but looking for an answer. You’re honest – because you can own all of it! Lies are just designed to hide pain from others.
It’s the not loving yourself part that is crushing you. And drugs, porn… all of that is just part of trying to find pleasure in a world of pain. Trying to block out and numb parts of you that hurt too much.
When I read comments like yours, I always wish I could talk with you in person, because despite feeling it – – you’re not alone.
There is nothing wrong with making mistakes in life. It’s what you learn from.
There is a beautiful wedding haka performed sometimes by Maori people. I spent a large part of my childhood growing up in Aotearoa (New Zealand) and it’s words are beautiful.
‘What is right is right.
What is the problem you are carrying? How long have you been carrying it for?
Have you got that? So let’s carry on..
So son, although it may be difficult for you,
And son, although it seems unyielding,
No matter how long you reflect on it,
The answer to the problem –
Is here inside you….
Indeed…
Truly ancient words. But you know, you have already tapped into that. You mentioned you are young – that’s the perfect time to grow and learn.
I try not to ever give advice, Instead encourage and support – and the words you wrote show intelligence and self-awareness. You are not lost. You are just at a turning point and ready to take a new path.
How to love yourself – first start by thinking of the things that make you happy. And do those things.
Find and be with – people who love you.
Think of your best qualities as a person – use those to allow yourself to shine.
Be very kind to yourself .. get good sleep. Eat well. Best natural way to feel good? Exercise!!
Make time for yourself. To be at peace with yourself – sober. That’s how you’ll connect to who you are.
When your demons come to visit in your mind – invite them in. Don’t push them away. Things lose their power when you recognise them for what they are.
Often because they are full of fear and negative emotions such as secrecy and feeling unworthy.
Don’t judge yourself. Just work on not repeating patterns that don’t work for you. Be kind to yourself.
You’re worthy. You’re smart.
. As for your ex. I’d just show her the words you wrote here. They are honest and full of remorse and love.
But no one can love you til you love yourself.
So work on that. I have no idea who you are – but your words here are full of strength. And some of the toughest and hardest times in life – and the times when we grow the most. Learn the most.
In that haka I mentioned ( called Tika Tonu) .. there’s a line
‘Be true to yourself my son!’
That starts with accepting and loving yourself. And you have so much to offer. No one could write what you wrote – if they were not an intelligent, self- aware and articulate person.
That’s you!! And you got this…
Sending a hug to you… remember – the answer is inside you xxx
I want to turn this into a blog post. From the bottom of OUR hearts, Lorelle, THANK YOU.
What a gift you have and how lucky are we to be in your light. I love you and value you so much. xx
Xx 😘
You are welcome my love x
♥️♾🙏🏼🙏🏼
Thank you for this. I’ve cried every single day this past year after the breakup with my love. I see so much of myself and of her in this. I have been married twice, and divorced, and certainly had painful breakups in the past. But she was something else altogether, and I blew it, so so badly. The self-sabotage hits it right on the head, I was more insecure in this relationship than anything before. I am very confident in general, but found myself second-guessing everything and feeling like I was unworthy of her. Anyhow, this article has been so helpful, thank you again.
Hi Shane!
I wish that I had the time to write everything that’s in my heart. There is nothing I could write back to you that would even come close to expressing my gratitude. THANK YOU for having the courage and taking the time to share. By doing so, you are helping countless others (who are too shy to comment or can’t find the words) feel less alone in their pain, situation, circumstances, and emotions. I am so glad that this post served you.
You are not alone. Thank you for being you and for being a part of this tribe.
Thank you for this.
♥️ Thank you for your connection and support, Alejandro.
Honestly one of the best written articles i’ve ever read. This helped me open my eyes so much. I’m going through the worst breakup ever and just feel so hopeless and keep self destructing and making things worse. After reading this article it helped me realize I need to step back and just let my ex have space. I keep love bombarding her and she’s getting really overwhelmed. I just don’t want her to forget about me or replace me but I know i have no control over how she feels or what she does. I just need to continue to work on myself and become a better person and hopefully she’ll see that and come back. It’s just so hard not communicating with her because when I lost her I also lost my bestfriend who I would tell everything too.
I’m so happy that the post helped and allowed you to see what you need to do right now. You got this and you’re not alone. Thank you for taking the time to share and thank you for being a part of this tribe ♥️
Wow, can I just say – you hit the nail on the head with this one! Every. Single. Word. Exactly what I needed to read! Thank you so much!
Forgot to add – I’m the proverbial ‘one’ in terms of your article 😉
So happy that this post helped! Thanks for being a part of this tribe, Rav 🙂
I lost the love of my life a little over ten years ago. We dated for almost five years. She is the best friend I have ever had. We just have a genuine crazy connection and chemistry. We talked about getting married, having kids and house and just growing old together. While our relationship had its ups and downs like everyone does, it was amazing for a few years. We ended up going to the same college, spent so much time together, that I think we both lost our identities and independence. Then I am not sure what happened but I lost my self esteem. I had an overwhelming urge that I was not good enough for her. Soon enough she is going to figure that out too, I thought. I sabotaged our relationship. I would pick fights about nothing, to seek reassurance that she did love me and wasn’t going to leave. But it was never enough, I would just continue doing stupid shit. It was always in my head and I just was awful to her. In some messed up way, I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt I guess, but all I did was hurt the girl I loved more than anything and hurt myself so much in the process. The more I was awful, the more I felt I didn’t deserve her, the more I would push her away. She held on for way longer that she should have, she tried to help me. She tried to keep the relationship together. It didn’t matter, because I couldn’t help myself. I felt I was underserving of being happy, underserving of her love, because I didn’t love myself anymore. When she finally broke up with me. It was the hardest thing I have endured. It still hurts to this day, because I have always known she is the one. But I screwed it up, because of things in my own head. I think that will always hurt the most, we didn’t drift apart or want different things. My insecurities, my doubts, my lack of self esteem ruined things with the most important person to me. We did not talk or see each other for years after our breakup. I actually reached out about five years ago. We talked for a few months, we were living in separate states. We agreed to go a on date when I was back in town. Going somewhere we always talked about going while we dated but never did. It was wonderful. It was not awkward between us at all. It was really nice to catch up and enjoy each others company again. To make her smile and laugh again, it was the greatest feeling. A high no one could buy. She forgave me, told me it was not all my fault. Which felt like such a relief even though we both knew it was basically all on me. It was so nice to hear her say that. It was a relief because I carry so much shame, guilt and regret from how I treated her. We did not hang out again, she was very busy with work and finishing her masters degree. I tried to make plans but she just couldn’t commit to hanging out. She never said no outright, I think she was nervous about getting involved with me again. I can’t blame her if that was the case. I eventually told her, that I wanted her in my life, I was not asking her to date or marry me, nothing like that. I just wanted her to carve out time a couple times a month to spend time together and see what happens. But it just didn’t work. She said she was just too busy and didn’t want to commit to anything, because she was overwhelmed with work and school. I stopped trying to hang out with her, not because I gave up or didn’t want to try anymore. I felt that I needed to let her live her life. I didn’t want to hold her back. I wanted so badly to be together, but I wanted more for her to be happy. It was crushing though, I felt like that was my chance to get her back and it was not working. But I never gave up hope, I never stopped believing that she is the one. That one day, our paths will meet again and we will end up together. Accomplish all those goals we set for our future together. I have had only one serious relationship in the 10 years we have been broken up. I fell in love, but I was at her sister’s wedding and I ended daydreaming about me being up there and instead of my girlfriend at the time walking down the aisle towards me. It was my ex, the love of my life, because truthfully I have never wanted to be with anyone else but her. I ended things in that relationship shortly after. I didn’t tell that was the reason but I felt it was unfair and just wrong to be with someone, even though I loved her, when I still wanted to spend my life with my ex. About seven weeks ago, I found out she (the love of my life) just had a baby, with a boyfriend and they have a house together. It was truly bittersweet, on one hand, I am so happy for her and her family. On the other hand, it is soul crushing in ways I could not possibly fathom. I feel like someone is living my dream and my life with her. It is utterly devastating. All I am trying to do keep my head up and just trying to be a better person than I was yesterday. My hope with sharing is maybe others can learn from my mistakes. Don’t take people you love and who are important to you for granted. If you are hurting don’t lash out, sabotage, tell them that you are feeling insecure or that you don’t feel worthy of their love. It has been an awful painful lesson for myself. I hope that someday I get to show her how much I have grown and changed and that I get my dream of her in my life again.
Tommy,
I am in tears. What a beautiful, incredible person you are. I have done this too, exactly what you did. Like you, all I can do is learn from my mistakes and just try to be a better person every day.
From the very bottom of my heart, thank you *so much* for the gift that is YOU.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story (and helping countless others in the process).
Thank you for shining your light here so that those in a darkness you know all too well can feel less alone.